The Divorce Dilemma

The University of Texas at Austin ^ | March 2006 | Michelle Bryant

[SuzyQue]

While amicable divorces are certainly better than the alternative, particularly when children are involved, a new national study shows they still take a toll on children’s overall wellbeing, as well as their own future marital success.

Surprisingly, persons whose parents had a good divorce had, on average, the least successful marriages of any of the categories of persons compared. Their results differed significantly from persons whose parents had bad divorces involving destructive behaviors or low-conflict but not happy marriages. Results for that group were considerably poorer than those whose parents had a happy marriage.

[guestfox01]

Oops...

My earlier post should have said...

"I bet I could swing a pork cutting axe in such a way that would make politians and so-called researchers cry."

...instead of...

"I bet I could swing a tax cutting axe in such a way that would make politians and so-called researchers cry."

=)

[Mears]

I had an amicable divorce(as amicable as they can be) but my kids were all adults when I divorced.

They all seem to be okay.

[trubluolyguy]

Mine were 14 and 11.

They are now 16 and 13. My oldest girl lives with me, the youngest with her mother. Both are (so far) well adjusted kids that love their parents. I was a child of divorce also. I didn't have a stable household until I was 9. I grew up and became a cop, then a soldier until injury forced retirement. I like to think that except for one failed marriage I have done alright.

[Mears]

You certainly have done well. My "baby" is a cop,by the way.

[umgud]

Sometimes you can try to make it work for so long that it becomes detrimental to the kids. This happened to me. When my wife shot her boyfreind in my kitchen 6 times (actually 5, the 6th killed my fridge), I knew I had tried too long to make things work. The whole thing was really hard on my 4 kids also. That was many moons ago and I have since raised the kids by myself and now they're grown and doing well.

[JCEccles]

The solution is to marry the right person in the first place.

I think the solution is to love the person you marry. That is a decision you exercise enormous control over. Love--the kind that is essential for a successful marriage--is an active verb, not a passive sensation.

At the same time, I thank God every night that I was blessed or lucky enough to find the wonderful woman I am married to (thirty-one years this year). I have seen ostensibly good marriages fail that I am bewildered to understand why they failed.

[Mears]

A shooting in the kitchen would have done it for me too.

Ours was silent misery---we barely talked to eachother unless necessary.We went out own separate way for the last five years (still living in the same house).

A tough thing to do but we are both better off,and so is the family.

[umgud]

Yea, we went our separate ways long before the event I mentioned, but she didn't live in the house. I let her visit the kids and come around as long as she didn't bring trouble. BTW, kids were at grandma's and I was at work on thet day.

[To Lurk or Not to Lurk]

"Love … is an active verb, not a passive sensation."

Nicely stated.

[Nachoman]

One good divorce is about the same as one bad housefire.

[AnnoyedOne]

I am not really all that suprised by the findings. Both of my parents had been married before, and had kids by the previous marriages. My Dad's divorce was a nightmare scenario. My Mom's was amicable, and even though she had custody, my brother stayed with his dad during the 9 school months, and with us during the summers. In theory, that seemed the better situation. He was able to be with us during the summers when we could do more family things, like camping and fishing, etc.
Anyway, in retrospect, I do not think it did him any favors. To him, divorce seems like a thing which is more "normal", and as a result his two marriages never even came close to standing a chance. I have given up on any possibility that he will have a successful one, and am saddened by the very strong belief that he will die a lonely old man.
My other siblings, on my fathers side, saw a messy divorce. The feuding there continued on even after I was born for many years, and I was witness to the nastiness as well. I think this tended to make myself and them (with the exception of my sister) much more cautious about entering into marriage to begin with, and possibly more willing to work at it to preserve it rather than deal with divorce. My dad's other sons, and myself, have all been married only once. They have all been married longer than I, and I have been married for 19 yrs (I am, btw, 41 yrs old).
My sister is a different story, having been married 7 times... but she has some demons of her own causing that. That is more related to guilt her mother made her feel for the death of our oldest brother. On her 4th birthday, she was crossing the street to a neighbors to get a present, and he followed her (he was 3).. into the path of a Winfield city dump truck. IMO, the blame for that belongs squarely on their mom, since she was the adult caring for them at the time.. our dad was in Seattle on business. (It is also a big factor which caused the divorce) But her mom told her numerous times when she was little that it was her fault. Ever since then, my sister has felt like nobody loved her ever since, in her words "I killed my brother".
Because of all that, I do not figure my sister in the equation, but judging from my brothers and I, it seems to fit.

