Today's Toons 7/23/07

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Al Gore's Live Earth Concert aired from nine sites around the world Saturday. Each concert site was jammed with giant equipment trucks, giant buses to bring the bands, giant motor homes for dressing rooms, Gulfstream jets for the stars and huge electricity generators for the concert itself. The next morning, the planet surrendered.

Hillary Clinton added a video feature to her campaign web site on Friday which shows herself and Bill live on camera wherever they go. The feature is a big hit. Everybody who has seen it marvels at how Bill Clinton dresses so well, and so quickly.

Colin Powell said Sunday he tried to talk President Bush out of invading Iraq. He could have resigned his office in protest and prevented the war, but he didn't. That's how much people hate to fly commercial once they have had their own military jet.

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said Tuesday he has a gut feeling that al-Qaeda is about to attack the U.S. this summer. The administration no longer claims to have secret intelligence. They just stand there and dare Congress to subpoena their intestines.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she'll co-sponsor a bill with Senator Robert Byrd to sunset the war authorization. That means it will expire unless there's a vote to renew it. It's the same procedure that's kept Robert Byrd alive for all these years.

Barack Obama spoke to the NAACP Thursday and denied charges he hasn't lived the black experience. He knows discrimination. Congress is about to raise the tax on each pack of cigarettes sixty-one cents and he is the only candidate who still smokes.

Hillary and Bill Clinton campaigned together in Iowa last week. Eighty percent of women polled in America once said they thought Hillary would leave Bill after his presidency. The other twenty percent of women said he promised them that he would.

The New York Times profiled Fred Thompson's gorgeous blonde wife Jeri Thompson Monday. Pollsters are gauging her effect on voters. She appears to help him carry a crucial voter demographic, male voters between the ages of eighteen and one hundred.

Bill Clinton was ripped by the White House last week for questioning President Bush's honesty in the Scooter Libby commutation. The former president still feels it's improper to let Scooter Libby off free. He's neither a contributor nor a sibling.

John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth began a poverty tour across America Monday to highlight their concern for the poor. They are visiting people with no money and no hope. Their first stop was at John McCain's presidential campaign headquarters.

President Bush signed an order Monday granting himself power to block the bank accounts of people who undermine U.S. policy in Iraq. Reaction was swift. Michael Moore just announced his next movie will be a documentary called President Knows Best.

Elizabeth Edwards shot a campaign commercial for John Edwards Monday. She calls him a tough guy who can stare the worst in the face and not blink. He practices in the mirror every three weeks when he has to get one of those really cheap haircuts.

ABC News said two Iowa women who screamed when they saw Bill Clinton at a July Fourth parade had mistaken him for Bob Barker. The game show host's mission in life is to spay dogs and neuter tomcats. How could those women in Iowa mistake Bill Clinton for his mortal enemy?

Defense Undersecretary and former Dick Cheney advisor Eric Edelman wrote a scathing letter to Hillary Clinton. He told the Armed Services Committee member she was aiding enemy propaganda by asking to see U.S. troop withdrawal plans. The letter was so vicious that authorities are checking to see if Eric Edelman was raised on Michael Vick's farm.

-- Argus Hamilton

The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!

Former President Bill Clinton about to publish a new book called "Giving.” "Giving.” Shouldn’t getting be the name of his new book?

Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter.

In Des Moines Iowa, former President Bill Clinton said he is backing his wife because she is the most qualified and not be cause of any spousal obligation. And believe me, if there’s one guy who’s not swayed by spousal obligation, it’s Bill Clinton.

In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.

The Iraqi government has met eight, only eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. Eight. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has done. Can anyone name eight things Congress has done?

According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low — 14 percent of people approve of Congress. And that’s just the hookers who work for the D.C. madam.

Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate — it will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that!

- - Leno

This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? For the 5,000th year in a row, burqas are in.

In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States cannot successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it’s available in Havana on eight-track tape.

The U.S. Senate is planning on holding a session on Capitol Hill that’s going to last all night. All night session. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, "Hillary won’t be home until when?”

Last night the Senate held an all night session. Sen. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn’t begin with, "Where the hell have you been?”

- - Conan

Another debate last night among Democratic candidates for president. Still only 479 days till the election, everybody. Get ready.

Just as the debate was rapping up, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton started talking, and I guess they didn’t realize their mikes were still on. Here’s what was said [Edwards’ voice dubbed in]: "Hey Hillary, you need to call Maurice of Beverly Hills. Look at my hair, so luxurious so full. Tell him John Edwards sent you.”

- - Kimmel

Two al-Qaeda spies meet in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy hushes him quickly and whispers: "Shhhh!! Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speak Spanish"

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It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to quiver.

"You think as much as a college professor, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's, the week before, it was Animal House.

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I made the final step. I registered to vote as a Democrat.

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Unfortunately, Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton arrive early in heaven, and God addresses them one at a time.

Al is first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. You are a good man. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''

God thinks for a second and says: "You have shown remorse and you are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?''

She replies: "I believe you're in my chair"

SUPERSIZED

(Thank you, Dan Lacey [faithmouse.com])

(Thank you, easonc52)

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