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A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clue (Dave Barry)
Miami Herald ^ | May. 28, 2006 | Dave Barry

Posted on 05/28/2006 6:12:10 PM PDT by nuconvert

A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clue

Dave Barry

The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you're a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you'd have moved to some less risky place, such as Iraq. This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds.

Unfortunately, it appears we're in for another bad season. The National Center for Making Everybody Nervous About Hurricanes is predicting that this season there will be 10 major hurricanes, defined as ``hurricanes that cause Bryan Norcross to lose his voice.''

According to the center's computer simulations, at least four of those storms will hit the mainland United States, and at least one of those will come directly to your house and cause a tree branch, traveling at 150 mph, to impale you through your chest. (Bear in mind that these are only predictions. It could also be your skull.)

IMPORTANT TIPS

That's why it is so important that you be ready for hurricane season. Here are some tips to help you prepare:

TIP 1: TRY TO HAVE SOME KIND OF A CLUE.

Let me explain:

When a hurricane is approaching South Florida, we get a LOT of advance warning. Usually for the entire week leading up to its arrival, the newspaper prints large headlines that say HURRICANE COMING, along with many stories reminding people to stock up on water, gas and food. All the radio stations announce roughly every 25 seconds that a hurricane is coming and people will need water, gas and food. On TV, Bryan spends hour after hour pointing at the oncoming radar blob and rasping, in the voice of an ailing seal, about the need to stock up on water, gas and food.

So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I'll tell you! Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida -- lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of -- water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane winds just carry them here from Madagascar? Can they not function on their own for 24 hours without having to get into a line? How can they not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???

That's what I mean by ``have some kind of clue.''

TIP 2: BE PREPARED FOR POWER OUTAGES.

As you know, Florida Power & Light had some problems last hurricane season, when it was discovered that, because of an error in the engineering specifications, thousands of the company's power poles were in fact really tall breadsticks. FPL has been working hard on this problem, and a company spokesperson states that this year, if we are struck by another Wilma-level hurricane, FPL personnel will immediately implement an action plan designed to provide all customers, as quickly and as safely as possible, with realistic-sounding excuses as to why their power will not be restored for an indeterminate period of time.

EXPLANATION OF `OOPS!'

''Our goal is to have plausible excuses for 80 percent of our customers within three days,'' stated an FPL spokesperson. ``Of course it may take longer, especially if we have to bring in excuses from other power companies.''

So just in case, you might want to invest in a generator. These invaluable machines enable you, even when your power is out, to annoy the hell out of your neighbors. If you do get a generator, remember the basic rules of generator safety:

• Don't drink and generate.

• If you are a guy, and you get into a dispute with a neighbor guy over who has a bigger generator, do NOT attempt to settle the dispute by holding a ``spark-off.''

• Never bathe with a generator while it is running.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT

One final note: If we do lose power, the traffic signals will be out. That's why it's so important to remember:

TIP 3: KNOW THE CORRECT PROCEDURE FOR A FOUR-WAY STOP.

What do I mean by ''the correct procedure for a four-way stop?'' I mean: Get out of my way.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: barry; davebarry; florida; humor; hurricane; hurricaneseason; tips
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1 posted on 05/28/2006 6:12:16 PM PDT by nuconvert
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To: nuconvert

sweet


2 posted on 05/28/2006 6:20:13 PM PDT by satchmodog9 (Most people stand on the tracks and never even hear the train coming)
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To: nuconvert

I'm surprised that Dave Barry didn't question why these idiots have to buy NEW plywood every year?


3 posted on 05/28/2006 6:30:22 PM PDT by panaxanax
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To: OrthodoxPresbyterian

I'm not sure I value the opinion of someone who moves from Florida's Hurricane Channel to Oklahoma's Tornado Alley.

Then again, he might be a hero.

:>)


4 posted on 05/28/2006 6:36:20 PM PDT by xzins (Retired Army Chaplain and Proud of It. Supporting our Troops Means Praying for them to Win!)
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To: nuconvert

"This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds. "

BUAAAAAAHAHHAHA! Dave Barry ROCKS! So true...all of it. I hate the thought of having to deal with dumbed-down Floridians again this season. I'd rather fight killer sharks, killer gators and killer bird flu.


5 posted on 05/28/2006 6:42:11 PM PDT by goresalooza (Nurses Rock!)
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To: nuconvert
Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET

This is an excellent observation! I cannot understand how people get surprised by hurricanes. It just makes no sense at all to me. They get A WEEK OF NOTICE! Buy some buckets, open a spigot and go to town !

