Posted on 11/30/2007 8:18:46 AM PST by qam1
Extreme parenting has come to be associated with images of overly involved parents — this generation's stage parents, who manage and control every minute of their child's life, imposing their adult dreams and desires onto the little ones in a pathetic attempt to fuel their own insatiable need for success and recognition. As familiar as this parental profile has become, another form of extreme parenting has emerged, one that is getting harder to ignore. I am referring to the increasingly ubiquitous parenting approach that rejects the use of the word "no," and in which even the most reasonable degree of parental limit-setting is consistently absent.
Most of us have been in social situations where we've observed, with incredulity, a parent bow to the extreme demands of a menacingly persistent child, inches from a tantrum — "Okay, but honey, that's your last package of Twizzlers before breakfast." Worse, many of us too often have been that parent. What is happening here? I thought the Dr. Spock generation put an end to tyrannical rule within family life a few generations ago. It did not. In too many families the tyrant still rules — but today he is much shorter.
How did the power balance in our parent-child relationship become so off-kilter? In what other relationship would we give in to someone we love, as a matter of course, saying "yes" to every demand, every whim, no matter how unreasonable — and expect our emotional connection to remain unharmed? "I know, dear, our new neighbor really is a knock-out, especially in that two-piece. Well, okay, but just this once, and don't be home too late, it's a work night."
On the very far end of the non-confrontational parenting trend, and seemingly designed for parents who would rather get out of the driver's seat altogether, is an organization called Taking Children Seriously. TCS adherents attempt to parent without infringing upon the children's will. When there's a conflict, they find a compromise between the child's and parent's desires; eliminating the win/lose dynamic. The examples provided on their website seem absurdly idealistic, and impossible for any parent who needs to care for a newborn sibling, meet a deadline or get dinner on the table to implement. Not to mention, this approach seems to overlook the profound limitations of a young child's capacity for reason and impulse control
Aside from this extreme example, this recent transformation in child-rearing appears to be a twisted, supercharged version of what began benignly as a "child-centered" approach to family life. Its effect on our children is attracting notice — and not just among our in-laws. Several new books have appeared within the last year, each identifying a cultural phenomenon of concern to any of us who are attempting to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. If the experts' predictions are on target, we're facing a future filled with overgrown, ill-tempered, and entitled Baby Hueys who will spend their adulthood wondering why they can't sustain an intimate adult relationship or hold down a decent job.
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
An increasing number of childcare experts suggest that American parents are in dire need of a comprehensive re-evaluation of how effectively we are raising our children. If parents, like most employees, received an end-of-year job evaluation, this year's would be a particularly uncomfortable assessment. Don't even think about a performance-based bonus...........
I’m not responding since we don’t always get what we want.
You do know why they call them the "terrible two's", right? It's a phase that starts when they're two but, don't worry, it ends when they turn twenty two. :=)
It's amazing how many people don't manage their own homes... When I was young, my parents bought a good sized farm in Quakertown, PA. Besides getting out of the city (well, for few years) my father wanted us to learn how to work. I could use an ax, shoot and clean various guns and care for animals before I was in first grade.
As for the word 'No'. We were not generally not permitted to use the word 'No'. My parents taught us the only responses that they should hear from us was 'yes sir' and 'yes mam'
Whatever the experts say. I’m so glad that I’ve raised mine and wouldn’t even consider doing it again in today’s society. It’s like running a race on a track full of tacks and nails with a crowd throwing beer bottles at you and finally being disqualified by crooked judges after you’ve won.
I work at a local YMCA, and some of the children are so poorly behaved. One child was throwing a screaming tantrum because he didn’t want to leave, simply lying on his back and screaming while his parent watched. A few minutes later, he was running around on the pool deck. I talked to him about it, and told the father what I had just said. The father said ‘Oh, he’s almost five, and I can’t get anything through to him.’ I was completely floored that a parent would allow a child that old to simply scream their head off in public without telling them to stop because he just assumed that his kid wouldn’t listen. The only thing I hate more is the occasional parent who tells the kids it’s OK to break the rules - just because you’re their parent doesn’t mean that you’re the absolute authority in this world.
Too true.
When did the notion that a household is a democracy with each inhabitant having an equal vote become prevalent? Since 2003, I have told my children that if our house was a country, the United States would have liberated them by now.
“No” was my oldest son’s first word (he’s now almost 8). Guess he heard it a lot! And, I’m glad to say, he and his little brother STILL hear it a lot!
...when parents create a household where the children cannot rely on them to say "no," or to set clear limits, the children lose a sense of safety, a sense of organization about the world around them, and the ability to experience and integrate the basic life lessons necessary for them to evolve into well-developed and mature adults.
What this child too often gains when parents indulge and overprotect ... is a profound sense of entitlement, a disregard for the needs of others, and an inability to put forth the genuine effort needed to develop — academically, socially, and emotionally.
I was not looking for a response. I did not say it to get a rise I said it to point out the logical dissonance you may have missed. Yes that is a better technique than what the article talks about. But, no, that is not actually putting your foot down. It can’t fully be since you are simultaneously reminding her of something she DOES get away with.
LOL! We've been through that with several children! "Bad baby, don't hit kitty!" as she's chasing the cat with a spoon in her hand ...
"Natural consequences" will take care of some of this, as your son's reasoning processes develop. He'll notice that the cat bites, the stove burns, and the books fall off the shelf on his head. My 3-year-old recently showed a scratch on his hand to our priest, and explained, "Bad James! It's your own fault the cat doesn't like you!"
(Father was a bit confused, because - in addition to being hard of hearing - he's also named James!)
Speak up and shame them.
(But know they WILL not like it!)
And what are the consequences of this behavior?
I love it!
My oldest daughter tried that on her mother, who said: "Go ahead. Maybe you'll be happier in your new home."
She never tried it again.
Kids say the darndest things...Here are a couple from my own.
My daughter, at a younger age, used to start a temper tantrum by yelling, "What's my Problem!!!!" This likely came from her mother (and my loving wife) asking her the same question as she started a meltdown.
Worse...
After hurricane Katrina, we donated things. My daughter participated and donated toys (Goodwill, Garage sales, charities, etc.) to the "Hurricane kids." The news was everywhere and we showed her on the news how people were suffering from the storms and why they needed our help. Not long after, we were at a parade. A couple of young children of African American decent wandered up next to us on the crowded street to catch candy that people in the parade were throwing for the children. My same daughter announced loud enough for all to hear, "Mommy, look! There are Hurricane Kids here."
My wife sat down in here lawn chair and buried her head. I pretended not to know the little girl.
Yes.
Next question...
Our kids already know that we are “the best parents ever” (although they are all under 13!). I taped a show I stopped at while clicking and we watched some show on “Biggest Bling Bashes” (or something). It was the most expensive “Sweet 16” parties - probably was MTV or something. Anyway, the cameras followed the kids (and sometimes the parents) on their preperations for the party.
Highest one was 1.3 million - but that included a $1 million dollar price for some rap guy to appear that was under contract by the kids dad, so I’m not sure that should have counted.
The one bratty girl in California was crying and carrying on at her birthday dinner with her parents because they didn’t buy her a new car like she wanted. (She was looking at a Range Rover). This was a week after coming back from Paris looking for dresses to wear to her party!)
Anyway, the Dad gave her the car ($75,000 customized Rover) on the day of her party - but on one condition - that she respect him and her Mom).
Anyway - I could go on and on. My kids thought it was stupid and foolish and could tell that the girl was a spoiled rotten brat.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.