Posted on 04/24/2005 6:35:03 PM PDT by TheWriterTX
The last emotion I expected to feel was fear. Yet, there it was, a niggling sensation cinching the pit of my stomach, so dramatically different from my other pregnancies.
I have a good reason to be afraid.
During the several long, and often painful, years that my husband and I attempted to conceive a child, I became accustomed to hiding my grief. When pregnancy tests came back negative, I would slap on a brave face for the world and muffle my sobs into towels behind a locked bathroom door. I can still recall, with bitter clarity, the conflicting tests results – pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant – only to learn that my hostile womb did not accept a fertilized egg. That gentle glow of life had flickered out, allowing me to catch just the briefest glance of its dimming light.
I didn't understand it. My husband and I shared a loving, committed, and stable relationship. We were financially secure and owned a comfortable home. We tried, in all ways, to live by the golden rules. We had so much love in our hearts; a baby would only enhance our joy. We were prepared to make all the sacrifices, to put our children first, to protect, to nurture, to cherish. With each passing month, I grew more despondent, felt more worthless, and saw myself as less than whole.
I placed the matter into God's hands, knowing that He alone created life. Please, Lord, I prayed, show me the way You want me to go. Adopt? Wait? Be a mother to another? I prayed to accept His decision with grace, with a glad heart.
To our supreme delight, He blessed us with a beautiful boy, born just 40 weeks later.
Before the year was out, I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a girl. At 32 weeks, I hemorrhaged. I can still remember my husband's strength on that day, his firm assurances despite the blanching of his face, and how his hands seemed to effortlessly guide me from a dark and horrifying place.
Twelve days later, our beloved girl was home. The days of tubes and needles and beeping machines were over. The days of staggering medical bills had begun. But all of it was worth it, worth it a hundred times over, for the delight of my daughter's voice, the gentle lilt of her laughter, the wonderful smell of her soft skin.
In the two and a half years that have passed, many things have changed. My babies are riding bikes without training wheels, coloring and drawing, saying grace at mealtimes, and playing with friends. We're still struggling to pay off the debt, my endometriosis returned, and my pap-smears have come back with pre-cancer cells. After surgery and a menstrual cycle as frequent and erratic as buck shot fired into a calendar, we believed our days of little feet were over.
But God had other things in mind.
This I know: I am at a very high risk to lose my baby. I am a cancer risk. I am nearing 40, and there is every likelihood my baby will be perilously premature. My heart rate plummeted dangerously during my daughter's c-section and the recovery was terribly slow. By the grace of God, alone, we both pulled through.
I'm afraid that this little one will never know my arms, afraid that he or she won't survive to feel my touch, afraid that I won't survive to touch them.
This I also know: On the day I married, I vowed to accept children lovingly from God. A little soul is already nestled inside me, attached to me forever. God gave me this baby for a reason, and fear will not prevent me from doing everything I can, everything I must, to see it born.
Even if it means my life.
Linda Prussen-Razzano is frequent contributor to Enter Stage Right and a number of other online magazines.
My husband has already insisted that no matter the outcome of this pregnancy (we are truly hoping and praying for the best), he will get a vasectomy to prevent future pregnancies. He does not want to lose me, not when we have a 3 and 4 year old to raise.
God bless you and your precious son. When I was young, my mom did volunteer work at the CP Center in Roosevelt, New York. I remember accompanying her when I was in kindergarten. Half the day in kindergarten, and half the day with Mommy helping her mother other people.
It taught me an appreciation for all that I had at a very young age, and a compassion for people who were facing daily challenges I never dreamed of. I made friends with another young girl who of the same age who shared my name, and even though she couldn't talk to me, she could laugh her delight, and express her emotions through single syllable vocalizations. I still remember her and her beautiful blond hair to this day.
My OB advised that if the cancer does come back, he will consider a hysterectomy and my insurance would probably cover it.
You and the baby are in our prayers....
Logan, Beth & Nana
Thank you so much for this information! I will definitely look into it.
Persistant prayers for you and this lil one, and the whole family too, of course.
Thanks, as ususal, for the heads up.
As of right now, you need to have positive thoughts, and also nurture your child in utero. We'll keep a vigil going as long as it takes.
Enjoy the bedrest, because you'll not get it after you have the baby. 8-p
I am praying for you now. You are in my thoughts more than you can possibly know. This gift of God, this child's world is already warm and wonderful because of your love.
What lives are lived in the dark of our womb we cannot know, but this much is certain; our love is wrapped around them constantly, and they are undeniably, indescribably loved even now. May God give us the strength to love fully, even in the face of uncertainty...
I clean our home often.
Meaning who can be in our circle of Conservative freinds.
I just recently closed seasons with a few people who drained us instead of Lifting up Our woes to the Lord.
I am who I am and the best in my field only because I trust the Book and it's teachings.
Now what is odd since we had to end a few relationships. Not men or deep just folks who asked for help then did not help themselves....
Today a woman who met my son a few years back and is of the same disability has called on him to possibly share his social life and get her out there too, as the Lord will allow.
So exciting my human self is wild in thoughts...
We closed out the negative and Christ has open another door.....we also have folks who are taking care of elderly loved ones asking how to do bath time and other care without tension.
Boy do I have answers. Also I have homemade ideas for fun spa gifts using the santioned skin care stuff and no I am not in business but if my training catches on and Ikes it is I ask for the gift to be put back into making costs covered.
I think trusting and praying in HIS way and not OUR way will keep wheels churning.
Meanwhile MISSY, put a pillow up on how you type so not to cause any abdominal contractions.
Let the floors go, let it all go because if you start thinking of your work it will induce contractions.
This is a Holy time to be a very self serving woman. We all want your baby to come to term.
Our Prayers up for you and the sweet bud in your uterus...
Can I recomend you being a no brainer hippy???? Anything to relax/
King Vanity and I Love your lil bellie.
When the contractions come on take your mind to wonderful loving times with your husband....but not to exciting...go for after glow.
Prayers up for a delicate belly.
Chill.......Girl
Update....A gal like my son who met him briefly a few years ago is calling him for a social date.
LMAO The lord works in mysterious ways indeed...may it be a day or a season it has him kicking Anjolie to the curb. LOL
And a non bump to your sweet womb...I will take all the hard hits for you even the huge mammory stuff...Peace be with you OP and KV
I'll continue to remember you in my prayers.
Best to you and that precious cargo you're carrying:-)
God Bless...
I am joining in prayer for you and your precious family.
Healthy as a horse! Momma is recovering nicely.
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