Posted on 11/09/2005 3:17:00 PM PST by Congressman Billybob
Like you, I receive a pile of e-mails every day, beyond those my spam blocker catches. They offer to lower my mortgage rate, increase the size of a certain part of my body, or (often) offer me something that might be funny. Below is one of those, exactly as I received it. Following that are some serious points to consider.
Enjoy. Then think about it.
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn to not feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Mr. Smith
Okay, you’ve had a chuckle. Now the serious points.
Whenever the government gives anything away for free, demand will always exceed supply. Furthermore, some of the recipients will resent the government anyway, because someone else seems to have gotten more than they did.
This is a universal truth, and one proof is in free education for all in public schools through the 12th grade. Here, the recipients are actually expected to do something in return for what is given to them. They are expected to read the books, do the homework, and pass the classes. As a result, about 30% of the students refuse the free education, and drop out.
When there are complaints about what the government is giving away for free, the solution cannot be more give-aways on top of the present ones. As I said one time at the Baltimore City Planning Commission, building more highways to solve traffic congestion is like killing rats by feeding them to death.
More broadly, this is why Aristotle defined pure democracy as a “corrupt” form of government. Under such a system, the voters will ultimately vote themselves into the bankruptcy of their economy. This happened in New York City a generation ago. It is happening now in California. And in nations as diverse as France and Venezuela. America did not start with a pure democracy here, but with a democratic republic. And that, being a republic, has made all the difference, if, as Franklin said on the steps of Independence Hall, “if you can keep it.”
Just a suggestion: when you consider any government program, existing or proposed, ask yourself this question. Are we raising more non-existent hogs here? The answers you reach could be useful.
To return to the theme of humor speaking truth, P.J. O’Rourke offered the following observation on the costs of free government programs, “If you think health care is expensive now, wait and see what it costs when it’s free.”
About the Author:
John Armor is a First Amendment attorney and author who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. John_Armor@aya.yale.edu
John / Billybob
That is funny. Thanks.
Too funny!
Surplus hogs can be used in the manufacture of ammunition to be employed in the Last Jihad.
Yep, free is usually not. My state of Wyoming is concerned becasue it costs more to store the free food for free school lunches than the food would cost to buy as needed.
All the "not raising hogs" jobs are going overseas.
Correct. The politcal class has run amuck. At this point in California's history the Republican Party is sponsoring the pork. Next election cycle it may be the Democrats but regardless of the sponsor, their blunt instrument is always the mob.
I may be wrong but I don't think Hog growers get paid for not raising hogs. I think that it is the misconceptions about the farm bill which make people hate it.
Ping.
And remember: Bulls make money, Bears make money, but Hogs get slaughtered.
A Day in the Life of a Farmer
5:00 am Wake up
5:30 Check on hired man
6:00 Coffee at Casey’s
7:00 Coffee at Kum & Go
7:45 Check scratch-offs and lottery numbers
8:00 Drop wife off at real job
8:15 Slow drive around sections to check corn & beans
8:30 Stop by elevator to check LDP rate and watch grain unload
8:45 Fire up tractor and block lanes on highway into town
9:00 Coffee break
9:30 Check mail for gov’t check
10:00 Listen to farm report on the radio
10:15 Stop at bank
10:30 Return to post office to complain about late gov’t check
11:00 Listen to farm report update on radio
11:30 Start thinking about lunch
11:31 Return to co-op to price feed, drink free coffee, complain about it not being fresh, and flirt with office girls
11:45 Check implement dealer for latest hats and jackets
12:00 pm Lunch
12:45 Bull session
1:00 Stop at home for Maalox and bathroom break
1:15 Begin painting shed
1:20 Break from painting shed
1:30 Catch Jeopardy on TV
2:00 Regis & Kelly
2:30 Days of Our Lives
2:35 Nap
3:00 Cartoons
3:15 Check out newest girl on Weather Channel
3:20 Call for price on new pickup
3:30 Final market check
3:45 Call commodities broker
4:00 Gas up pickup and chat with the gang
4:30 Check with accountant about deduction idea
5:00 Pick up wife from real job
5:15 Visit with wife while she cooks dinner
5:30 Dinner
5:45 Visit with wife while she washes dishes, picks up, and throws in a load of
laundry
6:00 REST AFTER ANOTHER HARD DAY !!!
Funny post, but there is no such subsidy.
To any and all doubters, I can indeed attest to there actually being a chain of convenience stores in the Midwest by this name.
One shudders to think how the waitresses are dressed.
On Monday staytrue posted this :
DEAR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE, (spoof)
urbansurvival.com ^ | 11-7-05 | unknown
Posted on 11/07/2005 8:37:38 AM PST by staytrue
DEAR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE,
MY FRIENDS DARRYL AND JANICE OVER BY BIG TIMBER, MONTANA RECENTLY RECEIVED A CHECK FOR $3,980 FROM THE GOVERNMENT FOR NOT RAISING HOGS. SO, I WOULD LIKE TO GO INTO THE NOT RAISING HOGS BUSINESS MYSELF VERY SOON. . . .
You need to find out why Montanans get paid $3,980 to not raise hogs while the Iowans only get $1000! This is outrageous!
Waitresses? We're talking about a convenience store here, not a restaurant.
And don't be talkin' smack about Midwest waitresses. They're the biggest thing in town...next to the prize hog.
The ancient original of this letter was a farmer who heard about his neighbor being paid to not raise corn - which was actually done - and inquiring whether the program could be extended to not raising hogs.
The Honorable Ann M. Veneman
U.S. Department of Agriculture
1400 Independence Ave. S.W.
Washington, DC 20250
Dear Madame:
My friend Joe Skinner receives $25,000 a year from the government for not growing corn. I now want to get into not growing corn too.
Do you know what is the best land not to raise corn on, and which seed corn not to raise?
I would prefer not raise any gentically-modified corn, but if this were not acceptable I would not raise Pioneer or Latham's also.
Joe has grown corn for 20 years and never made more than $15,000 for his troubles, except this year when he made $25,000 for not raising 160 acres of corn.
Can I get $50,000 for not growing 320 acres of corn or $100,000 for not growing 640 acres of corn?
I plan to start small by not planting 80 acres, but would like to grow to not planting maybe 640 acres.
To think someday I can make a half million dollars not raising corn has me very excited. I think this is a great program!
Now I understand you also pay farmers not to grow hogs as well. Would you also pay me for the the hogs that I agree not to raise?
What breed of hog would it be best not to raise?
As each hog I would not raise would not eat 100 bushels of corn I would not grow, this would make for a very efficient operation for me.
Yours truly,
Sidney Pletcher
Goldfield, Iowa
Kudos sir.
THAT is funny.
When I was a young man I tried not raising cain. But I failed.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.