Posted on 07/06/2007 5:24:51 PM PDT by Bluestateredman
COMING OUT: Parents learn true meaning of family after both son and daughter announce they are gay
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Photo by Shawn Lynch/staff photographer Tom and Carole Allen, the parents of a gay son and a gay daughter, at their home in Arlington on Saturday, June 30, 2007.
By Patricia Bertuccio GateHouse News Service Thu Jul 05, 2007, 10:18 AM EDT
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Story Tools: Email This | Print This Arlington, Mass. - “Imagine that, one day, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court sees what you could not — that your children are entitled to the right and privilege to marry the person of their choosing just as you and your husband did 36 years earlier. You begin to understand how discrimination is perpetuated and feel stupid for having accepted it. The old hopes and dreams for family weddings return.”
-From ‘Imagine,’ by Carole Allen The fact that Carole and Tom Allen’s two children are gay was not what disappointed them when their first child, David, then a junior in high school, “came out” and told his family he was attracted to men. Or when their daughter Abbie, at age 14, discovered she was a lesbian.
It was the dream of weddings and grandchildren that really made their hearts ache.
“It was at a time when [homosexuality] was not out there,” Carole said. “It’s just realizing and adjusting your expectations. They had to be altered.”
“But it turned out a lot less than we thought,” Tom added. That was 15 years ago. David, 31, wed his partner Michael in 2004, less than a year after Massachusetts Supreme Court made same-sex marriages legal. On New Year’s Eve, Abbie, 27, will marry her partner Anna at the Charlestown Navy Yard under Boston’s New Year’s fireworks.
Carole beamed when asked to see her son’s wedding album. Her face radiated with pride like the sun on a perfect beach day as she pointed out her son and son-in-law, her daughter and her fiancée Anna, and other family members in the photos.
“Weddings are for parents, by and large,” Tom said. The Allens felt relief when the state legislature, on June 15, voted 151-45 against a referendum that would let voters decide whether to add a constitutional amendment that defines marriage between a man and woman.
“It would have been really humiliating to have people vote on our children and how much our children were worth,” Tom said. “The existing definition of marriage works out very well, thank you very much. It’s just letting more people in the club.”
Tom said his wife should be a registered lobbyist as she worked with local state representatives and senators, wrote a piece called “Imagine” that describes her experience having gay children and the opportunities same-sex marriage has allowed for her family. She testified at the State House to oppose an amendment to outlaw any same-sex relationship.
“People who claim that their marriage is being hurt by gay marriage are missing the point,” Carole said. “It’s quite the opposite.”
Out of the closet “Imagine that, when your son is in high school, you discover that he is attracted to men. Even though your brother is gay, you somehow have ignored evidence that your son could be gay, too. Out of fear, you and your husband confront him about this “dangerous lifestyle,” then spend the next two years anxious and yearning to regain his and each other’s trust. You finally find a way to reach out to each other and become even closer than ever before.”
At their home on Beverly Road, Carole and Tom laugh and talk freely about the uncertainty and adjustment that came with learning their children are homosexuals.
Carole calls accepting the sexual orientation of their children a journey. Her brother is gay, but hearing her son was shocked her.
“We didn’t handle it well. We confronted him in a way that made him say, ‘I don’t know yet.’” Carole said of her son’s sexuality. “We went through a couple of years of isolation and not talking to each other about it, which was very hard.”
Carole said she wanted to learn more about it and went to some PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, support group meetings. She admitted talking about it made her teary-eyed, but after she wrote a letter to David, they reopened the lines of communication.
Tom said he put it aside for a while and it took him years before he could accept and openly talk with coworkers about his children and their sexuality.
“The adjustments are mental. You envision a future for your child and that vision is turned upside,” Tom said. “But as it turns out, it absolutely hasn’t been.”
After picking David up from college his first year, Tom and David talked it out and they began to rebuild their relationship.
When Abbie came out, Carole said it was turbulent time in her daughter’s life and her being a lesbian was the least of her problems.
“She went through a lot of adolescence stuff,” Carole said. “Some of it had to do with that her school placement wasn’t correct for her.”
Abbie helped found the Gay-Straight Alliance at Arlington High School before she transferred to the Cambridge School of Weston, a more arts-focused secondary school. Carole said a school guidance counselor and a therapist helped get Abbie’s sexuality out there and made it easier.
Carole and Tom said some Arlington community members knew David was gay before they did. They didn’t face any discrimination and lauded Arlington’s tolerance.
“The town has a very active focus on diversity and they’re very protective of diversity,” Carole said. “[Discrimination] is not tolerated in this town.”
The Allens said even though the transition was hard, they loved their children and worked hard to embrace them for who they were, regardless of their sexual preferences. And with state officials moving in favor of acceptance and expanding gay rights, everything was falling into place.
“There’s no question that this is the way things are going and anyone trying to resist it is just pulling back against the tide,” Tom said of the recent gay marriage rulings. “You get the feeling that society is moving along with you.”
Brides and babies
“Imagine that your legislature has the opportunity to oppose discrimination once and for all by defeating the proposed constitutional amendment. You will feel pride and gratitude if they stand up for your family – a family that just wants happiness, togetherness, and standing in the community.”
