Posted on 04/27/2007 6:05:40 PM PDT by dighton
[Found in a dumpster behind the Glass Bowl in Toledo, Ohio - the first draft of Dan Simpson’s gun control public policy masterpiece]
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LAST week’s tragedy at Virginia Tech in which a mentally disturbed person gunned down 32 of America’s finest - intelligent young people with futures ahead of them - once again puts the phenomenon of an armed society into focus for Americans.
Let’s do the math: (a) those two Virgina Tech guns killed an average of 16.5 people; (2) by conservative estimates, 240 million guns are wandering aimlessly around America’s mean streets; therefore (iii) when these crazy guns finally snap, they will kill (16.5 x 240 million) = 4 billion people -- wiping out not only Virginia Tech, but the entire ACC and NCAA Division I-A itself. In this post-gun apocalypse there won’t be enough survivors to bury the dead, let alone fill a decent bracket at the NCAA basketball tournament.
Obviously something must be done to stop this impending March Madness. But when people talk about doing something about guns in America, it often comes down to this: “How could America disarm even if it wanted to? There are so many guns out there.”
To this smart-alecky question, a sane person would retort, “what difference does it make what America wants to do?” But, because I have little or no power to influence the “if” part of the issue, I will stick with the “how,” and later I will move on to the “even.” And before anyone starts to hyperventilate and think I’m some wacky crazed liberal zealot wanting to pry his precious gun from his cold, dead hands, I would first like to share my experience of guns, before outlining my commonsense plan for taking your guns.
Do I smell a BARF ALERT, as I move on to the Continued... portion of the thread? It begins as though guns have legs arms and brains, imbued with an insatiable desire to go off when people are around. Time will tell as I move forward...
You need Iowahawk. We all need Iowahawk.
Allow me to introduce you to one of the modern right’s great satirists. wita, ‘Hawk. ‘Hawk, wita.
Instead of taking my gun away, take the crazy people away, away.
They used to put crazy people in asylums, in the old days. Now, we put crazy people Jerry Springer and the news when they do something stupid; and then cry they need to take my gun away. I am sic of these commie bastards.
Whoa, Dan Simpson actually wrote this:
“Now, how would one disarm the American population? First of all, federal or state laws would need to make it a crime punishable by a $1,000 fine and one year in prison per weapon to possess a firearm. The population would then be given three months to turn in their guns, without penalty.”
Gee, Dan, so what were you gonna do about all the criminals who are going to tell you to, um, reproduce with yourself?
I knew I smelled something!
Bump for Burge. This is not his usual but it’s very good.
Iowahawk is well known for laying on the sarcastic parody with a trowel.
Iowahawk is a good guy and he’s been a freeper forever, the same is true for the poster of this thread.
Gosh - Dan must be Homer’s idiot brother, if he thinks Americans would put up with that crap...
It sounds like a perfectly logical solution to global warming to me. /sarc
Aw, shucks! Now that you mention it, I don’t pull wings off flies nearly as much as in the past.
Come and get ‘em, Dan.
Let me know how it works for you.
Anyone who wants to give these three pingees hell, had better count on taking me on as well.
Grrrr.
What, me worry?
(Photo of Homer's dumb brother.)
As it happens, I don’t take any comments here personally, and don’t think Iowahawk would either, as satire usually doesn’t register with all.
>Dan must be Homer’s idiot brother, if he thinks Americans would put up with that crap...<
2nd amendment? What 2nd amendment?
Ahh yes, the dreaded sarchasm, the dread of any satiricist.
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