Redneck IQ Test

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

Have you seen this?
Got it as an email the other day. I'm a possum

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?
Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes
and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully
understand all the star signs and the people they represent,
we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See
the list below...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender
on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older
Okra can look back over herlife and see the seeds of his
influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if
you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble
backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of
herself ifshe is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In
dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you.
They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish
and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming
curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of
everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven
as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and
tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going
to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a
lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the
physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key
words here. You should marry anybody who you can get
remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy.
You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the
year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's
difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and
develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you
become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This
strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems
to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to
watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind
your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you
work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the
golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend
not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have
very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for
communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life
and share their essence with the essence of those around
them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and
baseball managers. As far as your personal life goesif you
are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in
matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause
problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people
to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even
though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should
stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with
others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big
crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe
you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to
go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs
and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all
thesethings, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate
desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who
know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that
your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will
affect you deeply because you are really much softer than
you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you
want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always
pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to
a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the
setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 ! - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop
a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind
inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some
roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today. You're
almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum
is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

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