Posted on 09/24/2008 11:17:22 AM PDT by sickoflibs
TO: All McDonald’s Team Members
FROM: Management
RE: New Federal Guidelines in wake of the federal rescue
Dear Team:
As most of you are aware, the past few days have been challenging for all members of the McDonald’s USA and McDonald’s Worldwide Team.
McDonald’s, as you know, maintained a complex and highly-leveraged commodity futures operation, and recent events in the financial markets have made our risk-management strategies impossible
All along, as we faced a softening demand for our products and in the wake of our increased exposure to losses in the commodity derivatives market of beef futures, hog swaps, egg instruments, bun swaptions, potato debt flotations, and partially-hydrogenated vegetable oil puts, it was our intention to reach some productive and effective understanding with our creditors and our business partners. Unfortunately, due to market conditions, that was not to be.
Effective close of business today, the McDonald’s Corporation is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Federal Department of Agriculture. They wisely — and quickly — stepped in to provide management with a credit facility, in exchange for ownership of the company. If you’ve seen the recent news about what the Treasury Department has done for AIG, the troubled insurance giant, you’ll understand what happened here. It’s basically the same, but with fries.
Many of our newest Team members on the griddle station, or at the Fry-O-Lator, have come to us from senior positions in the old-line Wall Street firm of Lehman Brothers, which recently experienced its own financial crisis. For those of our employees who are confused about the turbulence in the financial markets, we suggest you reach out to these new Team members for a full explanation. During your break.
Until our new management team at the Department of Agriculture forms a plan for the eventual sale and disposal of the company and its assets, it will be business as usual.
That said, we are now a department within the federal government, and we will have to adjust our business practices to reflect that:
The target service time, from the customer’s order at the counter to the delivery of his or her meal, with change. The old target of 120 seconds will be replaced by a new, federal target of three hours.
Ketchup will no longer be available.
Our new hours: 10AM to 3:15PM.
In light of federal diversity programs, all images of the “Hamburglar” will be destroyed. New character images will be delivered to franchisees as soon as possible.
The paper hats will be replaced immediately with OSHA-regulated helmets.
All members of the McDonald’s Team are now members of SEIU, the Service Employees International Union, and as such are no longer required to work while standing or looking directly at the customer. Obviously, this is going to take some getting used to for Team Members used to the “old” way of doing business. Large chairs will be delivered to each location for use behind the counter. Employees will be taught to mumble darkly, and to sigh in an irritated fashion.
The Drive-Thru facility will remain operative in every location for the convenience of the customer, and orders will continue to be taken via the intercom. But in keeping with federal guidelines dictating “convenience,” both the payment window and the pickup window will be permanently shut.
If you have any questions about the above changes, please refer to the leaflet: “So, You’re A Federal Employee! Here’s What You Don’t Have to Do!” which is being distributed by the new managers from the Department of Agriculture.
All of us here in management know this is a trying time for Team Members, and we sincerely apologize for the situation we all find ourselves in — although, frankly, we’ve got it a lot better than our friends at WalMart, who just last week were bought by the Department of Commerce, and who now have to undergo a painful and complicated conversion to the work rules of the Association of Federal, State, County, and Municipal Employees Union (AFSCME).
McDonald’s is a proud American firm. Indeed, for many, we represent America at her finest and most delicious. We are grateful to our partners in the Department of Agriculture for recognizing that McDonald’s, truly, is too big to fail.
We’re all excited about the new, Federally Owned McDonald’s!
McDonald’s Executive Team
(until close of business tonight)
After the Socialists in both party’s takeover the mortgage industry, car loans, Investment banks they will focus on the reason they don’t want to drill for oil.
So they can Nationalize the US oil industry and then allow drilling so they can use the profits to give fat deals to all of their cronies.
Who is John Galt?
No Bailout!
There may be blood on Wall Street, but now is NOT the time to panic.
There is NO guarantee that the ‘bailout’ package will solve anything. It may in fact just delay the inevitable or make it worse!
If you did not see this coming, you weren’t paying attention.
Excellent find and fun read. I especially liked the part where in their cushy chairs, mumbling, they will be wearing helmets instead of the paper caps.
If you are a socialist, just think how perfect the situation is right now. Taking over the financial instutions with all these strings attatched would make you drool!
No Bailout!
There shouldn’t be a “bailout” of specific firms. It would only encourage more risky behavior and divert more business effort toward lobbying.
Insolvent firms and individuals should go through existing bankruptcy procedures.
Bank depositors should be protected up to the amounts specified by the FDIC.
The Federal Reserve should provide credit to the banking system, as needed, by buying government securities.
And Bush our head Socialist is drooling all over the place.
Who knew that Big Mac was a gay trucker?
Cancelling the bailout will cause pain, but we need to look at history: all of our economic downturns have been brief and we have always recovered and become stronger and richer. The one exception, of course, is the Great Depression. After the stock market crash of 1929, Hoover and then FDR engaged in massive government intervention. As a result, the Great Depression lasted more than a decade. There's a lesson here.
Take the pain now -- if we actually have a bailout, things will be tremendously awful and some guy like me will look back at 2008 and say:
"If Conservative principles had been followed three years ago, we would not have a mess of this magnitude."
LOL!
(Anyone familiar with the L.A. City Council will get this joke. (With bullhorn and guns aimed) “Sir, put down the fries and STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE!!!)
Socialist unite, oh sorry they did in both party’s.
BAILOUT, why I don’t want congress working together to solve our problems.
That’s what happens when the voters are made up of ‘dumb masses’.
Whenever I hear of someone decrying a ‘recession’, I cringe. Recessions are GOOD! They shake out all the junk in the system. We should inform folks of that or we’ll have to face this over and over.
The problem is that investors (aka Congress members in parts) now want the bail out, the money, and they don’t care if the CEOs or the system is crookedly supported by Congress.
In other words, now people will not invest in a man or in a good private company, but into a government thug backed company that is lazy and f@ggy. They want to turn America into a Euro airbus whore of Babylone.
There were no IPOs in the second quarter and only 1 IPO in the third quarter.
Looks like it’s already happening!
Maybe we could be like Russia. Only allowed to buy stocks but not allowed to sell or trade....
The founding Fathers, heck, even Rome, would be horrified by the Berdnakest knee jerk reaction without prealable justification. We are in an age we do not want to think and see pay ups occur, the slavery economy from China, the backing of failed economists in foreign hands and what not.
What happened to real prophets none wanted to hear? What happened to the Josephs who urged to protect against future famines and avoid behaviors fomenting AIDS? They were throw in jail, hushed and smeared by a complicit media, abandoned to foreign enemies and leftist terrorists, bled and raped to death by empowered feminist pedophiles working for the government. Yeah, those who laughed at the Bible are going to have gnashing teeth, all of them doomed mental leppers.
Ugh! It is bad enough that the FDA approves of what they try to pass off as food. That stuff is nothing but toxic waste!
It would be rough to leave people married with their investments, but, then again, the question is who is risking what and who is to stick obediently to whom? To be sure, the man of war and the army does precede the man of trade in patriotic settlements. A sort of merc arrangement could be made.
When “man” takes the risk, “woman” must obey in order to avoid her sabotaging his entreprize in adultery or whims of the day. But when man can become a woman and things get mixed up beyond the realm, it’s a mess.
As for IPOs, I’d see it indeed as a sign that someone is out to sell when it is about to go down in price and become junky. So the link between IPO approvals and backing by .gov is indeed interesting.
Ping
Extra heavy on the red tape. Just like i like it!
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