Posted on 05/20/2007 11:33:54 AM PDT by firehat
STATIC FROM THE ATTIC ©
NOTES OF AN UNHAPPY CAMPER
by Norman Liebmann
During The War of 1812 British soldiers burned Washington D.C. to the ground. Where are the Red Coats now that we need them? George Bush’s much-advertised “new tone” degenerated into the mucous that is Washington politics. His moral collapse on the illegal immigration issue has earned him the title Capitulator-in-Chief. Bush double-crossed the Republican base on securing our southern border. Apparently Texas can breed whores as well as heifers. I find myself in grudging sympathy with Cindy Sheehan. I would not have considered that possible. (On this issue, Bill O’Reilly tried to throw in the towel, but, as they say in the NFL, he couldn’t get it away.)
**
The recent political debates proved once again, asking a politician a question is like playing handball against a blanket. Nothing comes back. The only consistent manifestation of excellence in the debates must be attributed to Brit Hume’s tailor.
It becomes easy to admire the late Jerry Falwell once you consider who his enemies were.
Paris Hilton’s sentence has been reduced due to her attorney’s clever use of a legal ploy called The Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Defense.
With regard to Ted Kennedy, Americans have mixed emotions - some people hate him while others despise him. Judging from the destruction wrought on America by Ted Kennedy it is safe to say, if not for a few timely and much mis-lamented assassinations, America would have been destroyed a long time ago.
The Spaniards inseminated indiscriminately and turned too much of the world into demographic copies of The Philippines.
If Mexico wants to keep encouraging illegal aliens to sneak into America, we can always employ them as pińatas - which is one of those jobs that Americans won’t do.
After hearing several of her speeches, Hillary Clinton’s policies are about as clearly defined as King Kong’s bikini line.
The next race war will be between Madonna and Angelina Jolie over wanting to adopt the same Third World pickaninny. (George Bush may get into the fracas in that he already wants to adopt all the non-Caucasians in the world.)
You don’t have to love Don Imus in order to hate Al Sharpton.
Treason never sleeps, but then, again, Hollywood always did keep late hours.
In gratitude for championing the jailbirds’ right to vote, inmates are making Hillary a set of reversible license plates for speeding incognito.
Gays think homosexuality is even more glamorous than show business. In fact it seems a tossup. Along those lines, a demographic analysis reveals a high percentage of the people that flocked to see the movie, The Passion of the Christ, were gay. One characteristic comment by a member of the audience was, “I didn’t know Jesus was into body piercing”.
In 1961, Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, Newton N. Minnow, called television “a vast wasteland”. He would be dismayed to see how much it has deteriorated since then.
If you see Arabs coming up your driveway firing AK47s, the ACLU is not going to save your ass. Islam is spreading like a pox. It is time to eradicate them. If you can’t eradicate them irradiate them so they can’t reproduce.
Bill Clinton will take a more active role in international politics by visiting foreign leaders. He is what America needs - a sex maniac who makes house calls. (It’s later than we think. The rumor is Bill Clinton has begun spiking his Viagra with Geritol.)
We need Sigourney Weaver on our southern border for two reasons. She knows all about aliens, and she knows how to kick ass.
One good way to give the economy a boost is to stiff a panhandler and spend the money in a Wal*mart.
Democrats are a party of tax junkies. They made “tax” a four letter word. Democrats are Humanity’s version of crabgrass.
A European physician reveals his conclusion that French males are a great source of untapped estrogen. Where’s the surprise?
The successive killing off of the members of the Soprano family by their creator, David Chase, makes it unanimous that “crime doesn’t pay”.
The sexual aphorism is “Do unto others but wear a moon suit before you do unto anyone in San Francisco”.
We found today’s justifiable redundancy. Arkansas is the Indian curse word for Arkansas.
The answer to global warming is not global squabbling.
Considering its descent into the slime of immorality, that state of Vermont should change its name to Vermuck.
Due to the inability of transsexuals to reproduce themselves they have been added to the endangered What-iz-it List.
In Oxnard, California, a Mexican stabbed his girlfriend to death in a parking lot. The police came and got him. It’s a good thing he was an illegal alien or he’d be in real trouble. (The latest accommodation with the “beaners” will oblige the Auto Club to dispatch wreckers to illegal aliens who need to be towed away from the scenes of their crimes.)
The Republicans will agree to take down the Confederacy’s Stars Bars from over the State House of South Carolina. The Democrats want to do the same but will insist on replacing it with the hammer and sickle.
Bill Clinton was born in 1946 which some people in Arkansas still think of as a vintage year for incest. (Arkansas obstetricians learn to live with surprises.)
Perhaps the answer to the illegal alien invasion is for George Soros to send the “greasers” a few billion bucks and let them turn Mexico into a national car wash.
Newly-elected President Nicolas Sarkozy is going to improve relations between the United States and France by putting English translations on French menus. Well, it’s a step.
If Congress is the paradigm, it is no wonder that Osama bin Laden accuses America of being a nation of cowards.
It seems apparent that Geico caricatured cavemen unmercifully in their commercials because they astutely realized there was no Neanderthal community to run to the ACLU and complain their image was being hurt by portraying them as evolved.
How many times do those contestants on American Idol have to prove to us that most singing is a “stage wait”?
Here’s another indication that the more things change the more they remain the same. What used to be called taking “the coward’s way out” has been replaced by the callous expression “Get over it.”
