For Mohammad, Heaven A Lonely Place

Mohammad stands alone in paradise. An ill-advised prohibition against idolatry has left faithful followers unable to recognize his face.

A Point Five special report:
Part seven in the Conversations series.

HEAVEN - There’s a large sign above the gates of heaven that says, “All who seek comfort are welcome here”. But for Mohammad, heaven is a lonely place.

“I look at Jesus, and he’s surrounded with followers. A rock star. Oh Allah, what a fool I am!’

Despite a population of billions of faithful, heaven has never really panned out for Mohammad.

“On Thursdays, we all wait at the gate for the new arrivals. Me and Jesus and Buddha and Elijah and Vishnu– the whole gang. You can always tell my followers coming up the escalator, they’re usually holding a nice little cardboard box containing their limbs, imshallah. And I say ‘Here! Come to me my beloved children! Your Prophet awaits you! At last behold my face!’

“And they look at me like they’ve never seen me before. And then I remember, ‘Oh crap– the idolatry thing!’ Oh Allah, why did I have to come up with the idolatry thing? Everybody knows what Jesus looks like.

“And they say, ‘If you are the Prophet, why do you

stand alongside these kafirs? You cannot be him. We see another gate, where one who calls himself “Prophet” stands alone.’

“Sure enough, they see that other gate over there– the one with the guy who’s promising them good food and tons of sex and every earthly pleasure, and all I can say is ‘Don’t do it! Come to me– and live in peace with all the souls of the world. Come see the face of the Creator! Seventy-two sweet raisins of heavenly enlightenment await you!’ And what do they say to me?

“They say, ‘Do not try to fool us, Shaitan. Our Mohammad was a warrior– you speak of nothing but peace. Our Mohammad crushed the infidels– you stand with them. Our Mohammad promised virgins– you offer none.’

“And I’m like, ‘Who am I? Vishnu?’”

Vishnu, who is sitting nearby during this interview, doesn’t react. He continues waiting patiently for his followers go through eons of death and rebirth on their slow climb to Brahman.

“Sure enough,” continues Mohammad, “they always go to the other gate. Oh, sure, a few stragglers wander in– the blind Imams… but, then, they’re not allowed in here anyway.

Frankly, this is getting pretty embarrassing. Buddha and Elijah just snicker whenever I walk by. Jesus offered to loan me a few of His until I could build up a bigger crowd– loan me– the final Prophet– a few of His??? Even Odin is getting more traffic than me, and he’s been retired for years!”

Odin sniggers at this, stopping his feasting on a large lamb leg for long enough to give a large grin and greasy thumbs-up.

“Did you know that L. Ron Hubbard is pulling in twice the bodies I am?” says Mohammad. “Excuse me? L.-F***ing-Ron Hubbard?”

“Why don’t you just pop down and give them a few new rules?” yells out Elijah, laughing and high-fiving Buddha.

Mohammad shoots back an icy glare. “Like that joke hasn’t gotten old during the ETERNITY I’ve had to hear it. Oh, Allah– why did I have to say ‘final revealed truth’?”

Allah's Servant, a Muslim man named Akmid dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven Akmid" proclaims Saint Peter, "Let your hearts' desire be known."

Well, replies Akmid, I am very anxious to meet Allah.

"Very well, follow me" says Saint Peter.

Akmid and Peter walk into a huge dining hall where a feast is being prepared. They sit down and Saint Peter asks Akmid what he would like to drink.

"Nothing", replies Akmid.

"Surely you must have something to drink" says Peter.

No, Akmid exclaims, I thought we were going to meet Allah.

"Yes, you will meet him very shortly," says Peter, "but first you must order a drink."

Very well, said Akmid, I'll have tea.

"So will I" says Peter, clapping his hands together loudly he shouts, "Allah, two teas."

I really have a problem with your statement.If God will not allow people who kill other people into heaven then every one who has killed in defense of his own or another's life is condemned also.Every executioner of a murderer will burn,Every soldier,sailor,and airman who stopped the v Nazis and Nips has no hope.

Way back in the Old Testament there was this Moses fellow and a bunch called Israelites who fought big battles and slew lots of people as part of God's plan.At least Moses told them it was!

Now one of several things may be true: Moses was a liar and/or the Bible is faked ,and it doesn't matter who kills whom. Or your statement is wrong.

What I think is most likely is that lazy or confused translators changed what was a Commandment not to murder into one saying do not kill. Then the Bible would be a whole lot more consistent.

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