Posted on 03/01/2006 7:09:06 AM PST by ZGuy
In the United States, living together instead of marrying has become the norm for couples -- half of young adults aged 20-40 are cohabiting instead of getting married. Cohabitation has increased nearly 1,000% since 1980, and the marriage rate has dropped more than 40% since 1960.
Some see substituting living together for marriage as an insignificant shift in family “structure.” Those who are better informed realize that the shift has disastrous ramifications for the individuals involved, as well as for society and public policy.
The faulty reasoning leading young adults to make such a poor choice must be exposed. Here are four myths surrounding the shift.
Myth No. 1: Living Together Is a Good Way to “Test the Water”
Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage -- the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80% higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months.
Myth No. 2: Couples Don’t Really Need That “Piece of Paper”
A major problem with cohabitation is that it is a tentative arrangement that lacks stability; no one can depend upon the relationship -- not the partners, not the children, not the community, nor the society. Such relationships contribute little to those inside and certainly little to those outside the arrangement. Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage, indicating that, in case the relationship goes sour, they can avoid the trouble, expense and emotional trauma of a divorce. With such a weak bond between the two parties, there is little likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure.
Myth No. 3: Cohabiting Relationships Usually Lead to Marriage
During the 1970s, about 60% of cohabiting couples married each other within three years, but this proportion has since declined to less than 40%. While women today still tend to expect that “cohabitation will lead to marriage,” numerous studies of college students have found that men typically cohabit simply because it is “convenient.” In fact, there is general agreement among scholars that living together before marriage puts women at a distinct disadvantage in terms of “power.” A college professor described a survey that he conducted over a period of years in his marriage classes. He asked guys who were living with a girl, point blank, “Are you going to marry the girl that you’re living with?” The overwhelming response, he reports, was “NO!” When he asked the girls if they were going to marry the guy they were living with, their response was, “Oh, yes; we love each other and we are learning how to be together.”
Myth No. 4: Cohabiting Relationships Are More Egalitarian Than Marriage
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
So What’s the Conclusion?
A mass of sociological evidence shows that cohabitation is an inferior alternative to the married, intact, two-parent, husband-and-wife family. Increasingly, the myths of living together without marriage are like a mirror shattered by the force of the facts that expose the reality of cohabitation.
Dr. Crouse is senior fellow of Concerned Women for America’s Beverly LaHaye Institute.
>>>It's no one's business until the live-in beats the crap out of a young child or worse yet, kills them. The news seems to be abundant with such stories in this day and age.>>>
Just because some women choose losers doesn't mean all "live-in's" are losers and that all stepparents aren't. My mother married the loser that abused me, does that mean that all stepparents are evil, no.
"I'm tired of comments stating marriage is no good."
Me, too. I know that some marriages don't turn out well, but that's no reason to be sour on all marriages, as some here are. My first marriage failed after 17 years, but it ended amicably, and my ex and I are still on good terms. My current marriage is at 14 years, and shows no sign of faltering.
Some states have "common-law" marriage statutes, but I'm not sure what the legal status of that institution is. I don't know that it begets the same fiduciary obligations as a certified marriage, for example.
I could care less about the worthless legal papers involved in marriage. The fact that my marriage was a Sacrament in the presence of God is what matters most.
"I hope you appreciate how (dare I say it?) blessed you are."
Oh, I do, thanks. We just plain like each other's company, which is a good thing, since we both work at home and are together practically all the time.
I'm very sorry to hear that. But thanks for posting this. You may have saved someone a lot of heartache.
Sadly, this is human nature. The act of intercourse tends to bind the man and woman together. But as the number of partners increases, the natural bonding effect tends to weaken.
But there is a way out of this cycle: God's grace. Pray, pray and pray. He will show you the way out of this vicious circle.
LOL!
Yikes. No one attacked you personally.
I just figure in the addition of years living together, to the real number of years in marital bliss. For example, we've been married for ten years, but lived together for three... thus, we've been "married" for thirteen years.
Not to say that the marriage wasn't a significant event, though.
YMMV.
I hope you never have to walk in someone else's shoes.
I know a few guys that have been burned bad by marriage and are advising to get a prenup to anyone who does get married. One friend had to move back with his folks because the alimoney and child support made it impossible to afford a place on his own. And the ex-wife cohabitated with a guy with a relatively high salary so she was doing very well for herself. Too many American women are taught that they can get $$$ from a guy for having his kids and walking away from him. Not too many women are like that, but enough to make the average guy nervous about getting married.
That's true, but most importantly, God must be central to the relationship. Without God, spouses tend to semi-consciously expect the other spouse to be God or a god. This leads to disappointment and divorce.
In one case, the snake even brags about the "million dollar" home he lives in, courtesy of daddy, in addition to under the table income for her, plus federal and state aid for the children...
Yep.
Any man who is/was not nervous about getting married in some way is lying. But if the man is worried about what happens if she splits with him, he shouldn't be getting married in the first place.
Too many American women are taught that they can get $$$ from a guy for having his kids and walking away from him.
Ahhh...the sexual revolution, wasn't it fruitful?
What I find amazing is the number of long term (5+ years) living together arrangements that end up in marriage only to be in divorce in just a few years or in some cases a few months.
This is simply biology and human nature, and no number of laws can overcome it.
Unfortunately, this is a rational argument only where children are not in the picture.
And if someone doesn't live their life the way you see fit, you say they are engaging in "bad behavior".
Did I miss anything?
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