Posted on 08/21/2009 4:57:28 PM PDT by johncocktoasten
George and Porgy Schatzenberger of Greenbow, IL are just like your average ordinary American couple. George was laid off from a auto part manufacturer about 7 years ago, and Porgy is a stay at home mom, caring for the couples two hamsters and a pet tropical fish. They enjoy their simple life. Thanks to increased funding for EBT, they are able to have twice weekly steak and lobster cookouts. Just recently, they were able to purchase a new car using the “Cash for Clunkers” program.
George and Porgy might outwardly appear to be sedentary people. After all, George is carrying close to 300 pounds on his 5’9” frame, and Porgy needs the use of a Medicaid funded scooter to get around the house and grocery store. But mention the topic of Health Care, and they bounce up like spry chickens. The Schatzenberger’s had been without Health Insurance after George’s layoff. Although George was union, and was eligible to continue his coverage, over the years he had developed a gambling habit. When it came time to choose between his thrice weekly poker trips to the nearby Hollywood Casino, and paying the large COBRA premium, George decided he would take his chances at the tables. Everything rolled along smoothly for about a year, until disaster struck. George began feeling some intense chest pains one day, and after a collapse and subsequent ambulance ride, was found to have 90% blockage in 3 arteries leading to the heart. The next day, George had a triple bypass surgery and began the recovery process. George has since stayed on his pharmaceutical company provided medication, and his cholesterol seems to be under control.
The triple bypass surgery and subsequent hospital stay cost nearly $45,000. Without insurance and a steady income, the Schatzenberger’s decided to file bankruptcy six months later. “We didn’t have no money, but I got my surgery, and my heart is better now. I sure am thankful for those doctors. I just wish I was rich so I could pay ‘em,” George related. The Schatzenberger’s and their pets were able to remain in their home after the Chapter 13 Bankruptcy. George has filed for disability, citing his weight and gambling addiction as preventing him from being able to work. Schatzenberger is hopeful that, “the TV attorney can pull thru and get me some money.” Income in this household is sorely needed. The house has a dank and musty smell, and personal hygiene appears to be a big issue for the couple. Which leads to their biggest health care concern, aid for people who need periodic post-evacuative cleaning.
Porgy explains that she hasn’t been able to wipe after a bowel movement in years. George is in a similar situation due to his weight. A lack of post-evacuative cleaning can lead to infection, and worse a death like smell. Recent polling indicates that the Schatzenberger’s aren’t alone. According to the research firm FOS/TERDS polling, 65% of self described “liberals” and “moderates” have a problem with appropriate post-evacuative cleaning. The issue even affects some Republicans, especially in the Beltway intelligencia. The Schatzenberger’s are huge supporters of President Obama, and his health care proposal. I asked them how they felt about the “death panels” charge that has so wrangled the plan. Porgy response was striking. She said, “Look, we are all gonna die. But what people like us need, is someone who can come and wipe our asses for free. I can’t live like this anymore. No one will help us, we called Medicaid, we called the public health department, and no one will help.”
Unaware of this provision of the current HR 3200, I contacted the White House Office Rationing Economic Stipends (the office setup to handle health care payments), and was able to speak with an administrator who confirmed that the new ObamaCare plan will, in fact, cover post evacuative cleaning. The administrator, who declined to be named, mentioned that they have already had over a million people sign up for the government post evacuative cleaning plan called, Winning In Post Evacuative Sanitation. I asked the administration how many workers they had for the WIPES program. He mentioned that they had just recently signed a contract with community organizer, ACORN to administer the program. “The ACORN/WIPES partnership should be a huge boost to the health and hygiene of Americans. There is a huge backlog and right now, those on this list can count on getting one visit from ACORN/WIPES every six weeks or so.”
Back in Illinois, the Schatzenberger’s continue to care for the hamsters and the fish. George doesn’t get to play as much poker as he used to as money is tight. When I called them back to let them know about the six weeks wait, Porgy said, “Hell, we’ve been waiting for 7 years for someone to come wipe our ass for us, what can six more weeks hurt. These people hung up on Death Panels need to get over themselves. Our home has smelled like Death for 7 years, and that’s no way to live.”
Nothing anyone can think of for fiction is any more surreal than the present reality.
Wouldn't be surprised if they actually gave this name to a dept. Totally appropriate.
Just be careful with this stuff. You've heard that life imitates art? With libs, life overtops satire.
Did you get the acronym for “White House Office Rationing Economic Stipends”, WHORES?
What do you think?
Funny, I’m at 360 lbs and don’t have that problem. Why is it that obesity is pretty much the only thing one is allowed to scorn and poke fun at in our PC society? Think about this: People addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling or what have you can go “cold turkey” without long-term ill effects. What happens when a food addict quits eating for more than a month?
That was fun to read. Thanks for posting.
The humor isn’t in the condition of the person. The humor is in their reaction to their situation. God Bless you and if you are happy with yourself great, if you want to lose weight I wish you good luck in that effort, God knows I could stand to lose some.
I am poking fun at the dependence mentality.
My question is, who’s going to wipe the WIPES?
Contractors from ACORN, as part of the ACORN/WIPES partnershit.
The WIPES field workers will provide the patients with copies of the US Constitution for the procedure.
“The WIPES field workers will provide the patients with copies of the US Constitution for the procedure.”
Actually, due to a Committee Reviewing All Paper Procurement Standards (CRAPPS) ruling, ACORN will be using the modified mortgage documents issued to “low income borrowers” for the procedures.
Fat people, conservatives, and anyone living in flyover country are all fair game for ridicule in the "mainstream" sanctioned culture.
Heh.
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