Posted on 01/15/2007 7:16:36 PM PST by Lorianne
Decadent stay-at-home wives who take their rich husbands for a ride have finally been rumbled, says Tara Winter Wilson
Once upon a time, there was a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man with a powerful job and a beautiful house must be in want of a wife – preferably of the trophy variety. Domesticated, docile yet dazzling, she was the perfect finishing touch.
Not any more. According to research to be published in the journal Labour Economics, the earnings gap between married couples is narrowing. While in the 1980s it was the case that the higher a professional man's salary the fewer paid hours his wife would put in, men today are more likely to want a dynamic high-flier, an equal who wows him as much in the boardroom as in the bedroom.
Poisonous: 'It is like a perversion of the evolution theory: they have evolved into creatures whose function is simply to get the most for doing the least,’ says one husband A victory for feminism? Sadly not. The reason for this change, sisters, is nothing to be proud of.
Rich men, I believe, have finally cottoned on to the sinister side of the stay-at-home wife: unless you marry an equal who's going to pay her own way, you will end up with a lazy, indulgent, over-pampered slug. For the transition from trophy wife to toxic wife is as fast as the end result is furious.
I should know: many men of my age and acquaintance have become deeply bitter and disappointed about how their wives have changed since they hung up their working wardrobes. I am talking about university-educated women (often Oxbridge graduates) who do a couple of years work in the City before harnessing themselves to a milch cow and "having it all".
Apparently there's a new take on "having it all" – and it's not what the majority of us understood it to mean. Back in the 1970s, it meant effortlessly maintaining a beautiful home, entertaining in grand style, raising perfect children, keeping the husband sweet and having some sort of career in order to create financial independence.
"Superwoman" was the phrase coined for these energetic pioneers; "trophy wives" for the less energetic ones. Today it's a whole new ball game.
"It is like a perversion of the evolution theory: they have evolved into creatures whose function is simply to get the most for doing the least," whispered an exhausted husband to me recently. "I wouldn't mind providing her with so much if she just did something for me occasionally. She's never even once cooked me a meal."
"She doesn't know the definition of sacrifice," said another angry husband. "Relationships are meant to be about compromise, but she is more about selfishness. I bend and adapt to her needs, yet all she gives me are ultimatums."
"Can't you just divorce?" I asked.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "I'd lose everything I've worked for, including my children, and I'd be paying her an indecent amount of money for life."
"There's another reason these husbands don't divorce," added a sympathetic onlooker. "They don't want to admit to failure – they don't want to be ungallant. There's an unspoken nobility or gentlemanly understanding that divorce is something they don't do."
Indeed, "something they don't do" is a mantra that extends to practically every area of toxic wifedom. Once an intelligent, educated woman who could hold her own in any dinner-party conversation, the toxic wife will do nothing of the sort.
"They not only become utterly vacant, they never throw dinner parties or entertain anyone outside of their small, closeted circle of other vacant wives," said irate husband number one.
"None of us can understand this: they become obsessed with perfection, grooming, with all aspects of their personal appearance… in a word, they become boring."
"Vain, boring, indulgent and lazy," adds yet another voice to the growing army of fed-up husbands. "I have to take the children out of the house every Sunday morning and wander around with them trying to find things to do because my wife must have a lie-in. I'm only allowed back in the house after 11am. Sunday is the nanny's day off, you see."
"My wife," chipped in husband number two, "gives over the whole of the weekend to pursuing what she calls 'me time'. She goes to retreats, yoga mini-breaks, a spa, a health farm, even art classes… all of which I pay for, of course. What do I get back in return? Nothing."
So today's concept of a wife "having it all", simply put, means never doing anything personally if she can pay someone else to do it for her. And if she can't find someone else, her husband must do it.
"To be frank," said another unfortunate husband, "I was conned. And I'm by no means the only one. There's a pattern of behaviour that these wives all adopt."
There are five tell-tale signs, apparently. First, she gives up work, ostensibly to care for the brood, only to have the children packed off to either boarding school or intensive (ie, lots of extra-curricular activities) private day schools.
Secondly, she suddenly wants to move somewhere more rural/suburban that suits her idea of family life, yet location-wise is horrendous for her exhausted, ever-commuting husband.
Thirdly, she demands wall-to-wall help, which nearly always includes an abused Filipina who works 12-14 hours a day, six days a week.
Fourthly, she refuses to fulfil in any way the traditional contract of the non-working spouse in terms of doing anything for her husband (such as cooking), while, fifthly, she expects her husband to fulfil the traditional but anachronistic male role in the household (such as paying all the bills).
Here is a typical day outlined by one husband of a toxic wife.
