Posted on 11/30/2007 8:18:46 AM PST by qam1
Extreme parenting has come to be associated with images of overly involved parents — this generation's stage parents, who manage and control every minute of their child's life, imposing their adult dreams and desires onto the little ones in a pathetic attempt to fuel their own insatiable need for success and recognition. As familiar as this parental profile has become, another form of extreme parenting has emerged, one that is getting harder to ignore. I am referring to the increasingly ubiquitous parenting approach that rejects the use of the word "no," and in which even the most reasonable degree of parental limit-setting is consistently absent.
Most of us have been in social situations where we've observed, with incredulity, a parent bow to the extreme demands of a menacingly persistent child, inches from a tantrum — "Okay, but honey, that's your last package of Twizzlers before breakfast." Worse, many of us too often have been that parent. What is happening here? I thought the Dr. Spock generation put an end to tyrannical rule within family life a few generations ago. It did not. In too many families the tyrant still rules — but today he is much shorter.
How did the power balance in our parent-child relationship become so off-kilter? In what other relationship would we give in to someone we love, as a matter of course, saying "yes" to every demand, every whim, no matter how unreasonable — and expect our emotional connection to remain unharmed? "I know, dear, our new neighbor really is a knock-out, especially in that two-piece. Well, okay, but just this once, and don't be home too late, it's a work night."
On the very far end of the non-confrontational parenting trend, and seemingly designed for parents who would rather get out of the driver's seat altogether, is an organization called Taking Children Seriously. TCS adherents attempt to parent without infringing upon the children's will. When there's a conflict, they find a compromise between the child's and parent's desires; eliminating the win/lose dynamic. The examples provided on their website seem absurdly idealistic, and impossible for any parent who needs to care for a newborn sibling, meet a deadline or get dinner on the table to implement. Not to mention, this approach seems to overlook the profound limitations of a young child's capacity for reason and impulse control
Aside from this extreme example, this recent transformation in child-rearing appears to be a twisted, supercharged version of what began benignly as a "child-centered" approach to family life. Its effect on our children is attracting notice — and not just among our in-laws. Several new books have appeared within the last year, each identifying a cultural phenomenon of concern to any of us who are attempting to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. If the experts' predictions are on target, we're facing a future filled with overgrown, ill-tempered, and entitled Baby Hueys who will spend their adulthood wondering why they can't sustain an intimate adult relationship or hold down a decent job.
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
An increasing number of childcare experts suggest that American parents are in dire need of a comprehensive re-evaluation of how effectively we are raising our children. If parents, like most employees, received an end-of-year job evaluation, this year's would be a particularly uncomfortable assessment. Don't even think about a performance-based bonus...........
When my nephew was little, my brother was wringing his hands about how to discipline him and still remain his “best friend.”
Our mother told him, “You’re not his friend, you’re his boss.”
(But know they WILL not like it!)
Oh, I don't care if they don't like it, but I get myself in trouble with my lady when I do that! She never had children, and like most childless people, she doesn't understand the role of shame in getting parents to do the right thing.
We don't usually watch that stuff, but I happened to see that episode. What insanity! I just can't fathom these people. We've already started talking to our sons (12 and 14) about the implications of high-maintenance, materialistic girls in their lives. We would sure hate to end up with one of these spoiled little princesses as a daughter-in-law.
I didn’t discipline my kids in public, if the look didn’t work I just tried to get out of where ever I was with them and they not only got their a$$es busted, they got the 30 minute nag. It didn’t take them long to figure out that behaving in public meant no spanking and no tirade and they were very well behaved and people noticed and complimented me and them. I could take them anywhere.
My wife thought it was made up - “there can’t really be people out there like that”. I assured her it wasn’t made up (it took about three tries though!)
She finally had to leave the room because she was so mad at the insanity of it all!
And yes - we talked about “I sure would hate to be that girl’s husband...”
However, the second place party with the two girls - they SOUNDED halfway decent “I know I’m lucky ...”, and they asked for their presents to be donations to some charity - some $50,000 was raised.
However, any 16 year-old that can go into a jewelry store with her girl friend and drop $150,000 on a necklace and earrings could probably be considered as “spoiled”. (And sort of puts the whole $50k to charity in perspective.)
LOL. Another FReeper mentioned collecting "Toys for Tots" with his children, and then being in a poor part of town, and having the child say, "Look, Daddy! There's a Tot! Wow, there's another Tot!"
We had to evacuate for a tornado a few years ago, and our children started to cry as we got in the van to go to the shelter. I said, "Don't worry, we'll be safe in the shelter," and my son said, "Our house is going to blow down!" I said, "Then our insurance company will get you all new toys!"
While we were in the concrete bunker with several hundred of our closest friends, Bill kept saying, "Don't worry! If your house blows down, your insurance company will get you all new stuff!" (The tornado missed us, so we got to keep our old stuff :-).
