Some Date! (Highschool/College Scene: No Date, No Dance, Just Hanging Out and Hooking Up?)

Wall Street Journal ^ | November 1, 2007 | Jeff Zaslow

[Mrs. Don-o]

Last month, a boy asked my 16-year-old daughter to his school's homecoming dance. She agreed to go, bought a new dress and made a hairdresser appointment.

The boy never bought tickets to the dance. Neither did his friends. They decided that attending homecoming wouldn't be cool, and instead planned to just dress up that night, go out for dinner and then hang out with their dates at someone's house.

My daughter was disappointed, as were her girlfriends. They would have loved to have been taken to the dance, to show off their dresses, to see and be seen.

At 6 p.m. on the night of the boycotted dance, about a dozen of these girls and their dates gathered in one boy's backyard so a mob of parents could photograph them. I found it dispiriting. My heart went out to those girls -- all dressed up with no place to go. Couldn't we, as parents, have demanded that the boys take our daughters to the dance? Why did we stand there, clicking our digital cameras, saying nothing?

I live in suburban Detroit, but this phenomenon is playing out elsewhere in the country, too -- a telling example of the indifference with which young people today view dating, chivalry and romance.

Studies, of course, show more young people skipping romantic relationships in favor of "hooking up." As teens socialize in packs, forgo one-on-one dating and trade sex nonchalantly, it is no stretch to find that boys are asking girls to homecoming and not bothering to take them there. But with so many young people ignoring once-sacrosanct dating rites, how can we respond?

[Campion]

Also, if a girl is too much work..having to make the effort to call, arrange a date ahead of time, meet the parents, get to know her....in other words take things slow and seriously, they lose interest.

They may just be concluding that she isn't really very interested, and is just putting hoops up for them to jump through because it's less traumatic than dumping them outright.

[Candor7]

You are right on there Apple, forgive my lack of knowledge of Italian male pogroms, all I know about Italy involves pasta and a few of their actresses , who are fine specimens.

Maybe I should pay more attention to Italia, my sis goes over there every few years and speaks well of it.

But masculocentric non-development is a cultural result of liberal socialist based disempowerment of traditional male culture. I mean who wants to be an ass kicker if your parents make you watch "Broke Back Mountain," when you are 8 years old, instead of "the Outlaw Josey Wales?"

When I was 8 , I was out ridge running with the family hound carrying a .410 single shot for grouse. So did my son.We were both ready for the world by the time we turned 18, maybe not the sharpest knives in the drawer (LOL) , but we knew how to cope and look after ourselves.

And we had manners, and the girlies loved to hang with us at that age...dances ( you bet)....canoe trips ....yup.....summer camps ....( fun) and we were always in the mix with the co-eds. AND my son and I are a generation apart. So it was all possible until about 10 years ago, when the culture wars began to take their toll on socializing young men.

We got to keep on fighting for the old ways. Or our society will be inundated with gurly men, and punksters who say nothing more than, " What about me?" and know little about coping with life until they ARE in their 40s,with two ex's and kids from three different women, who sit in front of a box and drool for 6 hours every day.

Gurly men untie! You have nothing to lose but your brains!LOL.

[CzarNicky]

I mean who wants to be an ass kicker if your parents make you watch "Broke Back Mountain," when you are 8 years old,

An unfortunate choice of words.

[dfwgator]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______

Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain:
       ______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                        __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  __No
   pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? 

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION: 

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

       father? _____________

       mother? _____________

       pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

       ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

       ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

       ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

       ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

       ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

[Dick Vomer]

that might be how it is in Detroit, but in College Station Texas.... the boys have to come up with creative ways to ask girls on dates...flowers delivered in class, friends helping to decorate a room in the house for her to walk in and be surprised.... and the boys give corsages and get garter belts around their arms with streamers of the school colors and different decorations depending on the sport or activity of the young man.

There is a "lock in" with all night supervised activities including pizza, rock climbing, games, movies and electronic games...those that opt out in Bryan Texas have a curfew and College Station has cops all over the street, "just in case".

There have been a couple of parties with alcohol that I've been told about, but small city with everybody knowing what's going on...it doesn't get easy...they just get in trouble.

By the way, any MAN that lets his daughter get treated like a Tuesday night date (not good enough for Friday or Saturday) and treated like a whore shouldn't complain.

I sat the young men who took my daughters out and explained it like this.

"You've got the responsibility of bringing my daughter home in as close to the same condition that she's leaving." I want you to treat her like you would like your friends to treat your most prized possession if you lent it out. In other words you want it back at the agreed time and not dirty or destroyed.

Shook their hands and said," you have fun and be careful son."

I'm not saying my kids are saints, but they do know right from wrong and that's about as much as you can ask....then you trust them, pray to God and hope they make the right choices.

[Elyse]

I dunno, my daughter got taken to Homecoming dances and to the junior and senior proms, as well as annual JROTC balls at which the young gentlemen dressed in their fine uniforms. This was just a couple of years ago. We live near Washington DC.

This is exactly what I was thinking. The prom wasn't canceled for lack of participation. This person's daughter just hooked up with a guy that didn't care enough about her to take her to prom. Then the parent allowed the daughter to be treated without respect and even took pictures of it.

Why did the parent allow their daughter to go out with this loser? Why did they buy an expensive dress and pay for hair and nails and the works for their daughter to be taken to hang in someone's backyard? Why didn't they sit these kids down as soon as they found out the plans and expressly tell the boy that this was not an acceptable way to treat their daughter?

