Had I signed up to FR after coming to Japan, my nickname would have been crunkyboy.
Posted on 02/08/2007 6:02:58 PM PST by blam
Women shun 'the man who has it all'
By Roger Highfield, Science Editor
Last Updated: 1:23am GMT 09/02/2007
Some men are just too good to be true, according to a study published today by psychologists.
Men who are good-looking, single, and earn a fortune are not as attractive as good-looking men who have an average kind of job, according to the research.
Simon Chu of the University of Central Lancashire and colleagues studied how women weigh up male physical attractiveness and socio-economic status when considering a long-term relationship.
They collected data from 186 female university students in the UK, with an average age of 23, asking them to look at personal ads of various men and rank them in terms of attractiveness as a long-term partner. Each advertisement showed a "mug shot" and provided basic information about his age, occupation and what he is seeking in a partner.
Images of the men ranged from those who were previously measured to be highly attractive, attractive and unattractive. Eighteen different occupations were also randomly assigned, from architect and company director to waiter, postman and gardener.
Surprisingly, researchers found that highly attractive men of medium status scored better than highly attractive men of high status.
The team, whose work is published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, speculates that women perceive highly attractive men of increasing status to be less faithful and "too good to be true".
"Simple. They want to mold someone they can control."
I watched my sister chase after handsome wealthy men for 10 years.
She eventually learned that where there is one of these men...there are at least five? ten? women around him with the same goal in mind.
Even if the wealthy boyfriend seemed perfect for a little while, eventually he was "distracted" by a newcomer - there is always someone younger and prettier coming along.
She wound up marrying a handsome man with a middle class job.
And no....she doesn't "mold" him.
You have FReep Mail.
I never tried to present myself as anything other than who I was. My marketing message to women was "what you see today is what you'll see everyday". Perhaps that is a message that runs fundamentally against nature. I don't know. I really rejected the notion of putting ones best foot foreward as I didn't want to deceive her into thinking I was something I wasn't. While I love my wife and children, there were several others who I thought were my dream come true only to wake up to the sounds of sirens going by in the night.
Nothing ever worked out and I have little idea why. Women can speak of jerks but the number of times I was stood up on a date and the resulting pain I can't count. I tried to be kind, supportive, encouraging and trustworthy in every respect only to repeatedly suffer the anguish of having who I thought was "Mrs Right" fall for someone else who always put his best foot foreward and more times than not had loser tatooed across his forehead.
Interestingly enough, after falling for someone else, every one of them became uncomfortably warm and irritatingly friendly after they got married... and subsequently divorced. I actually stay in contact (somewhat resentfully) with most but am not sure why. They do nothing for me and it's me who has to help them. Perhaps in my mind, I wish i could get in a time capsule and go back.
There is no chance of me being unfaithfull to my wife but there were others in the past who I had far, far stronger feelings for. So, say I settled for my wife. Perhaps i did but it doesn't change the fact that my promise to her was until "death do us part". Of course, it takes two to tango and if they didn't want to dance, what was there to do? The call for last dance was years ago.
I'm sure some will try to psychoanalyze me and have at it.
Or wealthy, highly attractive men would be hard to "keep". Too much competition.
"There is no chance of me being unfaithfull to my wife but there were others in the past who I had far, far stronger feelings for. So, say I settled for my wife."
How sad.
I hope as time passes your memories of other women will fade away and you will come to appreciate your wife for the gift that she is.
She deserves better than to be considered 2nd (or 3rd) best.
1. Know thyself. And I mean *serious* soul searching.
2. Using *logic* and wisdom gleaned from past experience, make a list of qualities *required* for your ideal mate and a second list of qualities that are absolute no-no's.
3. Begin dating people you find attractive. After *every* date, check your list. If they have one quality on the "no" list or if you can tell they are missing a quality on the other side, *DUMP THEM IMMEDIATELY* and move on.
4. When you find a person who fits your list to a "T" you allow yourself to grow closer and to get to know them better. Sometimes it works out at this point, sometimes you get to add things to your "NO" list. Sometimes you find that you aren't the one *they're* looking for and you have to let them go.
As a woman, my heart is directly connected to my body. Both will short-circuit my brain.
