51st Way to Leave Your Lover

Special to FreeRepublic ^ | 26 November 2005 | John Armor (Congressman Billybob)

[Congressman Billybob]

My wife, Kemberly, has left. That’s ordinary enough. It happens a few million times a year, assuming that half of all American divorces are the wife’s idea. But this is about the why, not the what, of that decision.

The why is unique, and extraordinary. If I were she, and she were I, I would do the same thing. (Work on it. That sentence is grammatically correct.)

My wife has been offered the job of Head Chef of a new restaurant out of town, to be built and run to her specifications. To that you say, well, some commuter marriages work. Not this time. The restaurant is a few miles outside Pago Pago in American Samoa. And that is 8,000 miles from my home in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Our situation raises an interesting philosophical question. Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along?

Here’s our story. The Internet recounted its beginning, so it’s appropriate it should recount its end. We began with serendipity, a Newsweek recommendation of my column that brought me together with a lady from Indiana who read it. We end with serendipity, also.

Anyone with skills as a chef, and manager, and caterer, would jump at the opportunity to run a brand-new, four-star restaurant, if such an opening came to his/her attention. A fair number of you are closet chefs. You watch the Food Network. You think maybe you could chuck your humdrum day job and build a satisfying future with a special food product, or a brand-new restaurant. You know who you are. I saw you smile.

But opportunities like that aren’t advertised in the paper. Like much else which appears in the newspapers, things aren’t what they claim. You can rest assured that a help wanted ad that says it offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime,” doesn’t.

Here’s the story behind this story. Back in June, Kem made a business trip to American Samoa. The population is about 67,000, but of those the ones who come from mainland US or other nations are a smaller group and everyone knows everybody. When anyone new shows up, the residents get to know him/her promptly. It’s the equivalent of waiting for the stage in the American West a century ago.

Anyway, it turns out that a group of businessmen were interested in creating a new, four-star restaurant near Pago Pago. They knew what they wanted, but not who would do it. Enter a talented woman from North Carolina. Everybody invites each other in that group home for dinner. (There ain’t a lot of nighttime entertainment in Samoa.)

So, the folks on the island found out that Kem is a fine cook. They also found out that she knows her way around commercial equipment and management for kitchens, and multiple styles of cooking from many nations. To make a long story short, she had an opportunity to become Head Chef, and partner, with full creative control.

She looked at three possible locations for the restaurant, two for new construction and one a mansion with wrap-around porches overlooking the Pacific. Think of the architecture and environment described in Somerset Maugham’s famous short story, “Rain.” He was living on Samoa when he wrote that.

Kem has not described to me how long it took her to consider this offer that came out of the blue. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings worse by telling me that her delay was measured in nanoseconds rather than days or weeks. In any event, she returned to North Carolina, and immediately told me the good news (or bad news, depending on your viewpoint).

I understood right away how incredible this opportunity was for her, and why she wanted to accept it. So, instead of getting hysterical, I’ve worked with her on such details as getting a long-term, no-cut contract, and possible copyright issues with the name of the restaurant. So there you have it; probably the most extraordinary reason for the end of a marriage that you’ve ever heard.

Will I miss Kem? You bet. Do I wish her well? Absolutely. Since many readers of my columns are friends of both of us, drop her a line care of my address and I’ll get it to her. And if you’re in Pago Pago in about 14 months, look her up at the club, have “a Thanksgiving dinner that can’t be beat,” and say hello.

About the Author: John Armor is a First Amendment attorney and author who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. John_Armor@aya.yale.edu

[deadhead]

"I am so sorry to see that you could think God could "HATE" anything. The God I serve is a God of love...not hate."

I agree, trussell. The God I 'love' does not 'hate'.

[miele man]

John/BB

I can understand your confusion. I was not referring to you in post 136. I was responding to a comment made in post 89. It was quite strange in my opinion. If you will re-read post 89, I'm sure you will see the reason I was confused by poster Hunble's comment.

miele man

[Desdemona]

You say that work related stuff just isn’t important to you. I would argue that it is, otherwise, you would not have gone into business for yourself and you would not have the honesty and integrity to turn down potential business. You just value your time, are not a workaholic, recognize futility when you see it (and act on it, which some of us wish we could do in our own jobs) and want to keep a balance. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

There is a danger in many businesses/organizations right now that seem to demand blood, sweat, tears and even your soul for the “privilege” of working for them. You recognize it. Some of us are caught in that and have to claw our way into having any sort of balance in life (and will walk away when we can). If advancing in the world financially means giving up what makes life worth living – the arts, baseball, gardening, cooking and moral living – then I’ll stay where I am, thank you.

The question is, what of passions that take time or that have chances of a lifetime? There are such fields. I happen to be a singer. I have more than once taken off for a few weeks to sing overseas in choral and operatic programs – one in a VERY cool, completely historic place – which, for me, were chances of a lifetime. It wasn’t a business venture and spent my own money to go, but it was still the chance of a lifetime. At the same time, it is quite well recognized that music is one of the most selfish professions (for me it’s more of an avocation) on this earth. But, that doesn’t mean that it comes before anything else. I’d give it up in a heartbeat for family.

It’s all a matter of perspective, I guess. We all have our own. I’m seeking someone who understands passions like mine and who understands that staying home on a Friday night with an itchy throat and aches in some not so good places is a prudent move. (Too many performances coming up to risk it.)

At any rate, the best of luck to you.

[trussell]

Thank you for your reply. We serve an awesome God...one who loves us unconditionally.

Blessings.

[deadhead]

You're Welcome :-) Blessings to you and yours.