5.30am: Husband leaves for London. 7.45am: Filipina brings wife tea in bed. 8am: Nanny takes children to school. 8.30am: Breakfast, suduko and the papers. 9.30am-4pm: God knows; possibly gym, spa, shopping, boozy lunch with friends, nap or massage. 4pm: Nanny collects children from school. 5.30pm: Nanny gives children tea and goes home. 7pm: Filipina gives children bath. 7.30pm: Wife disappears off to book group. 9pm: Husband returns and roots around for an M&S ready-meal. 10.30pm: Wife returns. Bed. 10.35pm: Sex? In your dreams.
If the above timetable seems hideously parasitic, it is, and so is the woman behind it. The other day I nervously accepted an invitation for lunch with an old school friend. I felt daunted because, several years ago, she married a rich banker and I'd been dumped from her circle.
"Sorry I'm late," I said on arriving at her mansion. "Got stuck in traffic so bad it gave me road rage."
"Road rage?" replied Olivia, her eyes swivelling down to my shoes and up to my hair in a split, judgmental second. "Well, I'm suffering from maid rage. I mean, come and look…"
She led me into her kitchen, three times the size of my flat, and slid open a drawer. "How shoddy is that?" She was holding up a fork.
"What's wrong with it?" I asked, peering at it politely.
"Just look! It has a disgusting piece of encrusted mashed potato on it. I mean, it's so shoddy! She can't even unload a dishwasher. I'm really going to have to sack her. And guess what else I discovered this morning? When I opened the towel cupboard after my bath, I noticed that she'd stacked the pink towels amongst the white ones. Can you believe it?"
What made this conversation so scary was the fact that the terrified Filipina was in the room with us, hunched over a table slicing up bits of duck and foie gras for our lunch. "Juanita!" snapped Olivia. "This is your last chance. Do you understand me? You'll be back in Manila within the week… I couldn't possibly recommend you to anyone. Understand?"
"Yes Madam," she sniffed with a tremulous sob.
"And stop dripping your revolting bodily fluids over our lunch. Throw that away and start again. "
Horrified by her manner and the distressing scene, I asked her for a tour of her home. She had just moved into one of those massive houses in Chelsea Square. Rich folk tolerate people like me (ie, broke ones) only because we make them feel better about themselves.
"Would love to, darling," she drawled, "but first how about a drinkie-poo? Juanita! Open the champagne chilling in the wine fridge and bring it upstairs to the south drawing-room."
"Yes Madam," replied the poor slave.
"I won't have any, thanks," I said. "I'm driving and have to pick my children up from school."
"You mean you don't have a nanny to do it?" Olivia's eyes glared with horror. "I have the most delightful Norland one. Although the uniform is brown and ghastly, they are so well trained. She's downstairs in the basement doing my ironing at the moment…"
This was now utterly surreal. I had no idea that real people lived like this. Yet, minute by agonising minute, it got worse. I tried a bit of light humour.
"Well, let's hope she's not weeping tears on to your party dresses, eh?"
"What?" snapped Olivia.
"Well, then you'd ask her to redo the whole lot again, wouldn't you?"
"Possibly," she replied. "But a little moisture is no bad thing when ironing out the creases…"
Was she exhibiting a dry wit? I didn't know. In her pre-toxic wife days, she was amusing and droll. Now we were different beings living in parallel universes. She showed me lavish room after lavish room, and at one point I heard some strange shuffling coming from one of her closets. Maybe her life is not so perfect after all, I thought; maybe she has rats.
As we sat down to lunch in the "informal" dining-room adjacent to the kitchen in an open-plan L-shape, I noticed that Juanita was eating a rather more humble repast slightly around the corner; although I couldn't see all of her, I could detect an elbow jutting out from time to time.
"She won't be joining us then?"
"Are you mad?" cried Olivia. "Why would I want to even see my servants?"
As if on cue, a wizened little Filipino man appeared, bowing and scraping. "Madam, I have finished all the shoes. I will go now, thank you madam." He hurried out.
"See you on Thursday as normal, Pedro," she replied, barely glancing at him.
"Where did he spring from?" I asked. After all, I'd just endured an exhaustive survey of her house, and there had been no sign of Pedro.
"Oh, he's our shoe polisher. He comes twice a week. He works in a cupboard – probably why you didn't notice him." No rats after all.
Here was an educated woman who spent her days rotting her brain with alcohol, and bossing an army of staff.
"Olivia," I said, "don't you miss your old job, your financial independence? Isn't all this a bit decadent?"
"Forget the work ethic," she laughed. "Why on earth would I want to struggle, feel tired and look old before my time?"
