Posted on 05/28/2006 6:12:10 PM PDT by nuconvert
A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clue
Dave Barry
The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you're a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you'd have moved to some less risky place, such as Iraq. This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds.
Unfortunately, it appears we're in for another bad season. The National Center for Making Everybody Nervous About Hurricanes is predicting that this season there will be 10 major hurricanes, defined as ``hurricanes that cause Bryan Norcross to lose his voice.''
According to the center's computer simulations, at least four of those storms will hit the mainland United States, and at least one of those will come directly to your house and cause a tree branch, traveling at 150 mph, to impale you through your chest. (Bear in mind that these are only predictions. It could also be your skull.)
IMPORTANT TIPS
That's why it is so important that you be ready for hurricane season. Here are some tips to help you prepare:
TIP 1: TRY TO HAVE SOME KIND OF A CLUE.
Let me explain:
When a hurricane is approaching South Florida, we get a LOT of advance warning. Usually for the entire week leading up to its arrival, the newspaper prints large headlines that say HURRICANE COMING, along with many stories reminding people to stock up on water, gas and food. All the radio stations announce roughly every 25 seconds that a hurricane is coming and people will need water, gas and food. On TV, Bryan spends hour after hour pointing at the oncoming radar blob and rasping, in the voice of an ailing seal, about the need to stock up on water, gas and food.
So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I'll tell you! Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida -- lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of -- water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane winds just carry them here from Madagascar? Can they not function on their own for 24 hours without having to get into a line? How can they not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???
That's what I mean by ``have some kind of clue.''
TIP 2: BE PREPARED FOR POWER OUTAGES.
As you know, Florida Power & Light had some problems last hurricane season, when it was discovered that, because of an error in the engineering specifications, thousands of the company's power poles were in fact really tall breadsticks. FPL has been working hard on this problem, and a company spokesperson states that this year, if we are struck by another Wilma-level hurricane, FPL personnel will immediately implement an action plan designed to provide all customers, as quickly and as safely as possible, with realistic-sounding excuses as to why their power will not be restored for an indeterminate period of time.
EXPLANATION OF `OOPS!'
''Our goal is to have plausible excuses for 80 percent of our customers within three days,'' stated an FPL spokesperson. ``Of course it may take longer, especially if we have to bring in excuses from other power companies.''
So just in case, you might want to invest in a generator. These invaluable machines enable you, even when your power is out, to annoy the hell out of your neighbors. If you do get a generator, remember the basic rules of generator safety:
• Don't drink and generate.
• If you are a guy, and you get into a dispute with a neighbor guy over who has a bigger generator, do NOT attempt to settle the dispute by holding a ``spark-off.''
• Never bathe with a generator while it is running.
MOVE IT OR LOSE IT
One final note: If we do lose power, the traffic signals will be out. That's why it's so important to remember:
TIP 3: KNOW THE CORRECT PROCEDURE FOR A FOUR-WAY STOP.
What do I mean by ''the correct procedure for a four-way stop?'' I mean: Get out of my way.
sweet
I'm surprised that Dave Barry didn't question why these idiots have to buy NEW plywood every year?
I'm not sure I value the opinion of someone who moves from Florida's Hurricane Channel to Oklahoma's Tornado Alley.
Then again, he might be a hero.
:>)
"This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds. "
BUAAAAAAHAHHAHA! Dave Barry ROCKS! So true...all of it. I hate the thought of having to deal with dumbed-down Floridians again this season. I'd rather fight killer sharks, killer gators and killer bird flu.
This is an excellent observation! I cannot understand how people get surprised by hurricanes. It just makes no sense at all to me. They get A WEEK OF NOTICE! Buy some buckets, open a spigot and go to town !
or an idiot
Regards,
L
A freakin MEN! I couldn't believe the whiners that bitched and moaned after Wilma. I wanted to slap them silly. Morons..
Also, Ebay will occassionally have collapasable water bottles up for auction. Buy a dozen or more and keep them on hand to fill from the faucet.
I live in northern Alabama and though its extremely rare for us to get a winter storm, nonetheless every Fall I stock up on canned soups, buy a case of bottled water, keep an extra loaf of bread in the freezer, oil for my hurricane lamps, batteries for my portable TV's and extra dog and cat food. Its called being prepared!
It looks like I didn't have a clue, either--I didn't realize that Barry was back! Certainly glad to see it!
You're welcome. Hope they enjoy it. ;~ )
Don't get too excited. He's not really back. (as in writing every week)
This was just a special column he wrote.
Sorry. I wish he was really back, too.
ping
You took the words right out of my mouth. I never understood that.
I live in an apartment, in Seattle. Other than an earthquake and maybe some volcanic ash, not much happens up here. However, I have water, emergency radio & lights, food, a bug out bag packed and ready, and a first aid kit. If I lived in a house in a part of the country where there were hurricanes every friggin' year, I'd have a generator, a powersaw, and plywood. What's with these people? Do you have to be a survivalist to realize you may need to take care of yourself and your family on your own for awhile?
That's mighty pricey when well washed plastic milk bottles will do the same thing.
Good post!
Doesn't it always just stun you when people get angry at emergency management for not getting set up fast enough to distribute water, ice, housing vouchers, new cars after a hurricane. There is ample warning. Not to mention the most commonly needed items are for sale in stores throughout the whole year. Yep you can buy those flash lights, coleman lanterns, grills, generators out in the open whenever you want.
Many people assume that they will always be taken care of by the government or private charity within a couple of days after a storm. But may not always be the case. Being prepared means just that it does not mean being prepared to get in line the minute the skies clear.
I used to go to the Governor's Hurricane Conference every year. Maybe I once waved hi at you.
Something that I don't understand...don't these people have water heaters? At any point in time I have 40 gallons of fresh water in my basement.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.