BOOK REVIEW: Raising Boys Without Men by Peggy Drexler, Ph.D.

Blog Critics ^ | October 10, 2005 | Teri Stoddard

[teri in cali]

Raising Boys Without Men by Peggy Drexler, Ph.D. Benefit to society or slap in the face to fathers?

If you're a single or lesbian mom who is raising a boy without his father and you want assurance that you can raise him to be a decent man, “Raising Boys Without Men” is the book for you. Peggy Drexler takes us on a feel-good journey through the lives of several boys being raised by single moms and lesbian couples.

What she found was these boys were essentially the same as the boys being raised in heterosexual families. She states, “I came to see that good, loving, growth-encouraging parenting is what sons need. Parenting, moreover, is not anchored to gender. Parenting is either good or deficit, not male or female…”

The women had, on the most part, thought long and hard about becoming mothers. Many were single-by-choice, some used in vitro fertilization and some adopted. These mothers knew they were on the cutting edge of society and were especially proud and concerned about doing a good job. Its no wonder Drexler found that these boys were exceptional in some areas. She describes the moms as having “the wherewithal to develop a parenting style that was both intense and considered.”

The mothers Drexler studied were not average single and lesbian mothers. These mothers had advantages that many single mothers don't have. They were “older...better educated and more financially secure than average moms.” These families “turned out to be an extremely stable group.” This book gives some good ideas for situations that might come up for the reader, but I’d be concerned if all women assumed they would have it this easy.

Drexler admits, “As a specialist in the study of gender, I am extremely sensitive to the bad rap against mothers.” It disturbs me that Drexler writes “…fathers seem to carry much less responsibility for the problems their sons may have.” In reality there are fathers worldwide fighting to be more involved in their sons and daughters’ lives.

For instance, when it comes to child custody in America women are given sole custody in 84% of the cases. Fathers who want equal custody, equal time, and equal responsibility are usually only given 14% of their children’s time and are degraded to “visitor.”

Studies show many divorcing and single mothers see no value in a continued relationship between their children and their father. Drexler touches on this conceit when she says “There's really no research to back up this notion of maternal omnipotence, but it sticks to us like glue.”

Even though Drexler states that gender doesn’t determine the quality of a person’s parenting she paints fathers in a negative light throughout this book. She makes statements like, “Cultural myth teaches us that to become a man, a boy must toughen up, turn away from his mother, and identify with his more aggressive father. This notion not only separates boys from their mothers; it can also propel them toward destructive men and destructive tendencies.”

Drexler states, “In our society, often we idealize and elevate the role of father in a boy's life without giving credence to the fact that actual fathers can be destructive and a boy may be better off without his father.” This is a common problem for today’s men. From insulting advertising campaigns to the Violence Against Women Act that provides no services for battered men, fathers are put down and devalued.

Erin Pizzey, founder of the first battered women’s shelter wrote in her 2005 commentary Domestic Violence Is Not A Gender, “The feminisation of the family and Western society has caused men to become outcasts and a source of ridicule in their children’s eyes.” I believe Drexler’s book is one example as she suggests, “Could it be that today's single and two-mother families are creating a new norm? …The boys...may even make better men.”

I believe with the right attention and efforts a responsible single mother or lesbian couple can raise a boy to be a decent man. I know because as a single mother I did it. Do I think it’s the ideal? I do not. It would be nice to see Drexler do a book on fathers raising daughters without their mothers. I know many men she could interview.

Feminist4Fathers

[keithtoo]

HORSE-*&%&*&%*!!!

[OB1kNOb]

Where's the BARF ALERT !

[ClearCase_guy]

These families “turned out to be an extremely stable group.”

In otherwords, her study is based on very typical households in which a single parent (female) raises one or more children with style and grace.

NOT.

The happy story she describes can be a true story. But it is not typical. You have to really juggle your sample to get that outcome. And it looks like she did.

[Izzy Dunne]

These mothers knew they were on the cutting edge of society

We had a different name for it way back when.

[oh8eleven]

Peggy Drexler takes us on a feel-good journey through the lives of several boys being raised by single moms and lesbian couples. What she found was these boys were essentially the same as the boys being raised in heterosexual families.
Bull$hit, bull$it, bull$hit.