[deadhead]

God is love. When we meet our maker, he will judge us. It is my belief that God does not 'hate' anyone. Take Care, got to go....

[deadhead]

"It is my belief that God does not 'hate' anyone."

I should have written:

"It is my belief that God does not 'hate'

[Nita Nupress]

My roots are deep into the soil of North Carolina. I live in a house that belonged to my grandparents, and in due time should go to my grandchildren.

Finally, something I can understand about this entire situation -- a sense of "roots."

FWIW, I think there must be a lot more to this story than you've told us. Otherwise, I'd have to think the both of you just don't take your marriage vows seriously. And if there's not more to this story than you've told us, I don't want to know so don't tell me. It would be way too disappointing.

About those "roots"... After I said "yes" to my husband's marriage proposal but well before I said, "I do," I made him promise he would never try to take me out of my beloved Texas. I'm not sure what I would have done if he had refused to make me that promise. Fortunately, I never had to face that situation.

I'm sorry that you did. I wish the best of luck to both of you.

[HitmanLV]

Believe me, I'm not concerned about crossing them. Given choice, I'd just rather not deal with them: they are more difficult to deal with than they compensation they offer me.

Lucky for me, I have that choice. :-)

[conservative in nyc]

American Samoa's a long way from anywhere - 2,600 miles from Honolulu and 4,700 miles from the West Coast. It's served by two flights a week to Honolulu. The only other way off the islands is via the independent country of Samoa, and even flights to there are limited. This isn't like being in Hawaii or even Guam, where it's much easier to leave for bigger pastures when struck with island fever.

According to the Department of the Interior, 90% of the land is communally owned, and cannot be purchased by anyone who's not at least half Samoan. (Would this survive a Constitutional challenge?) Even most of the U.S. National Park of American Samoa is leased by the U.S. government from American Samoan families. The American Samoan government runs its own immigration and customs, and the DoI piece makes it sound like even U.S. citizens can't stay for more than 30 days without the approval of the AS Attorney General. Persons born in American Samoa are U.S. nationals, but not U.S. citizens, which I think is unique among U.S. territories. And socialized health care is the norm in American Samoa, and is reportedly very, very bad.

The island's economy is primarily based on two tuna canneries, which owe their existence to a special U.S. tax law that may expire this year (although a one-year extension is in a House bill that is likely to be passed). Due to its location, lack of tourist infrastructure, and dearth of connections to the outside world, tourism is virtually nonexistent. (The independent nation of Samoa sees more tourists, mainly from Australia and New Zealand).

American Samoa seems like a very risky place to open up a gourmet restaurant. And it would be very difficult for Congressman Billybob to follow her there - according to lawsource.com, American Samoa doesn't even have a U.S. federal district court.

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup of any marriage. I wish you all the best of luck.

[MoJo2001]

*YAWN*
Thanks for giving me facts about American Samoa. I most certainly wouldn't have known anything about American Samoa or Samoans.

Thank God for conservatives in NYC to tell MoJo otherwise.

Hehe!

[HitmanLV]

Yea, I agree. One of the reasons I went into biz for myself was that I wanted to make great money and also have free time and flexibility. My dad was a career civil servant, came home every night at 5:30 to be with his family. We had dinner together every night and he was interested in his children, schooling, and fun things.

That was worth more to him than going out for drinks after work to network, working crazy overtime, etc. He never made more than $35k a year, I think.

Anyway, I put the cards on the table and realized I wanted to make great money AND be the kind of dad he was (and is). I could have sweat blood at some of the law firms I worked with, as you say, and be expected to be grateful to my masters. Not for me. I don't like my livelihood in the hands of people I don't trust. So I had to do it on my own. So far, so good. :-)

I agree there are some passions that might be rewarding, but I do think in the overwhelming majority of cases that's not the case. I talk with people all the time and within 5 minutes of them telling me that they have a very fulfilling career, more often than not they are telling me how much it sucks and how it's playing holy hell with their personal life.

"So quit the F'n job," is my response.

They can't do it. Too fulfilling, I guess. I think they are crazy. They think I'm crazy. There's no middle ground - no happy place where we can have a meeting of the minds. It's best I stay in my world, and they in theirs. :-)

[HitmanLV]

Do I have to tell you what's 40 or so miles West of Sumatra?

[gitmo]

John / Billybob,

I am sorry to read this. May the Good Lord watch over you both.

[newberger]

I replied rather harshly in #52 but now realize that your column has to have reflected a much more complicated reality. Unfortunately, your 700 word limit made it sound very glib.

I really believe that divorce is the scourge of our country and conservatives no less than liberals or secularists are finding themselves divorcing in epidemic numbers.

My concern is that your column could add to that among Freepers and oters. I don't think that that is at all your intent.

You and Kemberly are in my prayers.

Paul (aka Newberger)

[Alamo-Girl]

What a bizarre turn of events. You must truly love her to let her go. May God bless you both!

[willyboyishere]

She will probably be back in a year or two. I think you are counting on that. At this point she doesn't know apparently that the restaurant business is difficult enough anywhere, let alone American Samoa, and Pago Pago.
She may need to get this out of her system. She WILL be back---the question is, will YOU have the forebearance to take her back,and "start over where you left off"? NOW---aren't you sorry you posted this??

[Al Simmons]

"And what are his values? He has a rather cavalier attitude about the breakup of his marriage? DID you read the article? I was shocked to read this liberal trash on FR."

Ooooohh...Mommabear, you are *SMOKIN*!!!!!!

Proper!

[Zeroisanumber]

Sorry that your life left you, but why not live in American Samoa? You could spend your days wearing sharkskin suits and sipping martinis, and every night eat at your wife's restaurant.