TODAY'S TOP SATIRICAL NEWS HEADLINES

Iconoclast ^ | Marni Malarkey, William Grim, et al

[Apolitical]

AMERICANS THANKFUL TO TOM CRUISE FOR FILLING 'CRAZIES' NEWS VOID AFTER MICHAEL JACKSON ACQUITTED



NEW YORK CITY -- A joint USA Today/CNN poll reveals that 92% of Americans are "grateful" to Tom Cruise for his current behavior, as it prevents them from having to watch "real news, which is so depressing."

The poll indicated that when the Michael Jackson verdict came down, and it was clear Jackson would not be sentenced, much of the public panicked, fearing cable news channels would then go back to covering Iraq, Afghanistan, natural disasters and AIDS in Africa.

"With Cruise's odd behavior, the public can rest assured that the cable news channels, and even the networks, will have scads of pointless news items to fill the airwaves with now," said pollster Bob Malarkey (no relation), who helped conduct the survey............

[Apolitical]

Free Katie Holmes, before it is too late!

[vpintheak]

Being that I don't have cable, I watch a little of the "Early Show" before heading off for work in the morning. I know I shouldn't be, but I was shocked at the complete crap stories that ALWAYS led off their show. Latelt it has been Michael Jackson, and now anything about Cruise. Pathetic.

[hosepipe]

Kidman is no doubt shakeing her head, goin...
"What the hell was I thinking when I married that Moonbat"...

[Dr.Hilarious]

Considering what Jackson, Michael Moore, Bobby Brown, etc. are up to, Cruise acting weird doesn't bother me one bit. He also gets bonus points for making Matt Lauer look even dumber than usual.

[Slings and Arrows]

Ah, Tom Cruise. The Dark Side is strong in this one...
---
This-Is-Not-A-Ping-List ping!

[Freepmail me to get on or off this Not-A-Ping-List.]

[television is just wrong]

Cruise takes himself too seriously. It was reported in a British paper I picked up at local pub, the same reporters squirted Sharon Osbourne with water when they interviewed her. She chased her assailants down with a bucket of water and laughed it off.

Lesson: Tom, life is too fast. I used to adore you. Find your sense of humor. We are NOT all out to get you.

[GRRRRR]

In our top news tonight, Demokratic Presidential nominee, Hillary Klintoon announced her withdrawal from the campaign, citing the continued issues with her political ideology. With the release of her Wellesley Thesis, her Marxist leanings were fully identified. Facing withering questioning from the FReeRepublic.com reporters, she ran away in tears from her last news conference. The ex-senator's running mate, former President Bill Clinton commented, "If it weren't for those mean-spirited right wing nuts, I'd still be President".

This dramatic change in the arena almost guarantees Senator George Allen the win in the 2008 election. Latest polls show the Senator with a 15% lead.

[sirjohn]

Funny thing, he grinned when the kid first squirted him, his first reaction maybe the genuine side, then the ego took over and he began the lecture. If I hadn't seen the grin, which wasn't shown on many clips, I would have thought he was something else.

[SkyPilot]

"Grab a hold of the E-Meter. Do it! Do it now! You have negative energy that was implanted in your brain by aliens eons ago. Do it! Grab a hold now!"

[libs_kma]

"We are NOT all out to get you."

If you are not out to get him, then technically you are correct, but the rest of us.....?

How do you know that WE aren't out to get him and we just didn't include you in the plan?

[television is just wrong]

ok, I get it. But you have to admit, Sharon Osbourne handled it quite well.

[DocRock]

Oh my... I needed a good "belly laugh"! I just hope I didn't wake up the kids! Thanks!

[Slings and Arrows]

My pleasure - glad you enjoyed.

[libs_kma]

Yes, she did. We definately don't have a plan for Sharon Osbourne - yet. :)