The Allens are gearing up for a second wedding this winter for Abbie and Anna while waiting for David and Michael to work through the adoption process. David and Michael plan to adopt the child of a woman whose pregnancy they will follow while Abbie and Anna already have talked about adopting a child internationally.
Carole said Abbie and her future daughter-in-law both have bride’s dresses and will be back in Arlington this August to continue wedding planning and making arrangements. Carole said wedding planners are excited about organizing a same-sex marriage so they can add it to their portfolios.
Both Tom and Carole called weddings “fun.” The excitement and anticipation of the second wedding gleamed in their eyes and smiles.
Though it took years for the Allens to fully accept their children, the journey is over and they look forward to the next phases of their children’s lives, particularly grandchildren.
“Neither of us would wish they would be any other way because that would change who they are,” Tom said. “You just have to look beyond [sexuality] and embrace your children for the unique and wonderful people they are.”
Quoted material is taken from Carole Allen’s “Imagine,” a piece she wrote and submitted to legislators to earn their support for gay rights.
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Thumbnail psychic sketch:
Coach Dad was rarely home because of his heavy practice and game schedule. Son became alienated at a very early age, is more sensitive and stubborn than sis and began to identify with his mother. He seeks men to fill the void felt from the missing father/son void.
Sister is just a tad smarter and more compliant than her brother and recognized early that the best way to get and keep daddy’s attention was to emulate him by playing sports.
Wonder what type of interactions Uncle Gay had with them when they were young?
Someone ought to rename the Bay State the Gay State. It just seems more appropriate.
Yes, let's all celebrate neurosis.
Right. But now they can get married (to each other because it is OK as it is a Gay Marriage)
I think that would have a profound effect on my will if I were one of the parents.
There is a whole lot of rationalization going on here!
A sad business. Of course you would not repudiate your children because this happened, but it would never be something to celebrate. And I can’t imagine agreeing to boast about it to a newspaper reporter.
Maybe it was the parents’ fault; maybe it was the school or the society we live in; maybe it was just one of those things that sometimes happens when kids do their own thing. But it’s a sad business. No grandchildren, no future.
I was in high school 1959 - 1963 and am trying to imagine what would have happened if any student announced that they were homosexual.
They probably would have been ridiculed on a regular basis and beaten on a semi regular basis. I am not saying that’s right but I do believe it would have happened.
I am zipping my mouth here. As a fairly new member, I don’t want to get in trouble for posting my immediate reaction to your reply.
Nuryev is certainly not gay.
There's other situations that might challenge you I guess.When your daughter tries out for the football team and your son tries on her dress. And you start to think that the Devil's in charge of how your situated. Brother life's not over it's just simply complicated.
Not my hometown paper, but my current-residence (for more than ten years) paper. I wasn’t home when the mail came and this wonderful page 1 article sat on the counter for hours for my children to see before I got home.
Why am I surprised? (I am not really.) I remember a few years ago seeing an “Arlington celebrates diversity” piece about a woman who was head-over-heels in love with another woman. She had been married (to a man) with children and was happy enough. Then her female boss approached her and wanted to know whether she would be open to playing on the other team. The married mother gave it some thought and decided that she would, so the boss moved in with the woman and her husband to give all the children a chance to adjust to the new two-mommy situation. Of course, the husband was very supportive throughout and gracefully exited after a decent interval.
I tried to imagine what reaction the Advocate would get if it ran a story about a happy married mom whose male boss hit and her and caused her to break up her marriage.
Do you remember a few years ago when a school committee member told the AHS graduating class that now they had twice as many potential marriage partners to choose from? That one puzzled me: if orientation is fixed at birth, what possible effect would the gay-marriage law have on the options of heteros?
They probably would have been ridiculed on a regular basis and beaten on a semi regular basis. I am not saying that’s right but I do believe it would have happened.
I recall they were. Back then, "Queer" was not a "good" word. I agree that it was wrong of people to attack them, and we can get into the old standard parroting of "They must have been subliminally queer themselves, to feel so threatened by one."
I never hated them..Just thought they were silly and funny and..well..wrong.
Next on Springer
that was supposed to be “hit on her”
If both kids had 3 arms and bagel ears, 1 leg longer than the other, an IQ of 50 and a habit of eating fresh roadkill,, they’d still love them.
But being “gay” makes it easier to pretend things are normal.
Somewhere along the line I’ve stopped believing this BS. I simply am not capable of believing that anybody “discovers they are gay” at age 14; I have a much easier time believing that kids are being recruited.
Typical emotional attitude. I wouldn't have been voting on how much her children were worth. I would have been voting on SOCIETY'S worth. I want a stable, growing society bound by laws and morality. A society doesn't have stability without stable families, and those are families with a father AND mother present in the home raising children to be good and moral people. There are some homes where there is only a father or a mother raising children, but to do so successfully, the kids need role models of the opposite gender of their parent in order to provide balance in their upbringing.
Homosexual couples don't provide that balance, even is one does act more 'male' and one more 'female'. Odd how that seems to happen in most homosexual relationships, isn't it?
“Interesting. I wonder how much time the Uncle had with his nephew.”
Bingo! These emotionally charged articles are enough to gag a maggot. It’s all about their individual narcissistic selfish “feelings”, which will change from day to day, and will never fulfill these two. Selfishness is never fulfilling, ever. It leaves you empty, bitter, and lonely.
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