American Mothers' Anxiety Sparks 'Perfect Madness'

Reuters ^ | 4/20/05 | Reuters

[qam1]

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - American women are anxious these days and no wonder: They've been vilified as inadequate mothers, desperate housewives, lackluster academic scientists and -- most rudely -- too fat to be French. These characterizations have come in guilt-edged packaging on television, in newspapers and a raft of non-fiction books about the plight of U.S. women in the 21st century.

One of the most celebrated new works takes aim at the fallacy of having it all as a mother. Author Judith Warner dubbed the problem, and her book, "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety."

It isn't just about the challenges of motherhood, Warner said in a Reuters interview. Rather, it's a revisiting of the same kinds of frustration American women voiced in the first wave of modern feminism, back in the 1960s.

Warner, an American who lived in France for the births of her two daughters, returned to the United States to find a complicated, expensive, often baffling world, where grown women dressed in the same styles as their children, were too tired to think about sex and felt compelled to spend their evenings at such child-centered events as Girl Scout cookie meetings.

She re-read "The Feminine Mystique," Betty Friedan's ground-breaking 1963 book outlining the dissatisfactions of American women in the mid-20th century, "just to see what parallels I could find."

"I was shocked by the degree to which women's inner monologues were similar," Warner said. "The world had changed enormously since the early '60s, but the kind of pressure that women put on themselves, the kind of failure they felt like they were always facing, was very, very similar."

The first chapter of Friedan's book was called "The Problem That Has No Name," and described the American woman's life: "As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night -- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question -- 'Is that all?"'

For the women in Warner's book, though, the question seems to be, "Will anything ever be enough?"

As Warner wrote of contemporary mothers: "The moms' lives were punctuated by boxer shorts on the floor and quilt-making at school, carpooling and play dates and mother-daughter book clubs, and getting in to see the right dentist ... and, and, and, layer after layer of trivia and absurdity that sometimes made them feel like they were going out of their heads."

An earlier generation of American women seemed able to deal with the demands of work and family, but Warner said this latest wave of post-baby boom mothers is different.

"We inherited a world that was created for us by women in the generation right before us, without really seeing any of the struggles or battles that went into creating that world," Warner said. "We've been a very competitive generation, a very materialistic generation and a very perfectionistic generation. and we bring all of that into motherhood now."

Husbands -- who were supposed to be part of the feminist push to give women more choices -- came in for their share of criticism from the dozens of women Warner interviewed.

In one chapter called "Wonderful Husbands," the women in Warner's coffee groups almost uniformly begin sentences about their spouses with the phrase, "I have a wonderful husband, but ..." and then proceed to trash the man's domestic incompetence and overweening sex drive.

Warner's book -- which was splashed on the cover of Newsweek magazine and the front of The New York Times Book Review -- is among a rising chorus of media mentions of problems for some of America's most publicly visible women.

On television, there are the outwardly enviable and inwardly twisted lives of the fictional "Desperate Housewives." A typical scene shows one wife in nothing but a fur coat and red lingerie, interrupting a heavy-breathing session to make sure a messy sandwich doesn't fall off the nightstand.

In academe, there is the mess at Harvard University, where President Lawrence Summers caused a furor in January by suggesting that intrinsic differences between the sexes may help explain why so few women work in the academic sciences.

In the corporate realm, the ouster of Hewlett-Packard chief Carly Fiorina and the much-monitored prison term of Martha Stewart were long-term front-page fare.

One non-fiction best-seller is unlikely to make American women's anxiety go away any time soon. In "French Women Don't Get Fat," Mireille Guiliano, the CEO of Cliquot Inc., tells how she looked like "a sack of potatoes" -- a big restaurant-size sack -- after spending time in the United States.

She slimmed down when she returned to her native France; her book is a light-hearted instruction manual on how to combat the "American way of eating."

[Gabz]

That's great!!!!!

[Gabz]

show off...........

Of course I'm a fine one to talk - roofing, siding, etc!!!

[Gabz]

ROFLMPJO!!!!!!!!!

Plus cook homecooked meals everynight, do the laundry, tend the child and the dogs.........I'm just your typical wimp, I guess.

[annyokie]

LOL I was complimenting you, Sis. Let me know if you need help with that sheetrock.


