1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We like it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT fun. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Nagging is emotional abuse.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just ask!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Girls discuss, guys fix things. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't! ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like fancy camping.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........ Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........ Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female...... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........ Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........ Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n
Female...... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male........ A source of entertainment, and used as self-expression in male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........ Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........ A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.
AMEN!
Be direct and ask for what you want, quit obsessing about your weight and quit looking at those dang mazines with the Diet of the Week on the covers, and don't drag out the old laundry list of injustices from years past.
That is soooo funny!
Or, there's the passive aggressive solution.
Put the seat down and pee on it. ;o)
I just soiled my keyboard.