Seattle's single moms find strength in one another ( Liberals in a Blue State )

Seattle Post-Intelligencer ^ | May 13, 2006 | PAUL NYHAN

[george76]

Randi Anderson knew she was on her own the day her son was born 22 months ago when she drove herself to the hospital.

Long before Anderson pulled up to Swedish Medical Center, her film-school boyfriend was gone.

Twenty hours after she arrived at the hospital, she joined the growing ranks of single mothers.

It is a group that often feels isolated, suffers higher-than-normal rates of depression and believes it carries a stigma in a culture that celebrates marriage.

"I certainly feel like it's written across my face," Anderson, 34, said.

"We've been told it's not OK to be a single mom."

Mother's Day is increasingly celebrated without fathers in this country.

In 2004, 36 percent of all births were to unmarried women, the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports, even as the teenage pregnancy rate fell...

Anderson's decision created obstacles many couples don't face -- two fewer hands to change diapers, feed the baby and give baths -- she used her experiences to create a new resource for Seattle's single mothers.

Sunday, Anderson will celebrate Mother's Day with other single moms at a potluck brunch, marking the six-month anniversary of the support group, Single2Mother, an online community that she founded.

The group represents one of a few private efforts to help single mothers, whose numbers jumped from 3 million in 1970 to 10 million in 2000.

[motormouth]

No one is trying to convince you that raising a child being a single parent is ideal... its not, but it is reality.
My point, is that people make mistakes... its called human nature. Does having a child without being married make someone evil? Im not talking about the leeches that have 5 and 6 children by different fathers that then turn around and live off the system... Im talking about a woman that gets pregnant and is left with the sole responsibility of raising that child to the best of her ability.
Is what she did a sin... yes. Does it make her a slut or a whore? Maybe, but there is NO ONE on God's green earth that could or should be making that judgement.
Oh, and I guess I can safely assume that all on this thread were virgins when they got married and dont engage in sexual intercourse if they arent married.

MM

[motormouth]

There is nothing more precious than a life, I believe that with all my heart.... which is why if there is a choice between being a single mom, or having an abortion, Im glad that there are women out there that would rather be called a slut over a murderer.

[derllak]

I can honestly tell you I was a virgin when I married. I was terrified of pregnancy and being single. I knew raising a baby alone would be hard....no, impossible for me. That made it easy to say no. My common sense kept me out of trouble. I just assume that common sense is innate in all of us. And the thing is, I'm not ultra smart. But I do know bad behavior has consequences. I know we don't live in a perfect world. All I wish is that people would really think hard before they act, especially when a baby may be the result. A baby deserves the best shot at life it can get. I, like you though, am happy when a mom chooses baby over abortion. And I know they need all the support they can get. I salute those that make that choice! And if you happen to be a mom - Happy Momma's day! :)

[motormouth]

I am a mom, and Thank you. :o)

[Chanticleer]

Nope, you agree with me 100%! :-) That's why I used the full quote. I don't defend any "lifestyle" or foolish, sinful or selfish choices people make. I do believe we are called to holiness.

However, I am offended when people with holier-than-thou attitudes assign hateful names to others or when people readily point out the sin of the woman while ignoring the sin of the man. Neither is fair or Christian. A woman whose sexual sins end in pregnancy is an easy target -- but what if all our sins were as obvious? What if we had to wear our sins on a plaque around our necks... what would they read? Glutton ... Liar ... Drunk ... Greedy? I know my own sin well enough to know that I shouldn't be casting stones.

[Randi]

Thank-you.
Interesting talk going on here. It seems that many of you missed the point of the article or the program. No one is whining here. Yes, my son's father should have the same responsibilities as I, but he chose not. The point of the Single 2 Mother is to bring single mothers together to empower one another to succeed in positive parenting, personal success, and life balance. We explicitly state that this is not a counseling group or man bashing group-- we are not victims. We network and share resources. We focus on where we are going, not where we have been. Our children are front and center and raising successful children is what drives us. How can you possibly argue with that? It seems that some of you think that if we are mothers without a partner then we should live in sin forever????

I am an educated woman-- if you missed it, I am working on my MPA at a Jesuit school. My son is very happy and very well taken car of!! I did not conceive this child prior to my 30s. People making negative assumptions is exactly why many of us feel stigmatized.

We take care of our responsibilities do all? of course not, do all married couples? nope.

My story is just ONE story. There are millions of children in this country being raised in single parent families. Do you know each of their stories? NO, so why would you make such horrible assumptions? Many, if not most, of the women in our group WERE married-- and I have not asked, but may have been virgins at the time they got married. I don't know why they are single nor do I care as that simply is not the reason for the Single 2 Mother.

I think many of you should consider that you too could become single parents, or your children could become single parents. You just do not know-- you think you are secure in your glass house? With marriages falling apart at record rates (and, yes, your partners could leave you), your husbands and sons being killed in a war, and everyday accidents happening everywhere? Don't judge, you may have to walk in my shoes someday & wouldn't it be better if you knew you had a safetynet program to catch you before you fall to the ground?
Best to you all,
Randi Anderson, Single 2 Mother

[Chanticleer]

Perhaps you missed what I had to say over the course of this thread, or perhaps you just clicked on my message to make a general reply. It's true that the main point of the thread was hijacked away from the issue of single parenting and on to moral issues. I made no assumptions about the women in the article -- their age, their marital status when they became pregnant or their education. I never accused anyone of whining or man-bashing, nor did I assume that the children were receiving state aid. My issue was with people who seem very willing in general to call a woman foul names but totally ignore the men. I think some other posters did a good job addressing the idea that we don't know the history of these women. I do know of at least one single father on this board, a very fine man whom I respect, who lost his wife to cancer. Certainly any of us could find ourselves in a similar situation.

I have a big issue with the hypocrisy and double-standards I see daily on this board when it comes to issues of morality. This is what I was addressing in my comments, not the women in the article. I made no judgments on you or any of the women in your group.

As far as stigmatism, I rarely make assumptions when it comes to single parents. Who knows how they became single parents? I figure if they want to share, they'll share. To me, the important thing for any parent, for any person, is to live life to the best of one's ability with honor, strength, and good character. I'm sorry that the women in your group feel stigmatized. I'm glad that you were able to create a network of support for each other.

The only issue I had in the article at all is the idea that our culture elevates marriage too highly. I don't believe that our culture values marriage highly enough.

[Randi]

It was a general post. I did not read all posts, but read enough to recognize that I was attacked, and there were huge generalizations in many comments. This was not a reflection to your comments at all.

I would agree. Having morals and values is one thing. Passing judgment and throwing stones is quite another. If one claims to use a Christian platform to judge others, I would have to argue there "Christianity".

I have taken a lot of hits for this, but I can not begin to tell you the positive effect this will have on a huge number of children being raised in single parent households. (I have also added a single2father group). I know children should be raised in a village. Unfortunately, divorce, death, and out of wedlock children are not going away anytime soon. What are we going to do today to have a positive impact on tomorrow? We are all together in this society, why don't we act like it?

Best,
Randi Anderson, Single 2 Mother