Posted on 02/17/2005 8:15:23 AM PST by IowaHawk
In the annals of masculine teen fiction few writers are more revered than Chester Ivan Hudson, whose two-fisted tales of hot rod science fiction adventure have enthralled generations of adolescent schoolboys. The following are excerpts from Hudson's 1956 classic "The Blog," which would later become a popular low budget drive-in release from Irving Z. Korfmann's American Intracontinental Pictures, starring a young Slate McNicholson as plucky protagonist Biff Baxley.
Still spry and lively at 85, Hudson lives an active retirement in Prescott, AZ where he manages 9 daily holes of golf while answering his many fan letters. "The school librarians never quite approved of my books," he says. "But they always got the biggest overdue fines."
*********************
DING-DING!
Biff Baxley had just finished re-jetting the Stromberg 97 carbs on "Betsy," his gleaming Ford V-8 roadster, when he heard the drive-up service bell ring outside the Eastvale Gas & Garage. Biff frowned for a quick moment and continued his final adjustments. The customer would have to wait, because Biff needed every second. That night -- at midnight sharp -- he would be driving Betsy out to Old Factory Road for a drag race against his nemesis, Chip Biffler, and his menacing '40 Coupe.
Biff stood back and admired Betsy - drinking in her beautifully dimpled chassis, her gleaming intake, her supple curves. He hungrily eyed her enormous headlights, slowly reaching out to caress them and ...
HONK HONK! The customer's horn snapped Biff back to attention.
"Keep your shirt on, I'm coming!" he yelled -- then paused, embarrassed, when he realized the waiting customer was Professor Von Kleinstein, the head space scientist at Eastvale College. He was sitting in his clunky Nash alongside his vivacious daughter Darla, a brilliant Eastvale coed who assisted him in his many important space science experiments.
"Jeepers, Professor," said Biff, wiping his hands on his overalls. "Sorry about that language, I didn't know it was you! Hi, Darla!"
"Hello, Biff," she replied. Did something in her tone suggest she was attracted to him? Biff wondered, as he continued slowly wiping his hands on his overall legs.
"No time for ze small talk, Beeff," said the white-haired space scientist. "Fill it up with super ethyl and quickly! Vee haff to get out to Westville Pass!"
"Jeepers, Professor, where's the fire?" said Biff, breathing in the intoxicating scent of Darla's perfume as he furiously pumped the super ethyl.
"Zere hass been a mysterious explosion zere last night! Darla recorded it on her radar inspectro-oscilloscope, and vee are on our vay to investigate!"
"Golly, Professor, your old Nash will never make it up to Westville Pass," warned Biff. "I'm no scientist, but I can get you up there in my car."
Professor Von Kleinstein eyed Betsy suspiciously. "Zat reekety jalopy?"
"Let me tell you something Professor," said Biff sternly. "She may not look like much, but everybody knows Betsy's the hottest, fastest piece of iron in Eastvale, and golly does she put out! Just last night I had her wide open, screaming, all the way up to Westville Pass!"
"I'm sorry to doubt your car, Beeff," he said, apologetically. "But eet only has two seats -- perhaps Darla should go with you, and I weel communicate via the radio-phone."
"Okay, Professor! C'mon, Darla... hop in!"
Darla jumped in alongside Biff, as his key coaxed Betsy's powerful ported 8BA flathead to life.
"And Darla... I suggest you hang on tight," said Biff. "And also, maybe hike up your skirt a bit."
"Well, Okay, Biff," she said, curiously. "But why?"
"No time for questions, Darla! We're off to Westville Pass!"
*********************
"That's funny, Biff... the epsilon-ray counter is showing high levels of atomic activity, but the space-o-scope is not tracking the proper electowaves," said Darla, leaning over the mysterious crater. She slowly strained to take a better reading, her sinuous calves tightening as she leaned further and further.
"Biff? Biff?" she called.
"Oh, umm, I'm sorry Darla, I was just checking out the rear end gear," he said.
"Honestly!" said Darla. "Is that all you males think about -- cars?" Suddenly, the radio-phone rang.
"Darla, Beeff! You must get back to Eastvale quickly!" said Professor Von Kleinstein's voice through the static. "Zhere has been a mysterious disappearance at ze college -- Professor Bellisiles!"
b
--hilarious--
I hate you for being funnier than me.
How do you do this? This is another example of melding cultural history with current events with hilarious results! You are very funny, but I'm sure you know that. Thanks for another wonderful spoof!
"I'll put on the spare" Biff said tiredly...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.