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Posted on 02/25/2007 5:52:25 PM PST by StarCMC
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FWIW - here's the rest of the list:
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Ten Commandments For the Car Collector
By Donald Peterson for the Feb. 1979 issue of Car Collector Magazine
1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.
2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.
4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.
7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.
8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.
10 Best Car Repair Tools
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in professional competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets and attack-helicopters use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).
4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user being maimed.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie you find under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all oil filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and you will just like Dad and your shop teacher said -- who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.
8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for NASCAR contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the Pinto, Gremlin, and Rambler set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See tip #1 above. * If it won't go - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway....
I don't know if a 1963 Studebaker Avanti qualifies as a muscle car or not, but I do know they had an amazing top end speed. If I'm not mistaken, an Avanti R2 held the top speed record for American production cars for quite some time. They're kinda rare.
You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
No, unless the hood was changed. All 6-barrel Roadrunners had the flat black, fiberglass, lift-off hood in '69.
Car Names Explained
AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works.
* Brutal Money Waster.
* Bimbette Motor Weapon.
* Break My Window.
BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.
DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.
*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.
*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.
FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
*Fix It All the Time.
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day.
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
*First On Rust and Deterioration.
*Fix Or Repair Daily.
*Found On Road, Dead.
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.
*Found On Russian Dump.
GM- General Maintenance.
* Great Mistake.
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.
* Got A Mechanic Coming?.
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.
PINTO - Put in new transmission often.
PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.
VW-Virtually Worthless.
City Driving Rules
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real city driver never uses them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork when driving in a no-fault insurance state. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Construction signs only tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last availabe exit, but before the traffic begins to back up.
The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They're only there to make your city look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Using an on/off ramp to pass is perfectly acceptable when when freeway traffic drops below 10 m.p.h.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in most metro areas.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster if he was in your spot.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.
Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Cities are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving thanks to state DOT's (Dept. of Transportation), which put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional for city drivers to honk their horns at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good insurance.
Heavy snows, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales. After all, we do have our priorities.
Remember that the goal of every city driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real female city drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Pedestrians caught in the cross-walk when the light changes are fair game. Besides, if you don't make eye contact with them, they aren't really there.
It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a city street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.
Being elderly and legally blind is no reason to stop driving.
Run over him with all the cars!!
Top 10 Indications You Have the Wrong Used Car Salesman.
10. When you complain that a car has too many miles, he asks you how many miles you'd like to see on it.
9. Has dog named "Pacer."
8. When you crank the car and fluid rocket over your left shoulder, he notes, "Oh, that's a standard feature on all of these newer models.
7. Uses the 'Slim Jim' strapped to his belt to open the cars for your inspection.
6. When you ask him where the restroom is, he says, "Tell 'ya what I'm gonna do ...."
5. Lunges behind a fern every time you mention "Mike Wallace."
4. His bumper sticker reads, "Honk If You've Ever Reamed A Guy For Eight C-notes On A '72 Dodge Dart."
3. Casts no shadow even in direct sunlight.
2. Ever uses the words "excellent" and "Hyundai" in the same sentence.
1. Tries to convince you that this car will get better mileage because it is heavier, and you will be able to "coast a lot."
Thanks for the information.
Lol, I never rode a Brahma but really like the Model A!
Lol, I'll let the guys do the repairs. I just ride in them.
GRRRRRRRRRRR......first my computer slowed to a crawl, then it took more than 20 minutes to shutdown. I finally got the thread I'm working on saved.
OK, rebooted, all seems well, smile on my face. d:o)
Hope you've had a good weekend. What kind of weather are you experiencing? *HUGS*
Algore contributes to global warming
Classified Car Ad Translator
Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.
Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.
Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
Convertible - After driving under truck.
Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.
Alarm - Wires are cut to sell stolen.
Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
Needs Paint - To cover rust.
New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
All Options - 8-track player.
Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.
Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
Must Sell - Need bail money.
Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.
New Tires - Retreads years ago.
Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.
Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
Fully Restored - Nothing original.
Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
Must Sell - Before it blows up.
Runs Fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
Needs Some Body Work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
Well Maintanied -I occasionally change the oil.
Looks Like New - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
Loaded With Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.
Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
Engine Quiet - Uses 90-weight oil
Parts Car - Beyond repair.
Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
Immaculate - Recently washed.
Concours - Recently waxed.
Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
Drive It Anywhere - I live on a hill.
Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new.
Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
Ran When Stored - Won't start.
Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
Solid As A Rock - Rusted solid
Restored With 0 Miles - Won't start.
Restored With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
No Time To Restore It - Can't obtain parts.
95% Complete - Other 5% doesn't exist.
Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what it means either.
Exellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
Low Miles - The odometer was turned back.
One Owner - Can't give it away.
Sure to Appreciate - That's why I'm selling it.
..Or Best Offer - I'm guessing here.
Faster Than A 'Vette - A Chevette.
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL FOR CLASSIC CAR COLLECTORS
Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"
Classified Car Ad Translator
Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.
Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.
Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
Convertible - After driving under truck.
Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.
Alarm - Wires are cut to sell stolen.
Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
Needs Paint - To cover rust.
New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
All Options - 8-track player.
Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.
Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
Must Sell - Need bail money.
Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.
New Tires - Retreads years ago.
Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.
Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
Fully Restored - Nothing original.
Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
Must Sell - Before it blows up.
Runs Fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
Needs Some Body Work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
Well Maintanied -I occasionally change the oil.
Looks Like New - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
Loaded With Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.
Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
Engine Quiet - Uses 90-weight oil
Parts Car - Beyond repair.
Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
Immaculate - Recently washed.
Concours - Recently waxed.
Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
Drive It Anywhere - I live on a hill.
Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new.
Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
Ran When Stored - Won't start.
Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
Solid As A Rock - Rusted solid
Restored With 0 Miles - Won't start.
Restored With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
No Time To Restore It - Can't obtain parts.
95% Complete - Other 5% doesn't exist.
Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what it means either.
Exellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
Low Miles - The odometer was turned back.
One Owner - Can't give it away.
Sure to Appreciate - That's why I'm selling it.
..Or Best Offer - I'm guessing here.
Faster Than A 'Vette - A Chevette.
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL FOR CLASSIC CAR COLLECTORS
Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"
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