For Mohammad, Heaven A Lonely Place

Mohammad stands alone in paradise. An ill-advised prohibition against idolatry has left faithful followers unable to recognize his face.

A Point Five special report:
Part seven in the Conversations series.

HEAVEN - There’s a large sign above the gates of heaven that says, “All who seek comfort are welcome here”. But for Mohammad, heaven is a lonely place.

“I look at Jesus, and he’s surrounded with followers. A rock star. Oh Allah, what a fool I am!’

Despite a population of billions of faithful, heaven has never really panned out for Mohammad.

“On Thursdays, we all wait at the gate for the new arrivals. Me and Jesus and Buddha and Elijah and Vishnu– the whole gang. You can always tell my followers coming up the escalator, they’re usually holding a nice little cardboard box containing their limbs, imshallah. And I say ‘Here! Come to me my beloved children! Your Prophet awaits you! At last behold my face!’

“And they look at me like they’ve never seen me before. And then I remember, ‘Oh crap– the idolatry thing!’ Oh Allah, why did I have to come up with the idolatry thing? Everybody knows what Jesus looks like.

“And they say, ‘If you are the Prophet, why do you

stand alongside these kafirs? You cannot be him. We see another gate, where one who calls himself “Prophet” stands alone.’

“Sure enough, they see that other gate over there– the one with the guy who’s promising them good food and tons of sex and every earthly pleasure, and all I can say is ‘Don’t do it! Come to me– and live in peace with all the souls of the world. Come see the face of the Creator! Seventy-two sweet raisins of heavenly enlightenment await you!’ And what do they say to me?

“They say, ‘Do not try to fool us, Shaitan. Our Mohammad was a warrior– you speak of nothing but peace. Our Mohammad crushed the infidels– you stand with them. Our Mohammad promised virgins– you offer none.’

“And I’m like, ‘Who am I? Vishnu?’”

Vishnu, who is sitting nearby during this interview, doesn’t react. He continues waiting patiently for his followers go through eons of death and rebirth on their slow climb to Brahman.

“Sure enough,” continues Mohammad, “they always go to the other gate. Oh, sure, a few stragglers wander in– the blind Imams… but, then, they’re not allowed in here anyway.

Frankly, this is getting pretty embarrassing. Buddha and Elijah just snicker whenever I walk by. Jesus offered to loan me a few of His until I could build up a bigger crowd– loan me– the final Prophet– a few of His??? Even Odin is getting more traffic than me, and he’s been retired for years!”

Odin sniggers at this, stopping his feasting on a large lamb leg for long enough to give a large grin and greasy thumbs-up.

“Did you know that L. Ron Hubbard is pulling in twice the bodies I am?” says Mohammad. “Excuse me? L.-F***ing-Ron Hubbard?”

“Why don’t you just pop down and give them a few new rules?” yells out Elijah, laughing and high-fiving Buddha.

Mohammad shoots back an icy glare. “Like that joke hasn’t gotten old during the ETERNITY I’ve had to hear it. Oh, Allah– why did I have to say ‘final revealed truth’?”

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.