The bottom line is that parents have abdicated responsibility for their daughter's well being and then they want to complain afterwards about how their daughters were treated with no respect, like it was no fault of their own.

[VaFarmer]

I completely support the point of this thread, but I don’t really think a new dress and a Homecoming Dance are going to get young women past the risks of adolescence.

Homecoming dances always had their problems. The attractive and the lucky liked them and had a good time. The ugly, the shy and the out-of-step suffered at home. If you went to a school where 90% of the students went to the dance, fine. I went to a school where only the elite went, maybe 20% at most. The rest just felt left out.

I have counseled kids who are struggling to get over their high school traumas 20 years later. Can’t afford a dress? Girls won’t talk to you? You feel fat? Boys think you’re a freak? You belong to a group of high schoolers much larger than the group that ever went to the homecoming dance.

High schoolers need to spend productive time with good people of all ages. Nothing else will do the job. They can work with good people, or go to church with good people, or play sports with good people, whatever. Hooking up didn’t start the problems of teenage life and dating won’t fix them.

Time with parents and responsible adults, good family relationships and relationships with young and old friends are the way to get your kid grown up with less chance of developmentat disaster.

In my day, the Fraternity boys always came by the dorm to pick up the freshman girls. It may have looked like a date, but the exploitation was even worse than this author sees in his daughter’s experience.

[lafroste]

Where do you live?

[Age of Reason]

Ladies go to finishing school, not college.

[Age of Reason]

Most women are aggressive, unladylike, and unbearable to be around anymore.

The other thing I've noticed, is that some women now drive as agressively and obnoxiously as some men.

[Age of Reason]

The girls come to campus acting civilized, but within weeks become binge drinkers hanging out at frat parties.

See what I mean?

[UFC Pride K1]

I don’t know your son nor his girlfriend, so don’t take this too personally because for all I know they could be waiting for marriage - I’m just addressing this situation in general, using it as a spring board to disseminate some information...

Did you know teens have sex most often when spending the night at a boyfriends/friends house, after the hours of 10:00pm??? So if teens are spending the night in the same house, even with the parents being home, *don’t* be surprised if a girlfriend acts as a wife, if you know what I mean....

Don’t think it doesn’t happen - I’ve seen it happen in my own family with one of my brothers, despite my parents’ trust in him.. I certainly tried myself after a jr. prom - thank goodness my girlfriend at the time wouldn’t give in..

Sigh, for the most part, for most teens, dating is a bust, unless you consider premarital sex ok... Maybe it’s time that parents tell their kids to not only save sex for marriage, but to save dating for when they are financially and emotionally ready for marriage????

And no, I don’t buy the “practicing for a serious relationship” etc - that can be learned just as well at a later date, like when one is able to support a family or ready to raise one...

[xc1427]

...and there is the major problem. We don’t allow our children to go through childhood. Instead, society wants nine-year-olds to become miniature adults.

There is too much meaningless strucure forced on children through their parents. They think their children must be somewhere constantly—cub scouts, little league, gymnastics....

Whatever happened to letting our children DAYDREAM? Children should be forced to look at the clouds for at least sixty minutes a day...and so should the adults!!! Let them figure it out for themselves.

If you let children grow up, as opposed to growing confused, parents can then and only then teach their children about RIGHT FROM WRONG!!! :)

[Chickensoup]

Ladies go to finishing school, not college.

I know some pretty rank females from Farmington.

[Chickensoup]

The other thing I’ve noticed, is that some women now drive as agressively and obnoxiously as some men.

I agree. SOME people are jerks, both sexes.

[napscoordinator]

By the time the senior prom rolls around, the kids are quite confident that they will know what to do, and they really enjoy it. They have a sit down dinner, a dance, and a VERY early breakfast before they all roll home to bed.

That sounds really cool. ours was going to mass, eating a nice dinner at the church social hall and dance. At midnight the house parties began. I did go to one that was fun but tamer than some that went on. I guess I was home by 3.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Lots of response to this one.

[Lizavetta]

And the clique thing at reunions is universal. Many of the same people who were nasty in high school are still nasty 20 years later.

Funny you should say that. A friend of mine who went to her 20th said all her old insecurities resurfaced when she walked in the room, all the same groups re-formed. It was not a pleasant feeling, to say the least.

[rileyObo]

A young man I hired to replace my counter tops turned out to be one amazing young man. He said he went to Comm College one semester, decided it was not for him, started a kitchen remodeling business, got married, and has 3 children.

At 25 years old, he has a stay at home wife, a 3 year old daughter, a 2 year old son and a 8 week old girl. He is thinking of taking on the responsibility of an employee.

I asked my 10 year old daughter and her friend what they would do if at 17, boys picked them up for a dance without tickets. They both replied simultaneously, that they would not go. They both instinctively know they will not let themselves be treated that way. Maybe something will change when they are teenagers, but I hope not.

I asked my 17 year old son about the same situation. He thought they boys may have forgotten to purchase the tickets/or the dance was sold out and were trying to cover for themselves. He said they needed to tell the girls in advance, even if it was only a few hours before and ASK if they could change the date to something else.

I agree an 18 year old is as capable as their grandfathers were at the same age. It use to be boys would be motivated to improve themselves and accomplish things in order to attract a girlfriend or wife. Today, girls give it away, and do not require anything of the boys.

[fetal heart beats by 21st day]

Yes, but to be fair, we tend to see the worst of the situation. These girls are probably more obvious. I know that not all girls are succumbing to this.
My 21 year old son has grown very disillusioned about it because this is what he sees. I tell him he should spend more time in the library, and join more clubs in which he is interested.