[pabianice]

What bullshit. My dad died when I was 15 and the loss is indescribable.

[Izzy Dunne]

the fact that actual fathers can be destructive and a boy may be better off without his father.

I have no doubt that this is 100% true, in certain cases.

The danger is in the idea that it's true IN GENERAL.

[theFIRMbss]

Hey, and lots of folks
win the lottery! You don't
need a job, just play!

[adgirl]

Gee whiz that's not biased at all. Oh wait I meant B.S.ed. Dad's are important. It's ridiculous to say they aren't. What kind of agenda is this woman trying to set forth? Maybe she thinks she can do it all, but I can't and I don't want to.

[darkangel82]

Wasn't this posted here before?

[mlc9852]

"These mothers knew they were on the cutting edge of society and were especially proud"

There is absolutely NOTHING to be proud of here.

[TNCMAXQ]

It annoys me like the single women we saw in the aftermath of the Katrina debacle who cried about poverty yet they kept having children despite the inability to support or care for them.

[Americanexpat]

More Gay propaganda.

[SMARTY]

"The mothers Drexler studied were not average single and lesbian mothers. These mothers had advantages that many single mothers don't have. They were “older...better educated and more financially secure than average moms.”

Very skewed= worthless data.

[mlc9852]

My dad died when I was 5 (had a 3 yr old brother and 1 1/2 yr old sister). It is incredibly difficult for children to not have a father, I don't care what this crazy woman says. I speak from experience. And a good father - not just a sperm-donor.

[Disambiguator]

Peggy Drexler, Ph.D., is a research psychologist who has worked with children over many years, starting with her service as a Clinician and Lecturer at the New York Hospital/Cornell Medical School, continuing at Stanford University as a Gender Scholar, and now as an Assistant Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry at the Weill Medical College of Cornell University.

Dr. Drexler's book Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men will be published by Rodale Press in August, 2005. The book is based on her extensive research of boys raised in two-parent lesbian, heterosexual and single mothers by choice, and circumstance families.

Dr. Drexler has published her research in the Village Voice, Los Angeles Times, Newsday, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, San Francisco Examiner, Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, Gender and Psychoanalysis, In the Family, and S.l. Journal on Gender. Her opinion pieces have been published by the Christian Science Monitor, Anchorage Daily News, Sacramento Bee, and the online publications Women's eNews and The Nando Times.

Until recently, Dr. Drexler was a member of the Board of Directors at the New York University Child Study Center. Before moving to New York, she was also a member of the Advisory Board at the San Francisco Day School, and a member of the Advisory Committee on psychology education at San Francisco's McAuley Institute, St. Mary's Hospital and Medical Center.

Dr. Drexler is often consulted as an expert on the changing American family and the lives of boys by publications such as the New York Times, USA Today, Los Angeles Times, Seattle Times and Cosmopolitan and Child magazines, as well as by television journalists. Reuters Health TV and the Vital Voice have produced features on her work. Dr. Drexler is a frequent speaker at conferences and schools around the United States, including Harvard Medical School and Harvard Law School.

Peggy Drexler and her husband have been married 36 years. Together they have two children ages thirteen and twenty-seven and currently live with their teenage daughter and two yellow Labrador Retrievers in New York.

[The Right Stuff]

Yes, and the NY Times uncritically interviewing a 22 year old girl with SIX children. All doomed to another generation in abject poverty.

[grellis]

Geez, right out of the gate...

If you're a single or lesbian mom who is raising a boy without his father...

Not all single moms choose to be raising a child without a father. The very fact that single moms are being lumped together with lesbian mothers makes me realize that I don't give a rat's ass what the rest of the article says.

What a timesaver!

[Campion]

Even though Drexler states that gender doesn’t determine the quality of a person’s parenting she paints fathers in a negative light throughout this book. She makes statements like, “Cultural myth teaches us that to become a man, a boy must toughen up, turn away from his mother, and identify with his more aggressive father. This notion not only separates boys from their mothers; it can also propel them toward destructive men and destructive tendencies.”

Drexler states, “In our society, often we idealize and elevate the role of father in a boy's life without giving credence to the fact that actual fathers can be destructive and a boy may be better off without his father.”

It's really hard to exaggerate just how evil garbage like this is.