Posted on 12/04/2005 7:48:12 AM PST by nuconvert
DAVE BARRY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE
Less stress, less mess
BY DAVE BARRY
Dec. 04, 2005
Hark -- Do you hear that sound? It's the radio, playing Frosty the Snowman! For the eighth or ninth time today! And that thud in the yard? Why, that's dad, falling off the ladder while attempting to hang fake icicles from the roof. And if you listen really, really hard, you can hear, softly in the distance, the sounds of shoppers trading punches over parking spots at the mall.
No doubt about it: The holidays are here!
Yes, it's a busy, busy time. But no matter how hectic it gets, you need to remember what the holidays are really all about. So before you get too caught up in all the craziness and the commercialism, take a moment for quiet reflection, and ask yourself this question: Exactly how much can you charge on your credit cards without going to jail?
Because you need to buy things. A LOT of things. Even as you read these words, people are out there buying things for you, and you are legally required to give every single one of these people some kind of thing in retaliation. That is what the holiday season is all about. And that is why every year, in defiance of numerous court orders, we put out our Holiday Gift Guide.
This is not your ordinary gift guide, the kind that features gifts that somebody might actually want or use. The gifts in this guide were selected because they meet a very strict criterion, which is that when we saw the item advertised, we said to ourselves: ''Are they SERIOUS?'' The idea is, if you give one of these items to somebody on your list, that person will be much less likely to want to exchange gifts with you in the future.
Every item in the Holiday Gift Guide is a real product that is actually for sale. We have purchased all of these items and subjected them to our rigorous field-testing procedure, which consists of giving them to Raul the photographer and sending him out into the field to take funny pictures of them. After that, we don't know what happens to them, and we frankly don't care.
It is because of this rigorous procedure that we are able to offer you our Holiday Gift Guide Pledge of Guaranteed Quality Assurance:
We hereby pledge that if you buy an item featured in the Holiday Gift Guide, and you are for any reason not 100 percent completely satisfied with it, then don't say we didn't warn you.
OK, now that we've gotten the ''legal boilerplate'' out of the way, let's look at this year's crop of gift concepts, starting with:
KISS Celebriducks
DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE
• KISS Celebriducks • Spray-on Mud • Literary entry: Switch Blades of Italy • Musical Funky Toilet • Sinking Titanic Ship Model • Animated Stress Turtle • Flavor Spray • Electric Marshmallow Toaster • Scrolling LED Belt Buckle • Pajamas for Dogs • Poop-Freeze • Bodyperks Fake Nipples • Poopsadaisy Feces-Toting Backpack for Dogs • Musical entry: Songs to Make Dogs Happy! • Pet Stroller • Forest Faces
(See article link for descriptions of all the above)
Scroll down and click on each item in the red box
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/entertainment/13318365.htm
It's on MY wish list, fer SURE!
It's not "the holidays," you secular scumbag, it's CHRISTMAS!
I hurt myself laughing!
Some good ideas here. Google seems to be coming up with all of them.
Remember a few years ago, when there was a big fad involving a fake trophy bass, mounted on a plaque, that would suddenly swing its head out toward you and start lip-syncing a song such as Take Me To the River? Remember how hilarious you thought it was the first time you saw it? Then remember how, one by one, every single residence in the United States, including probably the White House, got one of those things, and not only did you stop being amused by it, but you came to realize that it represented a low point in human civilization?
Bodyperks Fake Nipples
Ladies, let's talk about your nipples. Men think about them a lot. You know how, when you ask a man what he's thinking, he often answers, ''nothing,'' but you're pretty sure he really is thinking about something? You're right. He's thinking about your nipples. He can't tell YOU that, of course, but trust us, he is. This means that your nipples are a valuable asset for keeping men focused on you. Unfortunately, there may be times when men are NOT thinking about your nipples, such as during a terrorist attack, or when you are wearing garments that do not permit nipple pokage. During such times, you need a way to get their attention back where it belongs. You need Bodyperks brand artificial nipples, which can poke out through just about anything, including body armor. So this is the perfect holiday gift for the gal who wants to really ''stand out.'' We understand that Madonna buys these things by the gross.
Dave Barry is the best!!!*ROFLMAO*
God bless our troops wherever they may be.
The influence and power of the secularists seems to grow day by day. Oh well, I'm comforted to know that there's a few of us who will never give in.
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