Good to see you again Firehat!
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Posted on 01/13/2006 7:52:10 AM PST by firehat
THIS JUST IN - REVERBERATING ©
by Norman Liebmann
THIS JUST IN: Couturiers have ordained, because of the success of the gay cowboy film epic, Brokeback Mountain, buckskin lingerie is “in”.
THIS JUST IN: Some parochial viewpoints: Democrats are determined to handle the attack on the World Trade Center through the courts. ACLU attorneys take the legal position that the deaths of the three thousand people killed in the WTC be reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor. (Predictably, the gay community insists there was no crime involved and that the three thousand died only because AIDS research was underfunded.)
THIS JUST IN: Foreign tanks have refused to invade Paris unless they are assured of valet parking.
THIS JUST IN: Geraldo Rivera took the demise of the twelve West Virginia coal miners particularly hard because he couldn’t use them as a backdrop for his self-aggrandizing bogus report of their rescue.
THIS JUST IN: A music firm is considering publishing The Joan Baez Collection of Subversive Folk Songs.
THIS JUST IN: Hillary had to cancel a speech to a women’s group. Her hair looked okay, but she was having a bad ass day.
THIS JUST IN: Donald Trump knows when to end a negotiation. Hollywood is considering a film about him entitled "Crocodile Done Deal".
THIS JUST IN: Mathematicians hold the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The distance is even shorter when the two points are the Democrat Party and the New York Times.
THIS JUST IN: It seems apparent that Tom Cruise is a better actor than anyone in Hollywood thinks, and that George Clooney is a worse actor than anyone anywhere thinks.
THIS JUST IN: A survey estimates there are more men named Jamal in the NBA than there are in Saudi Arabia.
THIS JUST IN: Since his heart attack, Bill Clinton’s doctors told him to live a normal life, although Hillary has him on a Viagra-free diet. Along those lines, a pharmaceutical company is considering putting out Viagra in four potencies - Mild, Medium, Strong, and Here Come Da Showboat.
THIS JUST IN: Las Vegas bookmakers are betting Canada will be the first country to put a homosexual into outer space. It should be noted that for gays outer space starts at approximately six inches above the ground.
THIS JUST IN: The Encyclopedia Erotica has just reclassified The Love Canal from a polluted waterway to an anatomical intrusion.
THIS JUST IN: A medical establishment for gays is called the Institute for the Chronic Limp. They specialize in Diseases of the Wrist.
THIS JUST IN: Al Gore has updated his prediction of gloom and doom to doom and gloom. So far there is no discernible improvement.
THIS JUST IN: In case she is ever indicted, Hillary Clinton is getting instruction on how to reset the odometer on a polygraph machine.
THIS JUST IN: Trent Lott is going to have a handle attached to his ass so it won’t accidentally get dropped on the floor every time he gets it handed to him during a debate.
THIS JUST IN: Producers declare that anyone who claims members of minorities are not getting enough opportunities to appear on television haven’t been watching the series called “COPS”.
THIS JUST IN: Elton John is contemplating undergoing a surgical procedure that makes him physically qualified to be a woman driver.
THIS JUST IN: The Bureau of Statistics reports that, in America, anyone who applies himself and works hard can make a million dollars – or even less.
THIS JUST IN: Sociologists have determined that baseball caps in the Inner City are being worn correctly. It’s people’s heads that are on backwards.
THIS JUST IN: Add this to your list of “must miss” gay cowboy movies. It’s called “Bitch Cassidy and The Prom Dance Kid”.
THIS JUST IN: Redundancy strikes again: Jesse Jackson found an Afro hair in his soul food.
THIS JUST IN: Archeologists have determined that Palestinian’s think The Pyramids are piles of rocks that haven’t been thrown at anyone yet.
THIS JUST IN: Hillary will appeal to Latino liberals with the slogan “Se habla Pravda”.
THIS JUST IN: A sociologist has advanced the theory that feminists are people, too. He is quick to remind us that it's only a theory.
THIS JUST IN: There’s a new folk song being twanged in the San Francisco coffee houses dedicated to Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein. It’s called “California Whorin’”.
