Posted on 06/23/2009 4:52:16 PM PDT by Bokababe
Reunions of adopted children and their birth parents are usually heartwarming moments in which tears flow and broken bonds are made whole in mere seconds.
At least that's how it usually plays out on "Oprah."
But that wasn't the case last Dec. 13, when an Atlantic City woman came face to face with the daughter she placed for adoption 30 years ago after being raped.
This short reunion on the woman's doorstep left her feeling "violated, in shock, and short of breath," according to a lawsuit filed Thursday in U.S. District Court, in Camden, and she believes that a division of New Jersey's Department of Children and Families helped set up the traumatic event.
(Excerpt) Read more at philly.com ...
The lady should have made her feelings known when she got the letter of inquiry from DYFS. Funny how a million dollars will make the pain go away.
These are terribly sensitive areas to deal with. Someone I know was contacted by her adopted-out son who was also conceived during a brutal rape. The reunion has been wonderful, the families all around have welcomed each other with open arms.
It’s too bad for this woman because she probably would benefit and heal from an ugly past if she would allow this blessing into her life.
She has no right to know. What happened here was very, very cruel.
If I were the mother I'd give some thought to publically saying "I wish I'd aborted her".
Well, it is a simple form that asks if you wish to be contacted or revel non-identifying information, IE medical, etc.
Yes or no.
I can understand the woman’s pain but the child is innocent and has a right to know.
You seem to think that a child (who might possibly be of a different culture and therefore was placed in foster care with persons of a different culture) is going to be the fantasy loving daughter and they will all just get along. Get real. Life is hard. This has to be one of the hardest things imaginable. Would you want to look at the face of the person who raped you on the face of a person who is needy and angry and rejected and aggressive and demanding? I wouldn't. And often, the marital partner and marital children would be profoundly shaken by this; is she to turn their feelings aside in favor of a child she did not kill, but chose not to attempt to mother because she knew she wouldn't be able to give it enough love?
The fact is, none of us are innocent. This is a fallen world, and there are a multitude of sins in it. Your fantasies are as unrealistic as those of the unwanted daughter imagining an idyllic reunion.
So you’re saying the default answer should be YES?
Probably not.
Now that last line is truly disturbing.
Take that back your whole post is disturbing.
The child has no right to know.
Wow
I knew a young man who was adopted and from the age of 18 he was obsessed with finding his parents. I think his adoptive parents were a little hurt. Before he was 30 he was diagnosed with cancer, it was fast and it didn’t respond to treatment, he was nearly on his death bed and he still wanted to meet his parents. His adoptive father went to the governor and pretty much begged and pleaded for a favor and they found his mother who lived just 50 miles away.
He got to meet her on Mother’s Day, he had the Dr. take him off of all pain medications and they were able to spend a few hours together. He died a few weeks later, but his adoptive parents were able to give him his fondest wish before he died.
They weren’t able to find his father and the Dr. thought there was a good chance that he had died of the same cancer but who knows.
OTOH, this young man was able to find his adoptive sister’s parents who were actually married, she wasn’t all that thrilled and neither were they, they now have a cordial but distant relationship.
A letter sent to your house from the state is alot different from a spam e-mail. In the article the woman says that she assumed that would be the end of it, she didn’t say she didn’t want to be contacted.
Have you ever been adopted? Have you hated certain days in school because of certain projects where you have to talk about family characteristics? Have you ever wondered whether or not you have elevated risk factors for certain diseases? Have you ever dealt with all the identity issues that most teenagers have, and then have the adoption issue to complicate it? Have you ever felt totally out of place, like you don’t belong in your own family? Have you ever felt like you are a wanderer in this world? I am adopted and I have felt all that and more than I can explain to someone who has not experienced it.
And not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I have been raped. Any other personal questions?
Two of my grandparents and one of my parents were orphaned. They did not know their parents or their medical history because times were different; they put their energy into going forward and loving and protecting the children they had. I never heard complaining about their losses. They were mature, responsible adults, and had not drunk the liberal/entitlement kool-aid.
There are drugs for that.
This woman should have had therapy to deal with this and stop rejecting the daughter.
My aren't we the busybody.
Social workers should help them both come to an understanding and parting.
The social workers should have the living crap kicked out of them.
So much for privacy and freedom. Give them state sponsored therapy. Why are you on this site?
I do not doubt her anguish and my heart goes out to her. But she should have answered the letter.
My heart also goes out to the child who she gave up for adoption. It must be devastating to be turned away after such a search.
The mother needs to understand that her biological child is doing what she needs to do to make peace with who she as just as the mother did what she had to do to put the rape behind her.
The lessons learned from this
1. The reaction rarely measures up to the fantasy
2. Take the time to say 'no' if that is what your wishes are.
Most of the kids who are not the class King and Queen go through turmoil as part of growing up. It is a time for questioning identity and solidifying who you are and what values you affirm for your life going forward. Many, many people feel they don't fit it in school, regardless of their parentage. Others feel they don't fit in emotionally with their parents or siblings. Others come from homes in which divorce or several sets of step-relatives are involved.
Life is hard. That does not give social workers the right to set aside the law and divulge the birth mother's information. If the legislatures want to change all that, they need to grandfather provisions for the women who lived in a different time under different circumstances. Thirty years ago, women did not divulge that they were raped. They did not glory in blabbing all their business as people do today in the Too Much Information society. In fact, many philosophers such as Benjamin Franklin expressly warned not to let people know too much about you, lest they destroy you carelessly.
What I learned over time in life is that we all have obstacles to overcome, and that life isn't fair and can't be made fair. Whatever you experienced, know that others also have felt estranged; a large part of it is attributable to normal processes of adolescence, not to having been adopted.
And yes, I often wonder about diseases, because many occur with no family history. There really is no guarantee about health. Since so many of my great-grandparents and half my grandparents were dead before I was born, and since people didn't talk about things as they do now, I really have no idea. One grandparent died at 56; his children died at 72, 81, 80 and 99. What if they had lived in fear?
Why? You didn't seem disturbed when people cruelly attacked the rape victim AGAIN after all these years. In fact, you joined in.
in fact in my extended family adoptions has opened loads of behavioral questions
yes before the hawks swoop in for the kill I know there are exceptions
i know a freeper who told me that good orphanages were far better than foster homes but orphanages now are un pc
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