Learning to love science (Dave Barry)

Miami Herald ^ | Dave Barry

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Learning to love science

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 7, 1996.)

You don't realize it, but you are constantly enjoying the benefits of science.

For example, when you turn on the radio, you take it for granted that music will come out. But do you ever stop to think that this miracle would not be possible without the work of scientists?

That's right: There are tiny scientists inside that radio, playing instruments!

A similar principle is used in automatic bank-teller machines, which is why they frequently say, ''Sorry, out of service.'' They're too embarrassed to say, ``Sorry, tiny scientist going to the bathroom.''

Yes, science plays a vital role in your life, but when it comes to scientific knowledge, there's an excellent chance that you're a moron. I base this statement on a recent survey, conducted by the National Science Foundation. It showed that the average American does not understand basic scientific principles.

Naturally, the news media reported this finding as though it were shocking, which is silly.

This is, after all, a nation that has produced tournament bass fishing and the Home Shopping Channel. We should be shocked that the average American still knows how to walk erect.

But the point is that we have a scientific illiteracy problem in this nation, and you could be a part of it.

To find out, see if you can answer these three actual questions from the National Science Foundation survey:

1. True or False: The earliest human beings lived at the same time as the dinosaurs.

2. Which travels faster, light or sound?

3. Explain, in your own words: What is DNA?

All finished? Now, let's look at the correct answers:

1. FALSE. The truth is that the dinosaurs had been dead for over a week before the first human came along, probably in the form of Bob Dole. Yet most Americans firmly believe that humans and dinosaurs once co-existed. This misconception arose from the many absurdly inaccurate fictional depictions of caveman life, such as the TV cartoon show ''The Flintstones,'' in which the Flintstones own a pet dinosaur named Dino.

But paleontologists, who can determine the age of fossils with a high degree of accuracy using a technique called ''carbon dating,'' have known for many years that ''Dino'' is actually another character wearing a costume. ''We think it's Barney,'' the paleontologists announced recently, ``but we can't say for sure until we get another government grant.''

2. To answer the light-vs.-sound question, consider what you observe when a thunderstorm is approaching and a bolt of lightning strikes. First, you see the lightning bolt, then you hear thunder, then you hear a scream if the lightning bolt has struck a person, then you hear a loud cheer from bystanders if the person was George Steinbrenner.

This tells us that light travels faster than sound, because light goes straight down from the sky and is therefore attracted by gravity, whereas sound goes sideways and is slowed down by friction with the Earth's rotation, also known as ''peristalsis,'' or ``The Greenhouse Effect.''

3. ''DNA'' is an abbreviation for ''deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism,'' a complex string of syllables that is found inside your body in tiny little genes called ``chromosomes.''

Biologists often refer to DNA as ''The Body's Secret Handshake,'' because the information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. There is surprisingly little difference between the DNA found in humans and that found in other species, such as H. Ross Perot.

This fact has led to research that could benefit mankind, most notably a series of experiments in which biologists chemically altered the DNA in fruit flies in an effort to isolate the gene that causes baldness.

The biologists reasoned that fruit flies must contain this gene, because virtually all of them (the fruit flies) (also the biologists) are bald.

This work took nine years and cost $31 million, but the results were impressive. When a group of fruit flies with normal DNA were compared with a group with altered DNA, both groups were found to consist of little random black smears, because the only way the biologists could get them to hold still was to whack them with rolled-up copies of Scientific American. Nevertheless, the biologists believe they're on the right track.

So those are your correct answers.

If you did poorly, you're not alone; the National Science Foundation reports that only 25 percent of the people surveyed, or 1 in 6, passed the quiz. And if you think that's a pathetic commentary on our national intelligence, you should see all the mail I'm going to get in which people will send me this column with the words ''25 percent'' and ''1 in 6'' circled and a snotty note informing me that this is incorrect.

So there's no question about it: Scientific illiteracy is definitely a major problem in America. And as the saying goes: ''If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist.'' So I feel I've done my part. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shake the radio.

[mtbopfuyn]

Hey, I thought you told us you rode a dinosaur to school, through the snow and up hill both ways.

[RadioAstronomer]

Funny stuff. And also sad stuff that people could not answer questions most of our generation knew in grade school. However, he oops here:

"But paleontologists, who can determine the age of fossils with a high degree of accuracy using a technique called ''carbon dating,''

Dinosaur fossils are too old for carbon dating. Other forms of dating (just as valid) are used.

[nuconvert]

That was his grandfather

[wvobiwan]

Gotta borrow some of Dave's comment for my new tag line...

[digger48]

But paleontologists, who can determine the age of fossils with a high degree of accuracy using a technique called ''carbon dating,'

About the only hope Helen has for a date

[lilylangtree]

Someone didn't tell Alley Oop that he wasn't to live with the dinos.

[E Rocc]

We should be shocked that the average American still knows how to walk erect.

Insert bad Sinky or Beavis and Butthead reference here. >:)

-Eric

[Irish Rose]

And as the saying goes: ''If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist.''

And isn't it the truth.

[ChadGore]

And as the saying goes: ''If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist.''

*Applause*

[Doctor Stochastic]

However, Dave Berry probably knows the exact date that the Germand bombed Pearl Harbor.

[MHGinTN]

I thought this was a particularly crappy answer: This tells us that light travels faster than sound, because light goes straight down from the sky and is therefore attracted by gravity, whereas sound goes sideways and is slowed down by friction with the Earth's rotation, also known as ''peristalsis,'' or ``The Greenhouse Effect.''

[RadioAstronomer]

I think that had to be a joke. Hopefully the carbon dating was one as well.

[RadioAstronomer]

hehe :-)

[MHGinTN]

I could tell he just dumped that one on us when I saw 'peristalsis' ...

[Erasmus]

I think that was merely lifted from Sheila Jackson Lee's science lecture notes.

[Extremely Extreme Extremist]

''We think it's Barney,'' the paleontologists announced recently, ``but we can't say for sure until we get another government grant.''

ROFL - Barry is a national icon.

[MHGinTN]

Good point! All though, I thought the National Science Foundation stopped her from sharing her discoveries with foreign governments ... this would be a blatant violation of the second claw of hermo dynamics.

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pong