Posted on 12/09/2005 5:35:56 PM PST by SandRat
Thought you might enjoy this.
Engineers - Take One:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Engineers - Take Two:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Engineers - Take Three:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Engineers - Take Four:
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Engineers - Take Five:
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
Engineers - Take Six:
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
and my son is an Aerosapce Engineer.
(chortle)
So they became accountants, correct?
Prospective employer: "How much is two plus two?
Accountant: "How much do you want it to be?":
It's self deprecating humor.
I do Software QA.
ahhh ok :)
LOL
In case you missed this.............
State of West Virginia
Professional Engineer Examination
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of the following pickups will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
'66 Ford
'69 International Harvester
'72 Chevrolet
'64 GMC
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in Mingo County vents its R-12 charge simultaneously, what would be the percent decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawed pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal mine operates as an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
Practical
You have just imbibed an entire case of Budweiser and are now alone in a dark room with a disassembled AK-47 assault rifle on the table in front of you. In 15 seconds, an enraged and starving mountain lion will be released in to the room. Assemble and load the weapon.
Phenomonaly dumb.
If he wants to make another one...
He's going to have to have a
computer station to design it.
If you give him a computer station...
He's going to need the latest copy of
"AutoCAD for Bakers"tm to go with it.
If you give him the software...
He's going to discover he needs a copy of
the "Design Specs for Confections" manual.
If you get him the reference manual...
He's going to find he needs copies of all the old blueprints.
If you locate the old blueprints...
He's going to discover that "the last guy
who designed the cookie
was a complete idiot who couldn't
engineer himself out of a paper bag."
If he burns energy explosively
Cursing the previous Engineer...
He's going to want to get some snacks from
the vending machine to eat in his cubicle.
If the Engineer gets some junk food...
He's going to want a cookie!
Andrew Bartmess, (c) 2005
Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow said, "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out, "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well," replied the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area?"
I don't get it.....
Engineers? Humor? Not possible!
heh heh heh
Someone tell the one about the engineers who both ride on the train on the same ticket. Then the architects try to copy them and . . .
Does anyone know the joke about geeks and the naked girl on the bike? I can't quite remember it and the punchline eludes me.
During French revolution,a philosopher,a lawyer and an engineer were condemned to die on the guillotine. The executioner allowed the first to die, the philosopher, to choose his position. He could look up as the blade fell or take a prone position. Being an optimist he decided to look up at the sky hoping for a miracle. The blade fell but stopped inches from his throat. By the rule of the day he was released and freed. The lawyer, citing precedent did the same with the same result. The engineer took the same upward position as well, but as he looked up he told the guillotine operator," I think I see your problem".
ha! cute joke!
That's funny
LMAO-LOL-MSH-TRDMF!!!!
A priest, a mathemetician and an engineer are in the wrong place at the wrong time in France. They are sentenced to the guillitine.
The priest is scheduled to be executed first. When asked "face up or face down?" the priest exclaims "Please place me face up so I can see My God when I die!"
They do as he requests and the executioner pulls the cord and ... *screetch* the blade stops halfway down. Well, all execution laws say that of the equipment doesn't work, it is a sign from God that the prisoner is to be let free.
The mathemetician was up next, and, smart guy that he is, says "Please place me face up so I can see My God when I die!" Once again the cord is pulled and... *screetch* the blade stops halfway down. The mathematician is exonerated and freed.
The engineer has been watching all this time and has seen the pattern. "Please place me face up so I can see My God when I die!" Just as they get ready to pull the cord, he yells "wait wait wait! ... I think I see your problem."
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