Today's Toons 6/4/07

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Governor Bill Richardson campaigned on Meet the Press on Sunday. He said he was a pitcher in prep school and summer league ball. Forget the presidency, he wants George Steinbrenner to know that he's available in case Roger Clemens doesn't have it.

Syria reported a huge voter turnout in its presidential election on Sunday and Bashar Assad was re-elected president. He was the only candidate on the ballot. An optimist is anybody who stays up late in Damascus to see how the election came out.

Rosie O'Donnell quit The View on Friday rather than continue arguing every day with Republican co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck about Iraq. It's an epidemic. If one more Democrat caves in, West Virginia is going to start naming coal mines after them.

Democratic candidate Bill Richardson reversed himself Friday and opposed the immigration reform bill. The man's a born political survivor. For the first time in twenty years, Bill Richardson is pointing out he's Anglo-Saxon on his father's side.

Congress passed a two dollar and twelve cents an hour increase in the minimum wage as part of the Iraq war funding bill. The timing's perfect. The first step to getting twelve million illegal aliens to go home is to give them a forty percent raise.

Carl Bernstein's book on Hillary Clinton says Bill tried to leave her for another woman eighteen years ago but she wouldn't give him a divorce. She said there were worse things than infidelity. This is the kind of perfect match between woman and man which e-Harmony promises in their television commercials but only G-d can deliver.

The American Legion denounced John Edwards Monday for calling for Memorial Day to be a day to protest Iraq. It angered veterans and it angered the candidate's own security detail. All day long, John Edwards's Secret Service code name was Barbarella.

The National Spelling Bee began in Washington D.C. Wednesday featuring two hundred and eighty-six contestants. They are young, they are smart and they are adorable on camera. Just to be on the safe side, Katie Couric is going to have them all killed.

Arkansas's former governor and GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee proposed getting rid of the U.S. income tax on Tuesday. The effect was electrifying. The next day Kobe Bryant went on the radio and demanded to be traded from the Democratic Party.

Fidel Castro wrote a newspaper article Wednesday claiming President Bush tried to kill him. That's very unlikely. Since Castro's intestinal problems obviously resulted from something he ate, shouldn't he be pointing the finger at the Russians?

-- Argus Hamilton

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(To the tune of Leaving On A Jet Plane)

Oh, my back is wet, and I’m here to work
The menial jobs your people shirk.
Already, I’ve got three forms of I.D.

My wife’s expecting, any day.
When the nino comes, we’ll have a way
To qualify for housing subsidy.

So grant me legitimacy,
And, while you’re at it, amnesty.
Show me you’re too weary to resist.
Deport me, on a jet plane,
Two days, and I’ll be back again.
And, Man! Will I be pissed!

I’ll fly my flag all over town.
I’ll fly yours, too, but upside down.
My Numero Uno finger in your face!

But, don’t you see, that it’s my right,
And if it makes you get up tight,
You’ll be called hate mongers, based on race.

So grant me legitimacy,
And, while you’re at it, amnesty.
Show me you’re too weary to resist.
Deport me, on a jet plane,
Two days, and I’ll be back again.
And, Man! Will I be pissed!

Now, let me put your mind at ease.
Just give me your apologies,
And I’ll make nice, you’ll become my friends.

We’ll share this land in harmony,
Dos amigos, you and me,
Pay no attention to the voting trends.

So grant me legitimacy,
And, while you’re at it, amnesty.
Show me you’re too weary to resist.
Deport me, on a jet plane,
Two days, and I’ll be back again.
And, Man! Will I be pissed!

Yes, deport me, on a jet plane,
Two days, and I’ll be back again.
(Give it up, I must insist.)

-- LantzALot

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Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor.

Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American.

Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap."

Senator Barack Obama has jumped into the presidential race. ... That's the big rumor. Barack will officially announce on the 'Oprah' show. I think Hillary will announce on 'Trading Spouses,' and of course, John Kerry will announce on 'The Biggest Loser.'"

SUPERSIZED

(Thank you, Richard Kimball)

(Thank you, easonc52)

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