Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
I'm so sorry - it hurts so much to be rejected... but you are a blessing. You are the mother your mother could have been; you are the mother your children needed. Congratulations on your house filled with love!
I understand your emotions. I'm not void of them either. However, what you are considering an "angry rant" is in my opinion, a call for help. Those of us who loved our babies can't imagine someone not bonding with theirs. Does that make us perfect? No. We were just blessed. She's blessed too. She just doesn't know it yet. With counseling and help, and NOT a bunch of mean people bashing her, she just may end up being one of us....posting years from now...how her child was the best gift she had ever received.
I'm sorry, I always wanted children and loved them, so this is alien to me...
but perhaps there are family members who would take this child. There is always an "out". If there is no one to talk to within the family, then a talk with Family support at the military base is in order...
Professional help is needed here, and intervention. Immediately.
I was a save the marriage baby and have always been reminded of it. Yes they stayed together but it would have been better for my parents and my siblings had they not. I had my last baby at 41 after being told I was sterile from chemo. My friends all thought I should abort but I paid no attention to any of them. She is the joy of our lives and I dont mind being an older mom. I love children anyway and have four of my own and two adopted. I hope with all my heart this baby gets the love she so needs. Babies need love to thrive properly.
Sometimes the biggest blessings of our lives come at the darkest moments...
if only this woman could see that! If only she knew how much she is loved by this baby she so hates! Would it make the difference, if for but one moment, she could stop hating herself so much that she could accept the unconditional love of a little child?
Most people I have known who have given themselves over to hate never really believed in unconditional love; they never loved themselves, truly because they were never loved, truly. That kind of true self love - a love that recognizes true love in all it's forms - can only come when one realizes that we are worthy of life, worthy of love, and worthy to give love, completely...
it is a cry for God.
Ten bucks says this letter isn't even real. I think it's been pretty well established that "Ask Ann Landers" and "Dear Abby" have been publishing fake letters for years just for dramatic effect.
They don't want to look like the horrible spoiled brats they are in front of their extended kinfolk.
I agree, but I don't think her problems are quite that deep. She's overwhelmed, hormonal, and without female or male support. Things that most of us take for granted.
I am so sorry that you have had to hear such hurtful things from your mother. It breaks my heart to think of a mother telling her child that she was never wanted. Mommy's are supposed to kiss boo-boos and make everything all better, not inflict emotional owies.
Bless you for being such a loving mother, in spite of the example you grew up with. What a wonderful gift to have children. They are most certainly treasures. I cannot have any more, but I thank the Lord every day for the two he blessed me with. My husband talks about adopting, but that just isn't financially feasible for us now. I know adoption is so expensive.
About this mother who "hates" her baby girl, I pray that it is not too late. She talks about shaking her, and that action can happen so quickly with horrendous consequences. I hope that someone in her life sees how angry she is about this baby and offers to take that precious child in, at least until this woman gets her head on straight--counseling, whatever. I would take this baby girl in a heartbeat.
This woman needs help right away. I will pray for that baby, and for the mother. It is what I can do.
Going Crazy, Going Crazy, you have no complaint
You are what your are and you aint what you aint
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
--DEAR ABBY (John Prine)
I think since Abby died they make up some of these.
"She will grow up filled with rage at how she was treated as a child."
For some years I counseled young people with various problems. Two of the most difficult were people whose mother's had been severely depressed in pregnancy or right after the birth. In one case the mother's father had died right around the time of the birth. Neither of these mothers had eye bonded with their babies, and the grown children had a terrible time relating to other people. Just sitting close and staring caringly into their eyes would bring on torrents of tears of deprivation. I too pray for this unwanted baby.
As to the colic problem, my first child had severe colic for 8 months. At times I was so exhausted I felt suicidal. It didn't help that my husband was demanding and juvenile in his own needs. Many nights I would go into another room, lay the baby face down on my torso, and when he would start to fuss I would rock my body back and forth until the gas bubble in his stomach stopped bothering him. For months it was hard to get even 4 hours of sleep a day even though I would lie down and try to sleep when he went to sleep, but he had at least two crying jags between each feeding. One day I started feeding the baby yogurt, and in three days the gass that was causing the colic was gone, and so was the colic. He is now a big strong soldier with two children of his own.
Brooke Shields, is that you again?
For the mother of a newborn to write the following is a sign of someone who is mentally unstable and who is plausibly a danger to herself or others.
[I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion. I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.]
She needs medical help and her child needs to be in someone else's care, immediately.
Her Husband must come home and help
She need to see a shrink ASAP
We do not want anymore babies drowned in a bathtub.
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