There’s a rumor that Jesse Jackson flunked out of a Jamaica School of Voo Doo Medicine. He passed goat sacrificing but flunked rattle shaking.
The fact that he hasn’t endorsed Hillary Clinton for President proves that Larry Flynt doesn’t know real obscenity when he sees it.
If Lenin were alive and came riding up Pennsylvania Avenue you can bet Dianne Feinstein would be rushing home to set out the good silverware. As for Barbara Boxer, after you address her as Frau Goebbels you’ve said it all.
Michael Moore looks like a happy face scrotum. Go over him with a rake and you can take him anywhere.
John McCain just keeps getting worse.
Are the Russians our new old enemy or our old new enemy? The Bush Administration is about as well-organized as shrapnel. Only Bush’s reputation for incompetence remains intact.
Now this:
GEORGE W. BUSH AND IRAQ – MISH MASH ACCOMPLISHED
George Bush has many ideas on how to win the war in Iraq. Fighting it is not one of them. What Bush calls compassion – soldiers call under-kill.
In Washington all compassion is bloated with self-righteousness and ill-gotten gains. Counting on his out-of-control compassion, Bush wanted to be loved and now he wallows in the contempt of his party and his countrymen. Consider the aspect of the Bush compassionate Army. It is benevolence run amok.
In order to implement his policy to win the hearts and minds of the people of Iraq, Bush has made war a non-contact sport. Political compassion has neutered our military and compromised its technological advantages. A necessary element in training to fight a Bush-style war is to condition recruits to hesitate under fire. (“You may fire when convenient, Gridley”.) As a result, our troops can’t make up their minds whether to shoot without aiming or aim without shooting. They don’t know whether the insurgents should be killed or coddled. Still. American troops fight on gallantly – when permitted.
Every since Bush ordered the Marines to “sit this one out” on the outskirts of Fallujah, the troops do not know whether to call themselves squads or squats, and platoons became the more politically correct designation as pantaloons” Our forces are expected to win the day with a bound-hand-and-foot infantry and a spiked-muzzle field artillery.
Bush’s Kill ‘em with Kindness - Meals on Wheels - Brigades are charged with making sure every insurgent gets a hot breakfast each morning. (This Breakfast Brigade has already received a Presidential citation called The Red Badge of Porridge, and has been awarded The Congressional Spoon of Honor.) Army bakers are called The Fighting Pastry Clerks who whip up the deserts for these free meals. Their slogan is “Leave no pie un-minced”. The Iraqis who have been the thankless recipients of this American largesse prove you don’t have to be hungry to eat.
The Marine Corps is not The Peace Corps or even The Truce Corps. The Bush “make nice” orientation has attempted to make a Division into a Diversion and a Regiment into an Impediment. Iraq is now a fairy tale war in which amiable combatants are expected to carry parasols instead of AK47s and wear seersucker flak jackets.
Military funding having been diverted to Congressional pork projects and Welfare, America will be patrolling the Persian Gulf with rusted Liberty ships salvaged from World War II. If we’re going to show Iran we mean business we might try putting flight decks on canoes. The USS Cole, attacked without reprisal, now flies a canvas tarpaulin instead of a flag. In our now fully co-ed Navy, sailors may not be able to pass each other in a ship’s narrow companionway without it resulting in an unintended pregnancy.
All this attests to the fact that our nation needs a warrior President and the name George Bush doesn’t come readily to mind. Hamstringing has been the Bush imprimatur on the military. If he had been President during World War II American soldiers would still be slogging their way up Omaha Beach.
Let the military level Teheran and Damascus with nukes and see how peaceful and quiet it gets in Baghdad.
***
“I find myself in grudging sympathy with Cindy Sheehan. “
EXACTLY! I said to hubby on Friday that not Cindy Sheehan, not Michael Moore, nobody hated George W. Bush more that I did!
The attic is a good place for this guy. Lock him in up there.
Bush has always been on the wrong side of illegal immigration. We’d have been at this same crossroads years ago had 9/11 not intervened and spoiled his and Vicente Fox’s grand plans for an amnesty.
“George Bush’s much-advertised “new tone” degenerated into the mucous that is Washington politics”
I don’t think so. He’s not pandering to his base by any means, and democrats are not giving him anything in return for his collaboration.
No,it isn’t politics. It’s replacing the bully pulpit with bloody bullshit, and it’s because he thinks he doing the right thing.
Good stuff.
Two of my 7th or 8th great uncles were killed defending Washington DC in the War of 1812. I've got a feeling if they were alive today, they'd be lighting the torches for the Brits.
“. Apparently Texas can breed whores as well as heifers. I find myself in grudging sympathy with Cindy Sheehan. I would not have considered that possible.”
If you agree with this statement of find yourself joining in some kind of Amen Chorus over it...not only do you NOT deserve to call yourself a Conservative or Republican...you come periously close to not even being deserving of calling yourself an American.
Norm, still the best.
It’s ok, we’ll all be calling ourselves Mexicans soon enough. Muchas gracias a nos Presidente Bush.
Quick...run back to the mountains and hide in your cabin.
*rolls eyes*
Hillarious yet sad at the same time.
Bush is from Connecticut. Elect Rudy Giuliani and you'll get more of the same.
While your rolling your eyes you might as well cover them up too, chant “lalala” and keep telling yourself that everything is fine and dandy in the world.
Yep!
Ahh...everyone seems a bit irritated.
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