Posted on 06/10/2005 4:10:52 PM PDT by scripter
They say opposites attract.
That maxim, in the very simplest of terms, explains much about our former homosexual condition and how we were able to uncover the underlying problems creating it.
As long as we felt that men were the opposite from us, while we identified with women as our sisters, we remained attracted to our opposite -- the mysterious, unknown masculine. To us, it often felt like men were the opposite sex, so being sexually attracted to them felt natural. Initially, at least, we didn't feel homosexual so much as we felt genderless and, lacking sufficient maleness within ourselves, attracted to that which we felt would make us feel masculine and whole.
Every man has a masculine drive. In our case, that drive inadvertently became sexualized. But we also found it could become desexualized as we fulfilled that masculine drive in more emotionally grounded ways.
We discovered the path to healing as we came to understand that, at least in our case, our homosexual feelings were not the problem but were actually symptoms of deeper, underlying problems and long-buried pain that usually had little or nothing to do with erotic desire. Rather, they had to do with our self-identity, self-esteem (especially our "gender esteem"), relationships and spiritual life. Once we discovered and healed the underlying pain, the symptoms of homosexuality began to take care of themselves.
In 2004, People Can Change surveyed the members of its online support groups to determine what they perceived to have been the most significant causes of their developing homosexual feelings in their own lives. We asked about 25 possible factors -- everything from biology to personal choice. More than 200 men responded.
To view the survey summary, click here.
(Keep in mind that this is not a survey of the beliefs of the general "gay" population -- those who have accepted a gay identity and are happy in that life. Rather, it is a survey of the beliefs of those who are seeking to overcome or minimize homosexual desires. Gays may or may not answer these questions differently.)
1. Father-son relationship problems: In the survey, 97% said problems in the father-son relationship while they were growing up contributed to their developing same-sex attractions (SSA) -- and men usually identified it as one of the three most significant factors. (See especially page 6 of the survey.)
2. Conflict with male peers: The same percentage of men who said father-son problems contributed to their SSA -- 97% -- also said problems in their male-peer relationships contributed. And half said it was one of the "top three" factors. (See especially page 7 of the survey.)
Feeling deficient as males, we pined to be accepted and affirmed by others, especially those whose masculinity we admired most. We began to idolize the qualities in other males that we judged to be lacking in ourselves. Idolizing them widened the gulf we imagined between ourselves and so-called "real men." In idolizing them, we increased our sense of our own masculine deficiency.
At the same time that we idolized certain male traits or maleness generally, many of us came to fear other boys and men. Born with unusually sensitive and gentle personalities, we found it was easy for many of us to feel different from and rejected by our more rough-and-tumble peers growing up. We came to fear their taunts and felt like we could never belong. Many of us feared the sports field and felt like we could never compete. Many of us felt rejected by our fathers and feared that we could never measure up or would never really matter to them.
So where did this leave us, as males ourselves? It left us in a Neverland of gender confusion, not fully masculine but not really feminine either. We had disassociated not just from individual men we feared would hurt us, but from the entire heterosexual male world. Some of us even detached from our very masculinity as something shameful and inferior.
3. Mother-son relationships (and the "smothering mother" syndrome): Nine out of 10 survey respondents said aspects of their relationships with their mothers contributed to their SSA. (See especially page 8 of the survey.)
Feeling alienated from the male world, we often found comfort in female companionship. Some of us labeled women and femininity as superior to men and masculinity because we perceived females as more sensitive, accepting and loving. They felt "safer" to be with and to expose our painful emotions to. Instead of ridiculing our sensitive natures, they appreciated them. They didn't expect us to prove we were "man enough," even while we were still just boys. Many of us learned to identify with women and girls as our sisters, our buddies and, inadvertently, even our role models. Our sense of girls as the "same sex" and boys as the "opposite" sex was reinforced.
4. Sexual abuse: 48% of respondents said that, as children or youth, they had been sexually abused by an older or more powerful person. Usually it was by a male, and in those cases, 96% considered the abuse to have contributed to their developing SSA feelings. (See especially pages 8 and 9 of the survey.)
5. Other sexual experiences: 93% said they had had other sexual experiences -- including pornography, sexual fantasy and sex play with other boys -- as children or youth, and of those who did, 93% said they believed these experiences contributed to their SSA feelings. (See especially page 9 of the survey.)
6. Personality traits: 87% said they believed their personality traits were a contributing factor. (See especially page 10 of the survey.)
On the other hand, these were some of the very traits that caused our more rough-and-tumble male peers to taunt us, girls to welcome us into their inner circles, moms to hold onto us more protectively, and dads to distance themselves from us. Perhaps even more problematic, it created within us a thin-skinned susceptibility to feeling hurt and rejected, thus magnifying many times over whatever actual rejection and offense we might have received at the hands of others. Our perception became our reality.
Homosexual Consequences
These and other hurts were oftentimes the problems buried below the surface. Complex, interwoven and painful, they drove us to homosexual relationships in an attempt to find healing. But we found that, for us, acting on these homosexual desires actually worsened rather than lessened the underlying problems. Homosexuality, for us, wasn't the solution; it was an escape from solving the real problems that had caused the symptoms to begin with.
Time alone could never really heal these kinds of deep wounds without our going back to face them, acknowledge them, grieve them, release our legitimate anger over them, take steps to repair the damage they had caused us (to the extent we could), and finally, to forgive and move on.