In any event.. which was better? I at least had a relationship with my brother from my mom's side. My brothers on my dad's side I have not seen, in person, since I was 6.

[RatRipper]

My wife left me after 19 years of marriage in what seemed to me and my children a stable, generally happy marriage. We had a civil divorce and have a very cooperative partnership in raising our sons. My oldest was 17 at the time of the divorce and is now 22. He does not trust women at all and believes most of them are self-absorbed and crazy. I think he is a perfect example of this research. My youngest is now 17, has never revealed his thoughts much. I cannot tell yet how it affected him, and that scares me. I was given no opportunity whatsoever to try to save our marriage. As for me, I am still mystified myself about what happened. . . and still single after 5 years, and so is my ex.

[Mears]

You should have hauled your refrigerator with you when you left in the morning. LOL

Good luck to you,sounds as if you're doing just fine.

[antceecee]

LOL!!!

[WIladyconservative]

I guess I am somewhat of an anachronism for my generation. My wife and I are 48 and we've been married for almost 25 years.

You and me both! Brewcrew and I will be married 24 years this year and we're 45. Something good came out of that "me" generation!

[stm]

I guess I am blessed to have found someone with whom I know I will stay with for the rest of our lives. We have grown to the point that it is inconceivable to be with anyone else. We have tentatively planned for a week's cruise (Alaska would be really cool but we'll probably go to the carribean) for our silver anniversary.

[tbird5]

"The solution is to marry the right person in the first place"

Most do marry the right person in the first place. That's why their new spouses look like the old one and tend to have the same problems. Some attact bad people because that's what they can relate to. That's why they have mutiple divorces. They never change or learn why they marry the wrong person. I have always thought that when people marry, and go down the aisle to say their vows, they are really in love.

[delacoert]

My story is nearly the same -- my wife Kathy and I, neither of us married before and now married for 25 years are often treated like rare exceptions.

ALL of my youngest daughter's close friends are the products of "blended families" -- to the extent of MOST mothers having children by multiple husbands... having multiple stepfathers, stepbrothers, and stepsisters.

In a recent hospitalization of my wife, the discussion of my relationship to my wife during admission was delicately phrased as "the person you [my wife] live with.

(In deference to the delicate sensitivities of the shacked-up contingency, the whole country dare not assume a guy like me is husband even though I'm the primary on the insurance policy their SO interested in obtaining/verifying.)

Anachronism doesn't seem describe the courtesy with which I am often treated - sometimes I feel it's more like second class citizen treatment.

[antonico]

My parents divorced when I was 4 and it was the best thing for me & my sister. There's only so much screaming little kids can take.

And as for Dr. Laura's "Primary Reasons" (Addiction, Adultery and Abuse): it's interesting that these "Reasons" subtextually convey justification of a divorce from the point-of-view of the VICTIM of these "reasons". She made a claim that when someone decides they don't love the other anymore as a valid reason to leave? Of course not, since that would be a realization from within oneself. And what would be left from a loveless marriage would look an awful lot like what my parents had before they split. Dr. Laura obviously needs her PhD revoked; or at least have her show canceled if she's gonna dole out crap like that.

[SuzyQue]

And, for a lighter, happier view of divorce (sarcasm): 

The Good Divorce

How former spouses have learned to put aside bitterness for the sake of the kids.

By Margery D. Rosen

The Family That Plays Together

A quick glance at the vacation photos reveals nothing out of the ordinary: two families on a two-week trip to Europe. For months, Randi and Ben Rabin and Steve and Kris Grant, who live not far from each other in the St. Petersburg, Florida, area, planned the itinerary -- half the time in Italy, the other in France. With their assorted kids in tow, the two clans did all the typical touristy stuff -- riding the elevator up the Eiffel Tower, checking out churches and museums. The trip was such a success that afterward the two families started planning a Cape Cod trip for the next summer.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/CouplesandMarriage/ArticleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=257462&GT1=7909