Posted on 08/01/2007 6:00:30 PM PDT by beachn4fun
Oh Sandy! I can't even think about this one! LOLOL
Martha Stewart’s redneck tips
GOING OUT:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING: (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
Well....I know pain meds can do that. I hope you sleep well when it comes!
Figured I’d throw some Yuk-Yuks and Guffaws in to the Canteen.
You too!
A neighbor gave Daisy Dog a new toy yesterday. All night I heard “squeaky squeaky”! LOL
I appreciate “Yuk-Yuks and Guffaws”. Thanks for the giggles Sandy!
ROTFLOL! That is so funny. I know that sound too well also ;)
Good evening Bigs...that is a very good hint! I do that often.
Hope you & yours are well....*Hugs*
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Our Flag Flying Proudly One Nation Under God
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Lord, Please Bless Our Troops, They're fighting for our Freedom.
I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic, for which it stands;
one nation UNDER GOD,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
Prayers going up.
I think we checked into that Motel in Vegas once.
Breaking news off interfax wire remeber I told you about Russia ship it has landed in Artic circle report Russia flag on it
Where polar bear and Looter guy welcome them
There another report guess this Dick Cheney old firm going help Saudis to help rebuild new Saudi embassy in Iraq that was destroy bY Saddam in 1980s Halibtron going do it LOL!
That freak out Libs I love it love it
LOL!! Too true...the libs will have a fit.
Just watched AFN Korea News....as they signed off, the commercial was that Focus On The Force, on Monday at 11:00 am eastern time, they would “be exploring the new Africa Command”. Hmmmm....think your story might be on this program?
:)
Thanks, Kathy! I’ll watch for it!
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