My Pregnant Wife: An Unexpected Target in the Culture Wars

Vanity ^ | 2 Apr 05 | gobucks

[gobucks]

"Don't you dare guilt your wife into having a natural childbirth!", I am told by a nice woman I know at church. I have known this lady for some time, and we have never talked politics. Suddenly, my wife is hot political topic #1. And though the politics are 'under the radar', my wife is clearly a target in the ongoing cultural war.

Until my wife started to dramatically enlarge during this last trimester, comments like these had been few. Now, it is a torrent. "What hospital? What OB? You are getting an epidural, right? What brand of formula do you plan to use (as if we will collapse immediately into the arms of the Enfamil salesman)? You are not going to breast feed too long, are you? Are you on a waiting list yet for infant day care?"

My wife and I, married over 10 years with all kinds of issues associated with getting pregnant are about to be parents of a boy in a few weeks. We are of course, thrilled and overjoyed.

But the political overtones of how we bring him into the world are just unreal. The unending stream of opinion and advice about it, with over 95 percent of it being something like this: "don't be stupid. Get the epidural." We have yet to have a single woman report to us that having her baby in a fully undrugged state was a good idea.

Why is labor today so terrifying for women? Why is it that husbands are being taught that encouraging a woman to experience a full unmedicated delivery is akin to treating her like a barbarian? Heck, I've told my wife I am not the one having the baby, and thus, I'm not about to dictate to her how it should be done; I simply said I like the idea of natural childbirth and that is it. Why is this so politically incorrect? Why are hordes of women pouring out of the woodwork yelling at us to make sure she gets the drugs, the epidural?

What the heck is going on such that bringing a child into the world has to be so .... upsetting?

And these are women at my church! I can just imagine what a hapless secular woman in some lonely cul-de-sac must endure.

I'm a typical Chistian man with a very pregnant wife. I have an atypical enthusiasm for most things associated with FreeRepublic. I'm looking for reports from any of you husbands (or their wives) out there have experienced the kind of unreal cultural pressure my wife and I have undergone as this last trimester winds down.

I have googled around, looking for articles about this - and it is just about nada. Mostly stuff on teen pregnancy and abortion. Zilch regarding ordinary married folks who are being pressured to have a 'modern' birth experience.

I'm I the only one who is seeing how a pregnant woman is somehow a political lightning rod these days?

[Gumlegs]

Interesting read. It's about 180^o out from what my wife and I were hearing when our son was born about 14 years ago, by the way.

You and your wife should do what you think is best. And if your opinions evolve as the situation changes, so what?

Just so you know, my wife breast fed our son until his first two teeth came in. The two teeth met. He thought her reaction was hilarious.

He was weaned so fast he never knew what hit him.

[stevio]

It's hard for a man to tell his wife to go natural. My wife did it for all three of our children. She has never been one for pain, but she was tremendous through it. Not to downplay God's presences in the matter, but she is my hero.

[petitfour]

I agree with you on the needle thing. I hate the thought of a needle in my back, and I equally hate IVs. I understand why it is standard procedure in hospital births, but I would rather be free.

Panic nearly did me in with our last. I credit God with pulling me through.

[Bushforlife]

Fortunately most men are used to the feminine tendency to make every one of their problems in life a gender issue. If they have pain, they can bear it better than a man. If they work, they can work harder and faster than a man. And of course, they are so much smarter than men [many woman are frequently wrong, but NEVER uncertain].

Men who love women anyway in spite of this feminine psychological quirk just accept this as part of the package.

[Tuscaloosa Goldfinch]

I have friends who have eight each, some adopted and some home grown. They are all different shades of the rainbow, ranging from very Caucasian to very dark. One of my friends was in a restaurant, with her children but without her husband, and the waitress was very confused.

Finally she asked the requisite "Are all these yours?"My friend, "Yes." "Is your husband black?" My friend said, "No."The waitress was really confused, but I guess couldn't figure out any other possibilities, so she just shut up. I told her she should have said, "No, but all these children have different fathers."

[Bushforlife]

"Stick with your convictions. People who say things like this [have an epidural] often think more of their pain and less of the child's problems in dealing with drugs, which seems selfish to me.
My childbirth classes had anonymous labor reports that we read to see what labor could be like, and several women had problems with the epidural that caused more pain than normal with labor. Problems with administering the epidural. You can't be sure that an epidural will really help if they mess up when they inject it into your spine. "

You have a right to that set of beliefs, and more power to you if those beliefs help you. I do not share those beliefs, nor believe they are universally applicable.

[SALChamps03]

True. Medication isn't the only option. It is however, the only option that will remove the pain for someone who cannot deal with it. Ultimately, it's the person who is dealing with the pain who must ecided.

[SALChamps03]

True. Medication isn't the only option. It is however, the only option that will remove the pain for someone who cannot deal with it. Ultimately, it's the person who is dealing with the pain who must decide.

[Bushforlife]

"Let's evaluate the messages here:
1) Epidural - Don't consider ANY discomfort for a moment when there's an easy way out.
2) Formula - Don't plan on giving your baby the most valuable nourishment possible, or taking on the maternal bonding, so valuable to the babies development.
3) Infant Daycare - Plan early on abandoning your baby, so that IT doesn't become an obstacle to your all important career. Occasional contact with your child in the morning, evenings, and weekends is sufficient to provide the love and parental guidance necessary to produce an emotionally stable child, inculcated with your values and perspectives."