THIS JUST IN: A news channel is contemplating staging a debate between Alan Combs and Juan Williams. It’s being billed as the ultimate confrontation between insufferable and the incomprehensible.
THIS JUST IN: The Immigration Service reports there will always be enough work for illegal aliens when you consider how much of it has already been shirked by people who should have already done it.
THIS JUST IN: Gay cowboys have asked an Indian medicine man to come up with a cure for AIDS. He suggested that they beat on an Arapaho tom-tom and trying washing more often.
THIS JUST IN: The Clinton Library will display its unique collection of welcome mats from world cat houses.
THIS JUST IN: There is talk about giving Paris Hilton a saliva test. Laboratory technicians are planning to go door to door in Hollywood collecting samples of it.
THIS JUST IN: Jimmy Carter’s Habitat for Humanity is trying to convince NASA that the Space Shuttle needs a front porch.
THIS JUST IN: Teddy Kennedy has developed a bloated condition around his middle called toxic waist.
THIS JUST IN: Harvard University is preparing a series of lectures by a professor on the question: “Is there defecting to Canada after death?”
THIS JUST IN: HBO is getting pressure to make its programs more child-friendly. Next season we can expect to see Tony Soprano set his “goomah” up in an apartment on Sesame Street. Network executives may even change the name of the location from Sesame Street to Sicily Street.
THIS JUST IN: One outfit leftover from Bill Clinton’s “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” Army, adopted as its fighting motto, The Choreographers from Hell.
THIS JUST IN: TV Producers were considering reviving The Love Boat and starring Rosie O'Donnell as ballast. Talk about type casting!
THIS JUST IN: There’s a new politically correct homosexual action hero on the drawing boards called Captain Neutral. He enters a phone booth in a demure black frock with a simple choker of pearls and emerges the same way.
THIS JUST IN: For some people Evolution is not headed in the right direction. One minority even needs backup lights.
THIS JUST IN: Demographers remind us of the statistic that every fourth person born in the world is Chinese, so there is a three-to-one chance your next three children will be Caucasian. Do the math.
THIS JUST IN: Senate colleagues are referring to the body of water where Ted Kennedy drove off the bridge in Chappaquiddick as Lake Bleary.
THIS JUST IN: Environmentalists have determined, if you leave an Arab out in the desert long enough, he’ll figure out a way to f--k up the sand.
THIS JUST IN: Man’s inhumanity to man gets worse. The Vietnamese have an offer out to Leona Helmsley to manage the Hanoi Hilton.
THIS JUST IN: Immigration Department statistics reveal Mexicans can’t wait to get out of Mexico. Those who do get out will do anything not to be sent back. What a paradise that place must be!
THIS JUST IN: That tracking device Martha Stewart had to wear during her home confinement was made of mink. She convinced the judge she was susceptible to catching colds in her right ankle.
THIS JUST IN: It’s been revealed, after visitors leave the White House, a custodial crew has to be brought in every two hours to squeegee the saliva off Bill Clinton’s official portrait.
and this …
THIS JUST IN: Anyone interested in assassinating Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad might get some target practice and achieve sainthood at the same time.
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If you want to gaurantee a sand shortage create a Department of Sand.
OBTW where in the hell you been??
No matter.
...just glad you're back. ;^)
...and get the UN involved too.
Does it seem too weird that a SHEEP ranch was selected as the setting??? The whole thing is just too yucky.
Between that and Al Capone's secret stash, Geraldo's losing streak seems to know no bounds.
I was watching some of his early mine coverage and the way he was hogging the spotlight. He set himself up for a really gig fall and then it happened. He seems to have gone into hiding since then. Maybe he'll do the world a favor and become a hermit.
I would like to see the links to some of these stories.
Good to read your stuff again Norm! Brilliant as usual!
Liebmann bumpity bump!
THIS JUST IN: The levels of dangerous radioactivity around the once City of Tehran, is now estimated to decay to safe levels in only another 72 years.
LOL!
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I was just saying to myself the other day, "Self, Wonder where firehat is?!?"
Keep up the good work.
Firehat has a great website
I got an interesting email from him
they should get that DC sniper P*O*S to do that... after he bumps off Ahmadinajad we just say "We don't recall any deal"...
What has happened to good writing?
Lol, very good...
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