Posted on 12/23/2008 12:09:15 AM PST by goldstategop
Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Lets deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding.
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.
Sex isn’t just her decision or choice. It should be a decision made by the couple, it IS a decision made by the couple during the marriage vows, imo.
Sometimes, just sex, without anything else is fine. I don’t get what the big issue is.
Sometimes, I want to make love/have sex, with nothing other than just wanting it. Something, anything, about my husband will turn me on. He could be watching a game or show or eating dinner.
Or all the kids are out of the house at the same time, uncommon, and we both look at each other and race to the bedroom. We could be in the middle of doing something mundane and last kid leaves the house and we realize, we’re alone. YAY.
A sense of humor is the most wonderful of attributes, imo. It’s good to have fun, laugh. One of the things that I found so attractive in my husband when I first met him, other than him being hot and super smart, was his sense of humor. He made me laugh. And I could tease him and he’d laugh. 19 married years later, and a few dating, we still laugh most of the time.
I’m not so sure about that. I can be ready at the “drop of the hat” and all it takes is the look in his eyes. Just about everything else can wait for a half hour.
LOL!
Having sex/making love/insert other terms here, isn’t on my “to do” list because it doesn’t NEED to be on a list. My list is a list of chores, errands, etc. Things I have to do whether I want to or not. Spending intimate time, sharing love with my husband isn’t a chore or an errand. The “list” is toast when it comes to that...
I know no matter how busy my husband is, he’s always ready, and will drop it all to have some alone time. As would I.
Darn! I wish I'd thought of that.
Another time, when we were thinking about getting married, he used to whisper, "I love you" and I felt insecure. I told him, "If you loved me, you'd shout it out!" So he did. "LISTEN AMERICA! I LOVE JUDITH ANNE!" he yelled in a restaurant parking lot after dinner one evening....
He was a real keeper.
We had a lot of laughs, and a lot of love. 36 years, and boy, do I miss him...
I can understand that. My husband and I were married 37 years this month. He gives me a whole lot to laugh about/at. I've told him, many times, G-d made man, then he made woman to laugh at him.
I think that's great! Did you, by chance, have older sisters? My brother was the youngest of five, and the only boy. When his wife, who didn't work, was pregnant, he would come home after working ten hours and cook because the smell of cooking food made my sister in-law sick. Until she started working she had no idea how special she had been treated. One day she and I were talking about how my brother could do, would do and did do anything and everything around the house. I told her the credit belong to my older sister and me. We made sure, as I did with my daughter, that he would never take the work of others for granted, or treat their spouse/children as a servants, the way his father had treated our mother and us. I also wanted to make sure that my daughter would never have to stay with a man because she could not support herself.
Yes, I can imagine how that would suck the mood right out. I always wanted to stay home with my daughter, I think it's best for the children, but had to go to work when she was under six months old.
My husband couldn't understand that, after working ten hours, cooking dinner, looking after our daughters needs and preparing for the next day, I was done. There was no more. Elvis had left the building. After about thirty years of him telling me how inadequate I was at "taking care of us" I let him have it. I pointed out to him that his only job was to financially support his family and I had to help him do that. He had never been help around the house, not even with yard work. I told him if the house wasn't clean enough for him, clean it. It was the last time he every said anything about the house being dirty or not getting sex any time he wanted. Years later, I pointed out to him how willing he was to live in a dirty house when he had to clean it. He, by the way, has only worked one day a week over the last five and a half years.
Nice one. I would’ve responded earlier but I forgot...(heh)...
Twenty dollars! I guess if his wife were a crack whore, twenty would cover it. Strange how sex is so important to men until they have to pay for it.
A question I've asked men over 30+ years is, "If you were a woman what lifestyle do you see for yourself?" I've never had any of them say they'd be married to good man. They've all said they'd have anything they wanted because they would not give "it" away. They've told me that woman just don't understand how much men NEED sex. The reason so many men think woman are only after their money, is because that is how they'd be, were they female.
Yes marriages settle in and some partners become more roommates than lovers. Nevertheless it is important to maintain that sexual connection.
All that said, men need to realize that women are wired differently. Listening to our "drivel", worries and concerns only bring you closer to the ultimate goal. Do not compete with your mate. Do not make disparaging remarks.
Last but not least, for women who have gone through menopause and have seem to have lost desire. Go get hormone therapy. Get a shot of testostarone and you will soon realize why your husband is so ready to go.
an “apostle” (small a) is someone who delivers news. It is similar to “epistle” which means “letter”.
Merry Christmas.
Very perceptive analysis here. Women have to wise up. But due to divorce lawyers and a stacked legal system they cannot be forced to wise up.
Though the very bad recession may start killing divorce as a viable alternative to listening to her husband. Not that males are geniuses but we do have our own biology which is denigrated by the mass media and popular culture
I'm ready to remarry. I don't expect a perfect man, and I am not a perfect woman. I'd just like someone who has a sense of humor, is intelligent, who likes to be pampered a bit, and who is in decent shape physically, emotionally,spiritually, mentally, and financially, as am I.
See - you and your husband understand the level of intimacy, communication and mutual cooperation a successful marriage demands.
"Good sex requires a good marriage and a good marriage requires good sex".
Obviously waiting for the first 3 prime motivations to occur.....
Here's a case study.
.... still.
Merry Christmas.
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