Some lawyers can tell real whoppers.
Posted on 01/15/2005 4:12:09 PM PST by FormerACLUmember
Those two Long Island men who say they were arrested for telling lawyer jokes at a Nassau County courthouse (see yesterday's post) were soon deluged with offers by lawyers to represent them for free. Reports Newsday:
"Barbara Bernstein, executive director of the Nassau chapter of the New York Civil Liberties Union, said she found the arrests "bewildering" and she called the men yesterday to determine whether the organization could help. "It's just bewildering and preposterous that they should be arrested for telling lawyer jokes," Bernstein said. "What's the violation of law here?" (Zachary R. Dowdy, "Lawyers offer help after pair's anti-lawyer joke arrest", Newsday, Jan. 13). The two men, Harvey Kash, and Carl Lanzisera, have now accepted an offer of representation by radical attorney and New York radio personality Ron Kuby. ("Kuby takes jokers' case", Jan. 14).
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
Beyond these good folks, the lawyer industry is utterly corrupt and in severe need of many, many reforms. Lawyer jokes are a symptom of a vast groundswell of a coming great revolution against the shysters.
Good one!
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
Post #4 is a red state (farmer) vs. Blue state (lawyer) commentary!
One more....
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
That's what I'm thinking, too! : )
ping
Neither do I. I have a good friend who does family law, wills, probate, divorce, etc. He hates divorce, but he lives in a small town (just less than 1,000 population), so that's rare. He's a great guy and helped me with some legalities with a 17 year old who lived with us once.
Ping
saw it, his lips are moving.
right on mark very good
I got an email something like that once, utterly amazing.
Found this, similar to what you posted, these are actual transcripts and questions. No wonder everyone hates lawyers.
Trial Transcirpts:
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when you picture was taken?"
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
"Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Q: So the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Judge: Please begin.
Counsel: Thank. [to witness] Miss, while you have, if you do have -- you still -- oh, you don't.
Judge: That was a great start, counsel.
My question is why is there going to be a trial in the first place?
This kind of oppression is typical in France, but my goodness I thought we were above it!
BTT
__________________
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
__________________
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
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