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Forget the Career. My Parents Need Me at Home.
NY Times ^ | 24 November 2005 | Jane Gross

Posted on 11/27/2005 4:18:42 PM PST by Lorianne

WASHINGTON, Mich. - Until last February, Mary Ellen Geist was the archetypal career woman, a radio news anchor with a six-figure salary and a suitcase always packed for the next adventure, whether a third-world coup, a weekend of wine tasting or a job in a bigger market.

But now, Ms. Geist, 49, has a life that would be unrecognizable to colleagues and friends in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York City. She has returned to her family home near Detroit to care for her parents, one lost to dementia and the other to sorrow.

Ms. Geist sleeps in the dormered bedroom of her childhood and survives without urban amenities like white balsamic vinegar. She starts her days reminding her father, Woody, a sweet-tempered 78-year-old who once owned an auto parts company, how to spoon cereal from his bowl.

Then, in a Mercedes C230 that she calls the "last remnant of my other life," she takes him to adult day care, begging her mother to use her time alone to get a massage or take a painting class.

(Excerpt) Read more at nytimes.com ...


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: babyboomers; d; elderly; family; women
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To: newzjunkey
If you have to ask if this is heroic you've *never* cared for a dementia patient.

No, I guess I'm lucky. My point was, that it used to be a natural thing to do, not out of the ordinary.

This article tries to make a saint out of a woman for doing what should be only natural, merely because of the lucrative career she gave up.

61 posted on 11/27/2005 5:32:44 PM PST by digger48
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To: Sleeping Beauty

Just a joke - she is a crazy loud italian woman, that's all.


62 posted on 11/27/2005 5:34:01 PM PST by HitmanLV (Listen to my demos for Savage Nation contest: http://www.geocities.com/mr_vinnie_vegas/index.html)
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To: digger48

People used to live shorter lives- as our life expectancy increases, so does our chances of suffering from long-term illnesses which need years of intensive care and supervision. You can't compare life 100 or 50 years ago to today.


63 posted on 11/27/2005 5:35:29 PM PST by LWalk18
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To: goodnesswins

You are right, often the residents feel closer to the workers, and often for a variety of reasons...for one, we are with them just about every day(except for our days off), and that constant repetition of seeing the same faces, makes the residents feel like they really know us...

And there are residents who have no family at all, because they have all died...often their friends in the nursing home, along with the staff, are the only 'family', that they have...

And then there are the more complicated cases...often a resident comes in, does have family, ,but none of the family visits...that is often for a variety of reasons...sometimes the resident was a really lousy, or an abusive parents, and their own children and grandchildren have no desire to see them...but when they come into a nursing home setting, the staff sees the elderly resident only as they are when they come in, not how they might have been in an earlier time of their life...and we try to treat all the elderly residents with love and respect, as its not really up to us, to make judgements upon them...when we get them, ,they are usually sick, old, and frightened, and we try to help them as much as possible...

And then there are the residents who have a loving family, always there, always visiting, always willing to help out, in what is always a short-staffed nursing home...

As in life outside a nursing home, the dynamics of caring for the sick and the elderly and clearly seeing the family dynamics going on, within the nursing home framework, can be varied and often complicated...


64 posted on 11/27/2005 5:35:33 PM PST by andysandmikesmom
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To: Keith in Iowa
I applaud this gal, but is it all that heroic?

Heroic? Probably not. But it is unusual in the "It's all about me" era we seem to be in. And worth noting.

I disagree, if there is dementia involved. My mother tried to care for my grandfather, and I have to say that her actions were heroic. My grandfather eventually became combative and beligerant, and the family finally convinced her that she couldn't give him the sort of care he needed. But they tried for months before she finally gave in.

Her guilt was terrible. And he died in the home within two months.

Mark

65 posted on 11/27/2005 5:37:42 PM PST by MarkL (I didn't get to where I am today by worrying about what I'd feel like tomorrow!)
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To: litehaus

I'll pray, Lorianne. My mother-in-law had a couple of strokes/ a while back now. It is very hard. But it is a good thing, to give your energy back to the parents. And it is very satisfying to know, when they die, that you have done what you could do.


66 posted on 11/27/2005 5:39:45 PM PST by bboop (Stealth Tutor)
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To: Lorianne
I'm not a baby boomer (I'm Gen X). But my parents have told their parents (only my dad's mother remains) that as long as they can take care of their bodily needs by themselves, they'll let them stay at home.

And that's exaclty how my parents want my sister and I to treat them.

They know everybody has lives to live. They don't expect my sister or I to wipe their butts... (nor would they like it.)

It's good to have this type of communication with your parents early if life.
67 posted on 11/27/2005 5:40:26 PM PST by birbear (Admit it. you clicked on the "I have already previewed" button without actually previewing the post.)
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To: digger48
I've got to agree:

This article tries to make a saint out of a woman for doing what should be only natural, merely because of the lucrative career she gave up.

But, having been there, I must say this: Neither my parents nor I plan to use welfare money to pay for wend of life care.

My parents spent their entire life savings on this. I purchased long term insurance to avoid being a burden on the government.

I AM for cutting Medicaid and welfare to the bone. But I would expect that everyone else who agrees with me, to have plenty of money ($60,000 per year) and LTC insurance so that they will never need to apply for public assistance and tax their fellow citizens. Lip service is just not good enough.