I'm off to cut the grass on my riding mower...IF I can figure out how to start it, GIRL that I am! ; )

[Gabz]

Bravo!!!!!!!!!!

[Chode]

"The Problem That Has No Name," and described the American woman's life: "As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night -- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question -- 'Is that all?"'

civilization evolved for thousands of years so that finally, American women didn't have to do ANTYHING but take care of the family at home, something two thirds of the worlds women would KILL to be able to do, and their only question is "Is that ALL there is???"

there it is...

[sandbar]

>>>My husband supported our family just fine making less than that, and we had two kids at the time.>>>

What 'time'? $24,000 20 years ago wasn't the same as today.

And in my opinion, you are backward thinking. Good thing I am there to buffer the silly idea that if you are conservative that you have to be stuck at home with babies and couples can't shoulder the parenting. You stay in the middle ages, I'll move forward thank you very much and teach my daughters the same.

[knittnmom]

They've been vilified as inadequate mothers, desperate housewives, lackluster academic scientists and -- most rudely -- too fat to be French

Hm. I think I have a new tag line - how about "Too fat to be French and proud of it!"

[sarasota]

LOL and thanks for the ping.

[mewzilla]

An earlier generation of American women seemed able to deal with the demands of work and family, but Warner said this latest wave of post-baby boom mothers is different.

Gee, just one generation? Makes one wonder how our female ancestors ever managed it.

[annyokie]

Her children are under ten.

[sandbar]

>What are you talking about?
>Your comments are the judgemental ones.

This is what I'm talking about:"Or because they dont stay at home and "do what they do best; Make men better" Paraphrased Ann Coulter.

They need to stay home and take care of children!"

Ignorance abounds!

[Gabz]

LOL!!! you know nitpicking is a way of life for me!

I do not know how to start the riding mower - hubby likes doing that so there is no need for me to learn!

Can't do anything about the sheetrock until after we figure out how to get it delivered - upstairs!

Facia and soffitt and thus roofing starts this weekend.......IF the weather holds.

[sandbar]

>>>Her children are under ten.

Wow, isn't that a little odd to refer to it as "we had two kids at the time"? Have they already packed up and moved out or are you wrong?

[luckystarmom]

I think I understand the trivity of this generation.

My mom did not volunteer at my school, she did not do fundraisers at school, and she did not help me with my homework. She did not cart us all over the place for our activities. She did some, but not that much.

There were kids in our neighborhood to play with, and we went outside whenever we were home. Now, there aren't kids in the neighborhood to play with because there are so many 2 working families. You have to make playdates and drive somewhere to have those playdates.

Housing was cheaper, and my parents had more disposable income. My mom had someone coming to our home once a week to help clean or babysit.

Then there is the sports moms. Their kids are in all sorts of after school activities. They don't do just do one sport, it's a lot of sports. There's soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter, baseball in the spring, and swimming in the summer. Summer time is now spent with kids going to different camps every single week.

Dad's these days work very hard and are not home for dinner or on the weekends. That's if they are lucky to have a stay at home mom.

If there are two working parents, then usually one of the parents is working late or on the weekends. It may not be just the dad.

In the past kids walked to school, and now it is not safe enough. Parents have to drive kids to school.

Lots of neighborhood schools are awful, so parents are opting to send their kids to private school which forces parents to spend their money on education or parents homeschool which then means less time for housework.

I could go on and on.

[sarasota]

Well said, grellis.

[knittnmom]

I can PUSH our mower just fine; but I can never get the blasted thing started without help. So I make sure my sweet husband doesn't get dehydrated while he mows.

[annyokie]

Reading comprehension isn't your long suit, is it? I know she has one that is not quite out of diapers and two that are older.

[annyokie]

I was just teasing. I cut the grass most of the time unless elder son is home and then he does it.

Ah, I forgot to put in that I do all the grocery shopping and errand running for everyone else, e.g., gassing up the vehicles, getting containers of diesel fuel, and running to the Co-op for grass seed and fertilizer, the garden center for flowering plants, etc.

Mr. Okie pays the bills and is the King of the castle...and I get to be the Queen. ; )

[annyokie]

You need to put your foot on the mower deck and PULL HARD (swearing helps, I have found!)