You have a set of beliefs. You have a RIGHT to those beliefs. I don't share them, nor do I believe them to be universally applicable. You have a right to refuse epidural; for many women, they make the opposite choice, and do very well. You may refuse formula feeding; for many other families, they choose to use formula for a variety of reasons and do very well.

As for daycare, I agree that children do MUCH better in a loving family environment rather than being left among strangers and exposed to germs at a younger age than in prior generations. I believe that a decision to bear children also implies a commitment to THEM, rather than to a career. That being said, parents have a RIGHT to leave their children in daycare, and it really is none of my business if they do.

[conservative cat]

Everyone has had great advice. People are busybodies. Just smile and politely tell them to butt out. That said, there is nothing funnier than people pre-birth who decide what their labor experience is going to be. Do you ever watch Baby Story on TLC? Half the time women swear they are going to go natural and go on and on about how labor is a natural experience, women have been doing it for years and so on. (I thought the same way before I had my oldest- I have a high tolerance for pain- I can take it. LOL) Then, they show the woman in labor and about 3/4's of them end up begging for epidurals (and the husbands look shocked because this is not what was planned!!)

I have big babies- and 2 of my 3 were born in less than prime positions (OP and OT.) The last birth my epidural didn't take at all, so I had a natural child birth not by choice. My almost 9lb baby girl was born facing sideways (started out face up) and in the process split my pelvis (to this day it hurts), tore me up, bruised herself up, and appeared to have broken her nose. The labor room was not a happy place. My husband (this was his first) was traumatized. I would take my 2 medicated deliveries any day. Without problems, I am sure it would have been a much better experience. The truth is, we don't know how our deliveries will go, but keep an open mind. Oh, I did nurse all three and none have ever been inside a daycare. Good luck and congratulations!

[linn37]

Congrats! Don't let the advice faze you. I had midwives for the last two babys. They both ended up c-section because they were both overly large and breech,but the midwives came in and supported the Doctor so they were still with me and it was a beautiful experience. I say it does'nt matter how they get here,as long as they get here!

[jla]

Were you the guy who phoned in to M. Savage's show the other night?

[Bushforlife]

Hear, hear! The vast majority of childbirths proceed uneventfully without problems, and require no medical intervention. Yet some childbirths are fraught with hazards requiring all the modern medical marvels that are frequently taken for granted, rejected beforehand as being unnatural interference with a natural process, but URGENTLY demanded by the parents or midwife when things go wrong. Let's hope those women in trouble arrive in a medical facility in time for the interventions to matter.

Of course, if anything DOES go wrong after arriving to the hospital for problems after an attempted "natural" home childbirth, perhaps someone could comb through the medical records intensely to find some small detail allowing one to make a case that "everything would have been all right if only the doctors had given good care".

[Tax-chick]

Oh, my!

[BobS]

I'm not married, but helped a woman in Europe download in an immediate situation. Pretty basic for me since I didn't know her. Make sure you splash some sort of alcohol when you tie off and cut the cord. Then tell the stunned people standing around to get some G-d damned AQUA! Por favor!

[Tax-chick]

Thanks!

[Bushforlife]

"My sister-in-law lost her baby during childbirth at a hospital. The cord was wrapped around the babies neck. I had my last baby at home - the cord was around her neck, but the midwife would not let me push her out until she had loosened the cord, and she was born perfectly healthy."

So your position would be that a doctor in a hospital would not know to do that? Incredible.

"I know personally several home-delivering midwives, and NONE of them have ever lost a baby."

So you know this because they TOLD you this. How reassuring. How nice it would be to have independent verification.

You have a right to your beliefs, and to have children in the way you choose. I don't share your beliefs, nor find them universally applicable.

[rejoicing]

#1. Change churches!! In our church, natural childbirth, breastfeeding for a year or more, and stay-at-home-moms are the norm rather than the exception........and we're not "granola-type" people either. Full-time parenting is honored. We have a deep conviction that a lot of what is wrong with this country can be chalked up to casual, part-time parenting. We also know that it is impossible for some people to make the full-time parenting choice, and those parents are honored as well, not villified.

#2. There is more than one way to deal with pain. Medication is one way, but training in focusing, breathing, and relaxing techniques is another. There ARE side-effects with epidurals. I can give you a concrete example, if you want to send me a personal message. Also, giving an epidural will sometimes slow down labor. Then pitocin has to be given, which can be hard to regulate, can cause contractions that are too hard, and can cause the baby distress. Also, an epidural makes it impossible to feel contractions. The medical personnell try to turn it down so that some feeling returns when Mom starts to push, but it's not always possible to predict when that need will occur. A woman can actually hurt herself in the pushing phase if she has no feeling.
#3. If the labor is long, and exhaustion becomes an issue, then by all means go for the epidural to enable your wife to rest and be actually present for your child's delivery.
#4. The difference between your wife having an epidural and you having novocain for a root canal is that you have no baby inside you to be affected by the medication. Having a root canal is not a natural process. Labor and delivery is.
#5. Some of the suggestions for responses listed here are a hoot! Memorize them and use them regularly!
#6. Relax. Enjoy the rest of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and parenting. You are obviously loving and concerned. You'll ber fine.

[pyx]

Because pain hurts. Next question?

Bandaging my child's first skinned knee and wiping away her tears are excruciatingly painful for me. I'm glad I wasn't DOPED UP (to prevent the very real pain) for the experience and can look back on it now, having learning and benefitted from it.

Contrary to the dogma by the religion of Secular Humanism, PREGNANCY IS NOT A DISEASE THAT REQUIRES MEDICAL TREATMENT.

I've personally delivered the children of two women when I was younger. I've got the Stork Pins to prove it.