Welcome To Canada, Eh?

National Lampoon Magazine ^ | by Matt Blair & Justin Skinner

[Mongeaux]

Hey, buddy! Canada here! We were all really excited when we heard aboot all you Democrats moving up here after the Christian Conservatives took over your country.

But it's been like months, now, eh? We figured maybe you got stuck in traffic at first. But now we think maybe you're not coming after all. We wouldn't want to be pushy or anything, but have you given us a fair shot?

Even though we're right next door, most Americans don't know anything aboot Canada. (And we're cool with that. We wouldn't want to impose. We're probably not that interesting anyway. How are you doing?)

The truth is, though, Canada has a lot to offer an American Liberal. Check it out:

[Mongeaux]

Funny funny stuff.

[decal]

Does Pat O'Rourke still write for the Lampoon? This looks like something he'd write (you should consider that a compliment, btw).

[Mongeaux]

Canada's other official language is French, though only a small portion of the population speaks it. For those of you who are—rightfully— wary of the French, they're easy to spot even when they aren't speaking. They're the ones who smell like cheese and for whom the rest of Canada is perpetually apologizing.

[Ciexyz]

"Oh Canada" bump.

[goldstategop]

O Canada, our home and liberal land... we march backwards for thee

(Denny Crane: "Sometimes you can only look for answers from God and failing that... and Fox News".)

[GeronL]

crashed my browser. I got to the part where you get free meals for 2 at Appleby's with every abortion...

[JLS]

Very, thanks for posting the link.

[Clemenza]

The faggot Anglos in Ontairio aren't any better.

[McGavin999]

Even after the government takes all of our money, though, free healthcare is still too expensive to maintain. To help out, Canada pays our doctors about the same as we pay our garbagemen. This ensures that our prices stay low, and also that our best doctors move to America. Ever worked at a company that was so incompetently run that all the talented people left, and the only people who stuck around were the ones who couldn't get a job anywhere else? Now imagine all those people with stethoscopes!

I couldn't stop laughing! Hard to pick a favorite passage, but the above caused me to almost fall off my chair!

[softwarecreator]

most Canadians live at the very bottom of it—think of us as spooning with America for warmth!

LOL!!

[fishbabe]

So good,you'd swear they were conservatives....

[Ciexyz]

Tres amusant.

[EveningStar]

Attention South Park ping list! I know this ain't South Park but it's still pretty funny! Enjoy!

[Mongeaux]

Ontario
Think: private school kids with public school educations
Populated by: Upwardly mobile Canadians, which is even less impressive than it sounds
The Part Where No one Lives
Think: barren wasteland
Populated by: several lunatics
West Coast
Think: LA, minus the Mexicans and with more hash
Populated by: pot-smoking hackysack enthusiasts
Quebec
Think: France, except closer and more difficult to ignore
Populated by: French people, sadly
The Maritimes
Think: Ireland with lobsters
Populated by: drunk, out of work little people

[Clemenza]

I went to Canada, but wasn't particularly pleased when two locals named Terrence and Phillip "saluted" me in their own pecularily Canadian way. They also had some a-s ugly heads up there.

[Nam Vet]

I really learned a lot aboot Canada I didn't know. The temperature and population diagrams were particularly informative. 8^)

Nam Vet

[T'wit]

Just back from a visit to the Maritimes -- or as they put it, "Ireland with lobsters." I'm here to tell you, either Ireland or lobsters would have been an improvement. Among the better scenic attractions were fog, water and the bottom of the Bay of Fundy. Gasoline was four bucks a gallon.

[Clemenza]

BWAHAAA! Being that I live 1 hour and 45 minutes from Vancouver, you are correct about the West Coast, to say nothing of Ontario or Quebec, where I have traveled several times.

BTW: What about Manitoba (North Dakota without the excitement) or Alberta (what do you mean we're part of Canada?)?

[EveningStar]

[EveningStar]

Does Pat O'Rourke still write for the Lampoon? This looks like something he'd write (you should consider that a compliment, btw).

I don't think he writes for them anymore but I could be wrong.

P. J. O'Rourke on Canadians (from his National Lampoon days)