I left, more agitated than when I arrived. Forget road rage; I was suffering from toxic-wife rage. Driving to collect my children, the outside world felt like a haven of normality and peace. How I pitied these rich and successful men who had naively hoped for a domestic goddess, only to end up with a diva.
Wake up, toxic wives, the game is over. Your milch cows have seen the light of day. You are toxic, you are trouble and you are about to become extinct.
Does unvarnished flirting count at all?
$)&**3.
Well, I didn't date anyone at all before I met my husband, and I was 22. I've heard good things about eHarmony but you know not to just turn your perceptive skills off just because a profile looked nice. Also, eHarmony doesn't accept everyone... my husband got rejected as unmatchable by their system. :-) Which I think is great.
Sounds to me like your parents and grandparents need to mind their own business. Go out and be with friends, and worry about a girlfriend later.
Now that makes sense! Not to mention, women are natural prey for the 'fountain of youth' people...
please don't leave. I merely was sharing personal info. So often when we read comments it is so hard to tell a lot of things from words stated.
(besides I like tennessee.. went to school there in the NE corner.. beautiful locale)
oh you are most welcome. I just added you.
We have several married participants. We are a thread of SINGLES & OUR FRIENDS. One of the thread posters last weekend was "Max" a great gal married to one of our military men. I call her our thread's "sunshine" & well, she is. Full of fun & positive comments & support for others.
Here is the link from last weekend
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/chat/1766770/posts
and a "master link of past threads"
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/search?s=singles&ok=Search&q=quick&m=any&o=time&SX=45ad346a155aa398db7e791b8dac280785fc95f9
The only regret I have in divorcing my ex is not doing it 8 years sooner.
Ditto,
When I told my 18 year old son I was leaving, he had two comments.
I am with you mom & WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT A LONG TIME AGO SO WE COULD HAVE BOTH BEEN HAPPY.
Talk about feeling like a failure
Jen, I also think it's pretty cool that your hubs was unmatchable. Um, not sure what that says for you, though! ;o)
James, you never told me your folks and grandfolks were hounding you! Sheesh! At any rate, it appears lately that you young 'uns from Gen. Next have it together better than anyone expected. I've no doubt that we'll see good things from you.
Thankyou, DC. Could you also add my friend, pax_et_bonum, who is so adorable that when she told me her hubs divorced her I asked if he's gay...
If you think this British story is more fiction than fact perhaps you live in a more rural area or don't see the various shades.
Even colleagues of mine here all complain about their wives who have them begging for sex not even a year after marriage and/or they complain about their surburban stay at home wives who gaggle together and take for granted their lives away from the workforce and don't think they need to do anything for their dawn to dusk working husbands.
And this is not the rich mind you. This is just the common suburbs where wives get together and talk about how sex, oral and otherwise is just not really necessary.
True story.
Just checked & she is already on the list
Well I admit I can't say much about what goes on in Britain....
Maybe british guys are just really bad at it? Lord knows I've dealt with my shares of shades over my lifetime in relationships.. but never had one where sex was off the table... Usually we were still having pleanty of that even after we had rationally concluded the relationship really wasn't what either of us were looking for.
I can relate.
I like to tell people, "I used to be married, but I'm feeling much better now!"
Because you figured it out for yourself and didn't buy into the women media hype of having it all....
Well you did it alright. You've had it all. Good for you!
lol
If you could bottle that farmy sample so the memory is produced immediately on sight of a vain self-loving female, you'd be more wealthy than big gates.
Being in NYC, I find them easy to spot. At all ages and levels, one dead giveaway is their ownership of a pair of shoes that cost more than:
a) her monthly rent
b) feeding a family of four in a third world country
c) any jewelry she's wearing
Even though she's not reached the level of the senior vapid set, she's aspiring and wondering if you are the one to help her get there. She also thinks it's romantic if you can cook her a wonderful meal. (Since she can't even make a hardboiled egg.) :)
It's a bloody mess I tell ya. Now foreign women, that's another matter. :)
Getting back to the basics of your original post and not understanding the concepts behind "alimony".
There are women who worked their whole lives putting hubby through school...taking care of the home and family...losing any competitive chance in the marketplace of developing themselves financially......just to be put out to pasture for a younger model when hubby becomes successful. I'm sure these laws were put in place to prevent the first spouse and children from being totally impoverished.
I find it interesting you referred to women who made more than the man...yet still received alimony. What state was this in? I don't know many women who make more than their male counterparts....if they're on the same level scholastically.
Agreed ... a little too "packaged." There are selfish, self-absorbed folks of both genders ... an awfully broad brush being used here.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.