6 posted on 05/28/2006 6:46:47 PM PDT by Personal Responsibility (Amnesia is a train of thought.)
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To: xzins

or an idiot


7 posted on 05/28/2006 6:49:02 PM PDT by italianquaker (Democrats and media can't win elections at least they can win their phony polls.)
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To: nuconvert
Thanks for posting this. I work in the Emergency Management field and I'm going to print this out and pass it around to the rest of our Command Staff.

Regards,

L

8 posted on 05/28/2006 6:49:35 PM PDT by Lurker (Real conservatives oppose the Presidents amnesty proposal. Help make sure it dies in the House.)
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To: nuconvert
Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida -- lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of -- water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN?

A freakin MEN! I couldn't believe the whiners that bitched and moaned after Wilma. I wanted to slap them silly. Morons..

9 posted on 05/28/2006 6:53:57 PM PDT by Paradox (Removing all Doubt since 1998!)
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To: Personal Responsibility

Also, Ebay will occassionally have collapasable water bottles up for auction. Buy a dozen or more and keep them on hand to fill from the faucet.

I live in northern Alabama and though its extremely rare for us to get a winter storm, nonetheless every Fall I stock up on canned soups, buy a case of bottled water, keep an extra loaf of bread in the freezer, oil for my hurricane lamps, batteries for my portable TV's and extra dog and cat food. Its called being prepared!


10 posted on 05/28/2006 6:57:16 PM PDT by proudofthesouth (Mao said that power comes at the point of a rifle; I say FREEDOM does.)
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To: nuconvert
• If you are a guy, and you get into a dispute with a neighbor guy over who has a bigger generator, do NOT attempt to settle the dispute by holding a ``spark-off.''

ROTFLMAO!!!
11 posted on 05/28/2006 7:04:47 PM PDT by RandallFlagg (Roll your own cigarettes! You'll save $$$ and smoke less!(Magnetic bumper stickers-click my name)
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To: nuconvert

It looks like I didn't have a clue, either--I didn't realize that Barry was back! Certainly glad to see it!


12 posted on 05/28/2006 7:08:37 PM PDT by basil (Exercise your Second Amendment--buy another gun today!)
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To: Lurker

You're welcome. Hope they enjoy it. ;~ )


13 posted on 05/28/2006 7:09:03 PM PDT by nuconvert ([there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: basil

Don't get too excited. He's not really back. (as in writing every week)
This was just a special column he wrote.
Sorry. I wish he was really back, too.


14 posted on 05/28/2006 7:11:07 PM PDT by nuconvert ([there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: nnn0jeh; TR Jeffersonian

ping


15 posted on 05/28/2006 7:11:34 PM PDT by kalee (Send your senators the dictionary definition of "amnesty")
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To: panaxanax
I'm surprised that Dave Barry didn't question why these idiots have to buy NEW plywood every year?

You took the words right out of my mouth. I never understood that.

I live in an apartment, in Seattle. Other than an earthquake and maybe some volcanic ash, not much happens up here. However, I have water, emergency radio & lights, food, a bug out bag packed and ready, and a first aid kit. If I lived in a house in a part of the country where there were hurricanes every friggin' year, I'd have a generator, a powersaw, and plywood. What's with these people? Do you have to be a survivalist to realize you may need to take care of yourself and your family on your own for awhile?

16 posted on 05/28/2006 7:17:22 PM PDT by radiohead (Hey Kerry, I'm still here; still hating your lying, stinking guts, you coward.)
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To: proudofthesouth

That's mighty pricey when well washed plastic milk bottles will do the same thing.


17 posted on 05/28/2006 7:19:23 PM PDT by HiTech RedNeck
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To: nuconvert

Good post!


18 posted on 05/28/2006 8:14:42 PM PDT by The_Media_never_lie
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To: Lurker

Doesn't it always just stun you when people get angry at emergency management for not getting set up fast enough to distribute water, ice, housing vouchers, new cars after a hurricane. There is ample warning. Not to mention the most commonly needed items are for sale in stores throughout the whole year. Yep you can buy those flash lights, coleman lanterns, grills, generators out in the open whenever you want.

Many people assume that they will always be taken care of by the government or private charity within a couple of days after a storm. But may not always be the case. Being prepared means just that it does not mean being prepared to get in line the minute the skies clear.

I used to go to the Governor's Hurricane Conference every year. Maybe I once waved hi at you.


19 posted on 05/28/2006 8:24:14 PM PDT by lastchance (Hug your babies.)
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To: nuconvert
How can they not even have WATER

Something that I don't understand...don't these people have water heaters? At any point in time I have 40 gallons of fresh water in my basement.

20 posted on 05/28/2006 8:42:40 PM PDT by Dosa26
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