"...And your Congressors cut funding for the nuclear bombs which permit the busting of the bunker. Na na na! I do a taunting dance and cock my hips mockingly! [...Now, go away you or I shall taunt some more!]"
Posted on 05/13/2006 10:59:03 PM PDT by neverdem
NEWHOUSE NEWS SERVICE
News story: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sent an 18-page letter to President Bush. No word on whether it was handwritten in tiny type, margin to margin, and wrapped in tinfoil. Herewith are some excerpts:
Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey despoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) shah-licking son of a toad's offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope should you wish to reply.
(429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal System excised)
. . . Do you not realize you are beaten, as a donkey is beaten but knoweth not his donkeyhood is cursed? Your comics have turned against you in your own lair, and mock you without mercy. We have seen the videos of the Meal of the Correspondents, and we know how your left regards the men of the laugh as prophets and seers. It is only a matter of time before Johnny Carson (applause be upon him) returns from occlusion to request that you, Mr. President, take the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, and cut off your Slauson, hi-yo, salaam. And a third part of the Slauson shall be stained with the tears of the womenfolk, and (9,323 words excised)
. . . Our people glow with pride over our nuclear efforts, sometimes literally. I repeat that the enrichment is for peaceful purposes only, and we seek only peace, and peace is our goal, and there is nothing we love more than peace. Except death. Sorry; forgot. Death is definitely number one. In third place of things we love, well, there were those nice ice-cream desserts they had at this little place in Tehran. When I was mayor I had them brought in on Fridays. Good times, good times. But once I found a hair.
(2,356 words excised concerning Jewish penetration of the Iranian Dessert-Industrial complex)
. . . Na na na nah, nah, everything's underground! And your Congressors cut funding for the nuclear bombs which permit the busting of the bunker. Na na na! I do a taunting dance and cock my hips mockingly! In sudden seriousness, please thank them for this, although we lost a day's work in the labs due to the celebration. I even permitted the drinking of whiskey, and decreed that the suppliers of alcohol be only lightly killed. (549 repetitions of "na na na na" excised)
. . . and if you had the problem I have with razors you would know why my beard seems so tentative at times; if I may speak with you man to anointed hastener of the Apocalypse, how do you get such a smooth shave? A hot towel? Perhaps the Five-Blade Razor of which we have heard muttered rumors? Personally, I use an exfoliating agent which (8,343 words excised).
. . . and Jack Bauer will not be able to save you this time, my friend. If there is an attack on our country we will double our aid to the Iraqi patriots, double our funding to Hezbollah and its female auxiliary wing Sisboombah, and double our attempts to get weapons both chemical and biological into your country.
Ah — er, reduce everything I said in the previous paragraph by half. We will START doing those things.
. . . Seriously, when I came to the U.N. and you didn't even send a fruit basket, it hurt. Did you not see how well I was received? Did you not see the light of God that surrounded me when I spoke, how no one blinked as I related our message, how doves came out of my mouth and the pants of all were filled with flowers? And you seek to confound my work to bring back the Messiah and bring the world once more into the arms of Islam? Including all penguins?
What are you, nuts?
Sincerely and Death to America,
Mahmoud, descendant of Xerxes, 34th degree Mason, personal valet of the hidden Imam, and not just a member of the Hair Club for Men — I'm also the president!
newhouse@lileks.com.
ROTFLOL (568 repetitions of acronyms for laughing removed)
Ditto.
I heard Steyn and Hewitt talking about this piece on Thursday. Thanks for posting.
ping
ROFL
I'd like to have read the text before all the words were excised.
Nukes or not, this guy thinks himself a "player"...Not!!
Does patting yourself on your back for your smarts in public hurt more or less than when you do it alone? ;)
Try Ernest Bramah, The Wallet of Kai Lung as well.
Or C.S. Lewis' Narnia story The Horse and His Boy -- some of the Calormene speeches are pretty representative of the type.
Cheers!
Ambrose Bierce and Sir Richard Burton could hardly have been more dissimilar and their writings were not only in completely distant genres, but would, I imagine, draw from quite different types of the reading public.
Would you now care to rethink your taking umbrage with my post and consider the possibility that you jumped to a most peculiar conclusion, based on something which I did NOT write, nor imply, at all?
And FYI...in case you don't know who Burton was, he was an acclaimed British SPY, who is, as far as I know, the ONLY Christian to have made the hajj and lived to tell the tale. He also is the man who translated and made the West aware of/popularized 1,001 tales...which includes the story of Sindbad the sailor. His translations were expurgated ( Victorian sensibilities; dont'cha know. LOL ) and after his death, his wife burned ALL of his original papers. That's the short version; his life and writings are truly fascinating and few people know who he was, today.
Bierce's work became re-popularized, after laying dormant for many decades, when the TWILIGHT ZONE used "AN OCCURANCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE" for one of the shows of its last season.
Wow, chill out. As someone who knows who both men were and enjoy The Devil's Dictionary AND the explorer (not the actor, though he had his moments), I would like YOU to rethink taking a gentle poke in the ribs and consider the possibility that the rest of us aren't so uneducated as you might think. (BTW, the Twilight Zone ep, which I saw on a retreat at catholic school, was not filmed for the TV show; it's the only episode of that show that was simply purchased and run on the show; it was a short film made in France, I think, though I would need to check that to verify.)
As another great, acerbic satirist once said, Lighten up.
If you took a poll of all 28,000 or so members of FR, I dare say, that without looking them up, perhaps ten others here would know about both men. It isn't a usual combination; nor all that normal for people to have read both authors. And it very much looks, now, as though it is YOU, who are "patting yourself on the back".
Yes, AN OCCURANCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE was a French short subject, which had won an award at the Cannes Film Festival. According to "THE TWILIGHT ZONE COMPANION", it was shortened a bit and an introduction by Rod Serling was added. The rights to the film cost $10,000 and it was only shown twice and never part of any syndication package. It was the last show of the TWILIGHT ZONE; the series was canceled for the following season.
The next time you want to be petty and "poke someone in the ribs"...find someone else to do it to!
As it happens, I own the hard copy ( the book ) and have read it; as well as his bio.
God, what a baby. Even when someone is kidding around you have to go all drama queen.
About all your hysteria and lack of humor shows is that A. You're too infatuated with yourself to bother talking with (and it makes me suspect your knowledge of Bierce) and B. You know how to search Twilight Zone Owl Creek Bridge on Google. ;)
Bye.
"Drama Queen"? Why yes, I guess that that is exactly what you are. Just look at how many times you CCPed what I wrote only once! How nice that your projection complex is so blatant, so everyone can't miss it. LOL
Oh yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, insulting someone else, out of the blue, for no valid reason whatsoever, is harmless "kidding around". /sarcasm
Well, there you go again....................hysteria, thine nic is Darkwolf377!
I have a rather good sense of humor, am not in the least "infatuated" with myself, and never ever GOOGLE. Call me old fashioned, if you will, but I either know the the things I post about, right off the top of my head, or I go grab one of my books ( which is what I did, when you said that TOAOCB was a French film ) and look whatever it is up. As a matter of fact, I even gave you the title of the book I used, when I posted that you were right about it being French and added a few salient bits about it, from the book.
Would you like the page numbers? It's 426-427. ;^)
I first read Bierce when I was in my teens; which was a rather long time ago. I enjoyed his work so much, that I later bought a collection of his work, in hard copy, and reread all of it again.
But it's clear that that mote you imagine to be in my eye, isn't there at all; however, you've got a forest full if trees in your own eyes!
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