68 posted on 11/27/2005 5:41:46 PM PST by Sleeping Beauty
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To: CyberAnt

I understand completely. Even with 2 sister's in law, myself and my (now ex) husband, we couldn't always keep my mother-in-law safe. The night we were all there and my f-i-l still managed to sneak into the garage, fill a pail with gasoline, walk into the living room and attempt to put the fire in the fireplace out with the gas... that was the night we realized we needed to put him into a home for altzheimer's patients.

It was a tough decision but we had to accept he was a danger to himself and to us.


69 posted on 11/27/2005 5:42:01 PM PST by Sally'sConcerns (Native Texan, now in Ok.)
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To: newzjunkey

What you say in your post #51 is very often true, of way too many nursing homes...by the same token, its also very untrue of many nursing homes...

Whenever I have applied for a job in a nursing home, I insist on an impromptu visit around the nursing home, immediately after I fill out my application...I want to see how the nursing homes fares in my opinion of what the ideal nursing home situation should be...should they refuse to allow me a tour, or want to reschedule a tour, I suspect something is wrong...and I ask to take back my application...if the nursing home does not meet my own approval, I will refuse to work there...

And I ask a million questions of any prospective employer...you see, they may be sizing me up, but I am sizing them up even more...

I want the nursing home I work in, to be the sort of nursing home I would be comfortable living in myself, should I ever need such a place...

Not all nursing homes should be painted with the same broad brushstroke...they are all different, and anyone can contact their state about how well each nursing home fairs in the yearly inspections, and surveys, and all nursing homes should be available to impromptu tours by both prospective employees and prospective residents and their families as well...only in that way, can one be comfortable working in a particular nursing home, or putting a loved one or oneself in a nursing home...


70 posted on 11/27/2005 5:42:28 PM PST by andysandmikesmom
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To: HitmanNY

LOL. I'll remember that next time you complain about your mom.


71 posted on 11/27/2005 5:46:43 PM PST by Sleeping Beauty
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To: mombonn

I think what you said in your post #58 is very important...often, if there has been a problem, or friction between adult children and their parents, often its the very act of taking care of the parents, which eventually resolves the problem...its a pleasant by-product, one which often the childen do not realize will occur...and by taking care of ones parents, often we learn things about them and about ourselves that we did not know...it can be a wonderful learning experience...


72 posted on 11/27/2005 5:47:51 PM PST by andysandmikesmom
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To: andysandmikesmom
"and we try to help them as much as possible"

as you should. AND, as most family would appreciate.

73 posted on 11/27/2005 5:50:20 PM PST by goodnesswins (We would have WON in Vietnam, without Dim interference.)
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To: vavavah
You're a caring and unselfish person. You will reconstruct, believe me. I wish you the very best, my fellow Floridian.

Leni

74 posted on 11/27/2005 5:53:43 PM PST by MinuteGal
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To: goldstategop
Heroic? I could never envision my father living out the rest of his days in a nursing home. All we had was each other. And now I'm all that's left in this world.

I hear you and I applaud you - I am in a similar situation and moving rapidly to having Dad move in here. 10 years ago 3 surgeries in 3 months had 70-year-old Dad living with us for 6 months.

Fast forward 10 years and 80-year-old Dad's dying of congestive heart failure and is frail and weak but wants to live on his own as long as he can. I make the 50 mile round trip several times a week to care for him and look after him - if gas prices rise again he's got to move in with us. We do this all on one income.

And in my case, there's no inheritance - my dad lives in a rent assistance building and has no savings.

I do it because it's The Right Thing To Do. He gave me life, I can at least make his last weeks/years comfortable and familial.

75 posted on 11/27/2005 6:49:04 PM PST by WIladyconservative (Save us from future Freepathons - set up a monthly donation!)
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To: perfect stranger
Are you usually so cynical, or are you just projecting?

As a CPA, I've handled a few estates - I'll leave it at that.

76 posted on 11/27/2005 7:04:06 PM PST by gubamyster
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To: gubamyster
You are painting with a wide brush.
77 posted on 11/27/2005 7:15:08 PM PST by perfect stranger
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To: Lorianne

Eight years ago, I spent 9 months staying with an elderly friend during her last illness.

On her good days we would talk, laugh and fret about the goings on at the Clinton White House. On the bad days I would try to make sense of her ramblings and change her diapers.

She had 4 grown children who wouldn't lift a finger to help her. They all thanked me profusely for 'helping them.' What they didn't realize is that I was receiving numerous benefits that they would not and could not fathom.

I was alone with her when she died, and knew that she had the best send-off possible.

I keep telling my kids that I plan to be a burden to them. It's the greatest gift I can give them. lol

Pinz


78 posted on 11/27/2005 7:17:44 PM PST by pinz-n-needlez
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To: newzjunkey

You could do what the Eskimos use to do.


79 posted on 11/27/2005 7:47:45 PM PST by Boazo (From the mind of BOAZO)
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To: LoudRepublicangirl
I live about a mile from their home and won't even consider moving to the next county because I want to stay close to them.

We also live close to my parents (approx 1/2 mile). Dad is 61 and Mom is five years younger. They help us out and help with the kids now. We will help them when they get older. If we move before they are gone, it will be to a home we all share (once the kids are out of the house). We also have an autistic child, so figure we will have a full house!

80 posted on 11/27/2005 7:55:09 PM PST by conservative cat
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