Go on to "False Starts: What Didn't Work"
Ping - Very interesting reading
As a Dad who would die if one of his boys were gay, I've read this closely, and I'm in the process of following the advice therein.
I just kicked my wife out of the house, and I'm about to go hug both of them.
What a great article. I haven't even finished reading it yet but what I've read so far is what I've believed all along. Fathers are so very, very important to boys. Good, strong, loving, stable fathers. All you dads with sons - please be good to your sons. One good friend of mine who I grew up with is homosexual and has been since like 14 years old. Classic family patterns and he left home and went to live with a middle-aged homosexual. He took care of him and showed him love. That's what he needed. It is so sad really. I believe homosexuality could be reduced if we really work on building strong families.
Can I recommend a book? This book is excellent and what I'd call a must read for parents, especially fathers. Checkout: A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality. You'll be glad you did. There are other places that sell the book if you don't like buying from Amazon, and I can recommend those as well.
Exactly. Strong families are what we need. Less divorce - a lot less. There's a new study out - families are far more important than we realize. Of course I'm being facetious, but sometimes I have to wonder...
Perhaps the most important article I've ever posted.
Interesting reading.
Hmmm, I seem to have arrived before the pro-homo cheerleaders.
I'll try again later.
I actually hope they stay off the thread. What can they say? Men who weren't happy as homosexuals have left the lifestyle and given their reasons.
And from there, following the links at the end of that article.
Also, there's a number of excellent links I inserted as comments.
bookmark
From the back cover:
This fascinating look into the lives of five former homosexuals answers many questions surrounding the possibility of change. Inspirational from start to finish, this documentary describes the process of how some people identified themselves as gay and then how they transitioned to a new heterosexual life. "I Do Exist" demonstrates that change involves more than self-definition. Those who tell their experiences on this film describe profound reorientation of sexual and personal feelings leading to a greater sense of self-awareness and satisfaction.Supplementing the personal stories of change are the observations of psychiatrist Dr. Robert Spitzer, psychology professors Dr. Mark Yarhouse and Dr. Warren Throckmorton and ex-gay advocate Arthur Goldberg. These noted experts give the viewer thought provoking perspectives on the controversial issues surrounding transition of personal sexuality. "I Do Exist" inspires and educates concerning one of the most talked about issues of our time.
Thanks for posting this. It was interesting. As a mom an only son that is sensitive, caring, loving and sweet, that just lost his dad to cancer six months ago it is also scary! Positive male role models I guess is the answer now.
From your profile I see you're a homeschooler and like us, imagine you're part of a homeschool organization. If you are part of an organization, I hope somebody from the group steps forward as a positive role model for your kids...I certainly would if you were in my homeschool group.
Please let me know if I can help in any way.
THIS is a very moving paragraph for me. This is a real concern, for both boys AND girls. It may seem like psychobabble at first, "low gender esteem", but what we popularly define as masculinity and femininity do NOT come "naturally" to all people.
There are many girls who are called "tomboys" growing up. I was one of them. I can definitely attest to feeling mystified by what made other girls "tick". I just wasn't interested in ANY of the things that interested them. I wasn't comfortable around them, wasn't accepted by them, and my mother was pretty distant. I always loved "guy" things like sports, and found that I had a really good rapport with boys, especially my older brother. But boys didn't really want me around either so in effect I was something of a loner. Even now, all of my best and closest friends have been men, and I still feel quite different from most women. But I'm more content with my femininity, even if it isn't what most think it should be.
I think women are beautiful yet in many ways mysterious and sometimes offputting to me. Whereas men make a lot of sense to me and when I was a child I wished I'd been born a boy. Now I'm glad to be what I am.
But what if I'd ever been victimized by one of the boys I hung out with? What if I'd met another girl or a woman who understood me, reached out to me, and perhaps introduced sex into the relationship? What if I'd attended college and tried to fit in by trying lesbian sex (which is really a form of mutual masturbation that is probably quite pleasurable and not painful like sex with men can be). What if I'd joined a sports team and emphasized the "masculine" parts of myself, and taken on more of the characteristics of men? Who knows?!
I had a strong, scriptural upbringing and was active in Christian pursuits from a very young age. I had two parents who stayed together, even though there were a lot of problems. I had a loving, Christian community that accepted me. I had goals that were more important to me (because they were important to God) than just playing sports or being accepted by the world. I've had good role models, male and female. I was taught boundaries and to seek kingdom interests first. I have a relationship with God.
It is also imperative that parents understand the distinction between character differences and personality differences. If you son is sensitive, tasteful, gentle, emotionally expressive and affectionate, these are part of his personality. They are not character defects to be beaten or worked out of him. If your daughter is strong, athletic, logical, autonomous, and doesn't care about shopping or shoes or clothes or makeup, she's not deficient in any way. These are NOT signs of homosexuality! I think treating these kids as if they're different and "gay" makes them more likely to act on those desires if they ever arise.
It seems with a little more progress, prevention will be a subject that can be discussed openly by more public media outlets.
Indeed! If same-sex attraction really is a result of environment and confusion as we think it is, there really is no such thing as signs of homosexuality.
I think treating these kids as if they're different and "gay" makes them more likely to act on those desires if they ever arise.
Exactly. They are only signs that people attribute to something we call homosexuality, when in reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with what we identify as same-sex attraction.
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