Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
Before you condemn somebodies life try expanding your knowledge of their lives.
If you have ever left your comfortable meager existence you have for a minute, you may have more empathy.
If not drag your butt to where I am and inconvenience yourself for others.
Sere_Doc
Camp Victory, Baghdad Iraq
BTW change your handle, to something other than scripture, it confirms your being a hypocrite.
I agree. Her attitude is the problem.
Pray for the child.
I don't buy the letter. Not that there aren't unloved/unwanted kids out there, but this sounds like it's been written by an abortionist trying to drum up business.
I think that's good advice. Gives the woman a third-party for support, which she desperately needs since she's completely on her own - and ensures someone outside is looking after the child's interests. And the doctor probably will involve Childrens Services to check up on her, which will be another means of support and check. If her problem isn't hormonal and there doesn't seem to be resolution, then both the doctor and Childrens Services hopefully will be able to steer the couple toward adoption.
I like the references to "the girl" instead of "my daughter".
It is not right. My wife and I have raised three children. Two of whom are in college as I type.
These children will produce economic benefits for people who do not take the time, nor expend the cash to raise children.
The government does not help me and I have been granted no college scholarships. In fact I am working now instead of being retired because I have to pay for their college.
Sorry wolfstar, but you are DEAD WRONG in criticising here!!
What Abby describes (Post Partum Depression) is VERY real and affects a large number of women. Her advice - tell your doctor and get help (now) is right on. Afterwards, if the treatment for the Depression does not change the dispostion - the child can still be put up for adoption.
My wife suffered from this after the birth of our first child - she was in hospital for five months!
After her release, all was fine. At the time - the letter this woman wrote could very easily have been written by my wife (excepting the husband stuff....). Just the fact that this woman is reaching out for advice indicates that there is a lot of hope that this situation can be resolved.
Don't be so quick to condemn here - it is exactly this type of condemnation that has allowed this "condition" to go ignored for so long - all new mothers must be just like the ones we see in the Gerber Baby Food (or Pampers, etc...) commercials. The reality is far different.
</ end soapbox rant on pet subject - apologies to any offended>
Excerpt ..."Historically, the connection between childbirth and psychiatric illness has been well-recognized. In 460 BC, Hippocrates described "puerperal fever," theorizing that suppressed lochial discharge was transported to the brain, where it produced "agitation, delirium and attacks of mania."1 The 11th century writings of the gynecologist Trotula of Salerno speculated: "if the womb is too moist, the brain is filled with water, and the moisture running over to the eyes, compels them to involuntarily shed tears."2 Attempts to describe and classify postpartum mental illness became more systematic in the mid-19th century, when Esquirol wrote of the "mental alienation of those recently confined and of nursing women."2 Additionally, accounts of puerperal psychosis and depression are specifically delineated by Marce in his 18th century Treatise on Insanity in Pregnant and Lactating Women.2"
Sneaky way to take a shot at a soldier, AND motherhood.
I believe this letter to be a hoax but if not, then when she brings the baby for a checkup she could easily tell the doc about her feelings and get a referral.
"Tell her to wait a while, the kid will grow up and hate her back"
Yeah...just wait until those teen years if she thinks it's hard now!!
Seriously, this woman needs medical help NOW!!
Poor little baby...
I'll take the baby. When mom and dad figure out that this was the greatest thing to happen in their lives and want her back I'll give her back. I'll pay to have the baby sent to me and my wife and kids and she will be loved in this family while mom gets over whatever it is that has her in this mess.
Adoption is forever or when it's undone in a court action it is a horrible thing for the adoptive parents. We know the babies not ours but we are just taking care of her while mom recovers.
Have had about a dozen foster babies over the years they were all adopted in the end. We have however made the above offer to hundreds of women planning abortion and it stopped hundreds in their tracks. Funny how you realize what a blessing you have when the blessing is desired by another. Often just a day or a few hours a day without the baby and the stress of that care will allow mom some time and rest. Mom might see if a local church has a program to take babies for a short time and see if that helps. Mom likely needs somebody to talk to and that support goes a long way to help this woman adjust to being mom.
"Yes, she needs her mother, and she needs counseling and support. "
I have this feeling (if this is even true) that her mother didn't like her either!
You are spot on. It sounds like the mother is begging for help. She knows her feelings are wrong and she is scared she will hurt the baby. I hope she gets help soon.
See my post at #90 & #91
Good point. Give granma the kid, she did such a good job with the parent.
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