Yes ... “road rage” is being committed by adults today ... wait till these kids who witness it grow up ... it is adults that kids are around that SET THE EXAMPLE.
How many times have you read stories about a Mom or Dad physically or verbally accosting a teacher or an umpire? How about adults and young college students killing babies or even young adults? Kids HEAR about this.
What about kids bringing drugs and guns to school at YOUNGER and YOUNGER ages? They get them from oblivious parent(s). Those raising the kids set the example. If parent(s) are MIA then LIBERAL public school teachers take over with situational ethics and promoting the LIBERAL agenda. I don’t see a good outcome with all this stuff ROUTINELY going on.
“Children are born liberals. The role of parenting is one of civilizing them into conservatives.”
Absolutely RIGHT!
Children have to learn SELF CONTROL, sharing, caring about others and that there are consequences for bad behavior.
That’s tagline material. Brilliant
They don’t have time, to busy catering to their little brats who can do no wrong.
I wonder if they’ll have time to visit them in jail or at their grave site after being killed at 14 years old during a holdup.
They don’t have time, to busy catering to their little brats who can do no wrong.
I wonder if they’ll have time to visit them in jail or at their grave site after being killed at 14 years old during a holdup.
Then they’ll wonder ... “what went wrong” ... “we did everything for him/her ...” ... “no, my child couldn’t have done THAT ...”
That’ll be the raction.
thats a good cat
I was in a WalMart once near Christmas last year. There was this kid screaming and crying for their own way about something. This went on for a couple of minutes, without mom doing anything. Finally yours truly, loudly, to no one in particular ;) says "SOMEBODY NEEDS A SPANKIN", There must have been about a dozen people in the area that applauded or cheered or verbally agreed.
Surprisingly, mom suddenly removed Little Precious to somewhere, I don't know where. I do know it became quiet in there.
In another event, 7-8 years ago, I was at a restaurant, and there was this little kid in a booster chair fussing, and shrieking and being just and all around brat. After giving mom and dad 'the hairy eyeball', mom and dad just gave back the most pathetic helpless glances back. Finally I was absolutely fed up (and not with food), and mentioned to mom and dad that Jr. needed some special attention with someones hand across his backside. Well mom didn't like that one bit and became VERY indignant, and started ranting and almost outright yelling (talking very loudly).
My response was "Oh I was wrong it isn't Jr. that needs the beating, Its obviously you (mom)!"
At this point Dad decides he finally has a spine and proceeds to start talking very loudly at me, "How dare you talk to my wife like that! Who do you think you are?" As he starts to get out of his booth.
My response was "You don't have the balls to stand up to your own kid, I know you don't have enough to stand up to me. I suggest you sit down, while your able, and you, and your wife and kid "QUIETLY", finish your dinner.
At this point Miss Charming tells her husband that they're leaving, and that SHE's talking to the manager. I don't know what was said, but it didn't look pleasant. The manager looked sorry/ambivalent, and Mr. Noscrotum and family seemed peeved, and didn't look like they paid.
Soon afterwards the manager came over and profusely apologized for the disruption during dinner, and offered and provided dessert. After dessert was done, the waitress let me know that our dinner was on the house.
Now, on the other hand, I've been out with my buddy and his wife and kids (7, ages 2-13) (the kids, not the wife). More than once, people have come up and commented how well behaved the kids are. Waitresses have made comments, bringing other waitresses over to see how a well behaved family acts.
In church, older folks, in their 70's and 80's, rave about the kids, often hugging the little ones. Some calling my buddy SuperDad. Oh and when I say church, I mean that the kids sit in church, with the adults. At times, the older ones, 13, 11, and 10 years old ask questions after church, about the meaning of this or that. I'm amazed at the maturity level.
And believe me, his kids, are kids. His house is full of the "pitterpatter" of little feet, and laughter, and sometimes loud exuberant voices. The happiness in that house is virtually contagious.
It’s interesting isn’t it. I’m all for positive parenting. I think it’s a good idea. It’s good to give children options. It’s good to understand their frustrations and hear them when they talk. But like so many other nice ideas it doesn’t lead to a good result, does it.
They NEED to hear the word NO. But it’s a word they can’t repeat back to us. That causes confusion. It’s a nuance. But it’s a nuance they need to ‘get.’
Damn straight my FRiend.
Reminds me of a recent contest between classrooms at my kids’ school. My son’s class did not make the class goal and didn’t earn an ice cream party.
You wouldn’t believe the number of parents who complained! Even the principal wanted to buy them a big cookie so they wouldn’t feel left out. I told her that it was good she thought better of it and I would have been FURIOUS had they gotten a reward despite failing to reach the goal. I told her I didn’t want that message sent to my child.
You know, the kids weren’t nearly as upset at missing out as some of the parents!
Great stories, mountn man! My favorite thing to announce is, "Whoseever's getting a welfare check to watch you certainly isn't earning it!"
Children of sharecropper Frank Tengle at their Hale County, Alabama, cabin in the summer of 1936.
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