Posted on 09/20/2006 1:17:16 PM PDT by groanup
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.
At KENTUCKY : it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama .
At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.
At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
PLANNING FOR THE FALL FOOTBALL SEASON
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!
Nothing else comes close to Alabama-Auburn or Alabama-Tennessee. The UM - OSU talk starts a couple of weeks before the game, the talk about Alabama vs Auburn/UT goes on the entire year.
Auburn's population is 38,000. They can get 87,400 into Jordan Hare. War Eagle!
Fear the thumb!
War Eagle!
"SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon."
I thought this one was over the top until I found out last night that Brooks and Dunn is playing on the parade grounds before the LSU game this week!
That was one of many things I miss about living in Northern Nevada. Both schools in the state serve alcohol at their games and there really is nothing that takes a person's mind off of a mediocre football team quite like some Sierra Nevada.
Wow. Alcohol at games? I thought that was a NCAA policy. I'm glad they didn't at Auburn because I would have gotten to the front of the line, bought my beer, and gotten back in line. I never would have seen a play...;-)
Q: Why does Clemson have astro turf on their football field?
A: To keep their cheerleaders from grazing at half-time.
Q: Why do Clemson students not get speeding tickets?
A: Tractors don't do over 35MPH.
You're probably an Auburn fan if ...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.
I have no more tears War Eagle...LSU Tiger.
Even where it runs through the Achafalaya ... er ... Atchifiliaya ... er ... Itchyfala ... er ... that swamp in Louisiana?
You ARE southern, aren't you.
Shalom.
Check a few posts down, I moved the line to I-20. ;^)
That is an awesome photo! LSU Tiger fan.
About Rocky Top:
Last month at a roast for Larry Munson in Atlanta, former UGA coach Jim Donnan spoke. (I will paraphrase as best I remember it).
A Georgia fan and a Tennessee fan are both facing capital punishment by firing squad and are asked if they have one last request. The UT fan said he'd like to hear Rocky Top one more time. The Georgia fan is asked what his request is, and he says, "Shoot me first."
Oh Rocky Top You'll Always Be
Second in the SEC!
I thought it was too, but I moved to Reno and was a little confused as to how the Nevada schools could get away with it. Oh, well, that's more beer for them!
Would you put me on your college football ping list please?
Sorry for the late reply, I was out of town.
I've added ya to the list.
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