I'd seen too many women caught in relationships with obviously bad men because they let their heart lead. I didn't know what to do to get a different result. (Hadn't seen an example of it done any other way.) Seeing this pattern over and over again, I decided to try the opposite tactic. I'm a human. I've got a big brain. What if I used that instead of my emotions? Heck, it was worth a try. I did it and it worked. The only time it doesn't work is when someone *thinks* they're using their brain and they're really deluding themselves into seeing what isn't there.
So where did love come into the picture? Well, when I saw that this great guy fit my list (and he was "into" me) I decided to trust him (and to trust the logical reasoning that led me to him). And I fell in love.
I've fallen in love with this man a thousand times. Every time he makes me laugh or I over-hear him talking on the phone, every time he grumbles about the lights being left on or lets me win an argument, every day of my life I fall in love with him all over again. (Heck, I'm in love with the way he laces his boots.) It's easy to love the right person.
I'm not talking of a hurried night
A frantic tumble then a shy goodbye
Creeping home before it gets too light
I think the key here is that they were evaluating for a *long-term* relationship. Any man who is good-looking, high status, and rich is much more likely to dump you when someone better comes along, than someone who is still quite acceptable but not both gorgeous and rich. It's been a long time since I was looking, but back in the day, it quickly became apparent that the combo of gorgeous + rich was not a good one. Men who were both were inevitably quite full of themselves.
You can't walk on him if he's too perfect. They need somebody with a few 'holes' in him so they can rip some more.
Had I signed up to FR after coming to Japan, my nickname would have been crunkyboy.
As with anything, there will always be something or someone better. Like interviewing job candidates, rarely to never do you come across the "perfect candidate". Instead, you collect resumes, filter them, bring in candidates for an interview and then extend an offer to the "best available".
Sometimes, a "best available" will come along who stands out from all the other "best availables". For some reason, they tend to get away. Perhaps my sincerity in communicating to them comes across as fake flattery. I'm not sure but there's something about me that I still don't fully understand.
OUCH!
Let's see: Owen Newt "crunkyboy" Kellogg...that's getting to be a mighty long handle ;)
Now, Owen, when you come stateside bring a Crunky bar with you. Perhaps we'll share it a`la the Snickers Super Bowl ad...with a twist...you being a crunkyboy and me being a krunkygirl, there won't be any of the "ick factor"!
Yum yum! chocolate almond, mmmmmm!
Oh, poo, I'm going to let Newt 'splain that to me himself.
I don't believe the media spin.
Yes, I think you detected a flaw in this study. The study should have asked single unattached females to choose which male they would select for a chance at a "real" date. They should have been informed that all these men were looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage. Then interested women could fill out a ticket for their choice. All choices for a particular man would be put in a drum and a winner selected at random. The winning ticket would get a "real" date with the man. You could then count up the tickets for each man and get a feel for what women want. JMHO.
I have no problem admitting you are wrong. :?
The 89 Taurus has 400 thousand on it. I put in a MP3 player and I have trouble keeping the speedometer from pegging out with the right music. It omly goes to 85 on the dial. Love that car.
"As with anything, there will always be something or someone better. Like interviewing job candidates, rarely to never do you come across the "perfect candidate". Instead, you collect resumes, filter them, bring in candidates for an interview and then extend an offer to the "best available"."
I appreciate your honesty, but again I have to think "how sad". The mindset that one would keep comparing one individual against others as if they are a commodity is foreign to me.
I too had "loves" previous to my husband.
At the time I thought they were "it" - and one them particularly broke my heart.
But looking back I can see that things happen for a reason, and when people are meant to be together, then they stay together.
When they drift apart - there is a darn good reason for it.
I don't compare my husband to them - every person is unique with their own God-given beauty and should be appreciated as such.
My exes wound up with partners better suited for them - and I wound up with the man best suited for me.
He is the best gift ever given to me and I hope I never take it for granted.
"Sometimes, a "best available" will come along who stands out from all the other "best availables". "
You do understand, don't you? That if you told your wife she was "best available" chances are she would be heartbroken?
Would you want to be considered "best available"?
Would you stand for it?
If I thought I was considered "best available" I would leave.
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