Posted on 01/13/2005 4:53:28 AM PST by Jim Noble
A few years ago at a White House Correspondents' dinner, I met a very beautiful actress. Within moments, she blurted out: "I can't believe I'm 46 and not married. Men only want to marry their personal assistants or P.R. women."
I'd been noticing a trend along these lines, as famous and powerful men took up with the young women whose job it was to tend to them and care for them in some way: their secretaries, assistants, nannies, caterers, flight attendants, researchers and fact-checkers.
Women in staff support are the new sirens because, as a guy I know put it, they look upon the men they work for as "the moon, the sun and the stars." It's all about orbiting, serving and salaaming their Sun Gods.
In all those great Tracy/Hepburn movies more than a half-century ago, it was the snap and crackle of a romance between equals that was so exciting. Moviemakers these days seem far more interested in the soothing aura of romances between unequals.
In James Brooks's "Spanglish," Adam Sandler, as a Los Angeles chef, falls for his hot Mexican maid. The maid, who cleans up after Mr. Sandler without being able to speak English, is presented as the ideal woman. The wife, played by Téa Leoni, is repellent: a jangly, yakking, overachieving, overexercised, unfaithful, shallow she-monster who has just lost her job with a commercial design firm. Picture Faye Dunaway in "Network" if she'd had to stay home, or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" without the charm.
The same attraction of unequals animated Richard Curtis's "Love Actually," a 2003 holiday hit. The witty and sophisticated British prime minister, played by Hugh Grant, falls for the chubby girl who wheels the tea and scones into his office. A businessman married to the substantial Emma Thompson falls for his sultry secretary. A writer falls for his maid, who speaks only Portuguese.
(I wonder if the trend in making maids who don't speak English heroines is related to the trend of guys who like to watch Kelly Ripa in the morning with the sound turned off?)
Art is imitating life, turning women who seek equality into selfish narcissists and objects of rejection, rather than affection.
As John Schwartz of The New York Times wrote recently, "Men would rather marry their secretaries than their bosses, and evolution may be to blame."
A new study by psychology researchers at the University of Michigan, using college undergraduates, suggests that men going for long-term relationships would rather marry women in subordinate jobs than women who are supervisors.
As Dr. Stephanie Brown, the lead author of the study, summed it up for reporters: "Powerful women are at a disadvantage in the marriage market because men may prefer to marry less-accomplished women." Men think that women with important jobs are more likely to cheat on them.
"The hypothesis," Dr. Brown said, "is that there are evolutionary pressures on males to take steps to minimize the risk of raising offspring that are not their own." Women, by contrast, did not show a marked difference in their attraction to men who might work above or below them. And men did not show a preference when it came to one-night stands.
A second study, which was by researchers at four British universities and reported last week, suggested that smart men with demanding jobs would rather have old-fashioned wives, like their mums, than equals. The study found that a high I.Q. hampers a woman's chance to get married, while it is a plus for men. The prospect for marriage increased by 35 percent for guys for each 16-point increase in I.Q.; for women, there is a 40 percent drop for each 16-point rise.
So was the feminist movement some sort of cruel hoax? The more women achieve, the less desirable they are? Women want to be in a relationship with guys they can seriously talk to - unfortunately, a lot of those guys want to be in relationships with women they don't have to talk to.
I asked the actress and writer Carrie Fisher, on the East Coast to promote her novel "The Best Awful," who confirmed that women who challenge men are in trouble.
"I haven't dated in 12 million years," she said drily. "I gave up on dating powerful men because they wanted to date women in the service professions. So I decided to date guys in the service professions. But then I found out that kings want to be treated like kings, and consorts want to be treated like kings, too."
E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com
I know exactly what you're talking about. My husband is also my best friend. He married a strong career woman and knew exactly what he was doing..........and it matters not that I have switched careers.....I ditched the office for motherhood.......I'm still a strong woman, just with a different job description.
We are very happy with our life.
I think that what most men want is a sweet, sexually available woman who provides the unconditional love Mom did, but does not actually mother them. Excessive mothering behavior--telling a man to "take your umbrella, did you take your vitamins today, stop that, do this, pick up your socks, you didn't do a very good job on this thing so do it again, let me do that for you, honey"--is, for many men, a turn-off. If a woman can provide the apple pies and comfortable home a mother does but shows that she looks up to him and is sexually available to him in a way a mother never does, she'll have a happy husband. If she also shows that she has complete faith in him and admires him as well, he will grow in strength and confidence through the years. That's my theory, anyway.
What I'm seeing is that many men are as conflicted about what they want in a woman as women are about what their role should be. I run into so many men who want the sweet, compliant wife to keep the bathrooms clean and the kitchen smelling of hot bread while wearing nothing but a little apron (what man wouldn't?)--but they also want her to bring home a big fat paycheck. It's interesting to talk to a woman who is out in the world doing exciting stuff every day, it's impressive to one's friends to have a high-powered wife, and it lightens the economic load, so I can understand why they'd want a woman like that.
As I am dating I meet a lot of successful men who are quite indignant when they learn that my job does not net me six figures, so I must necessarily be a golddigger. I gently point out that they can't have it both ways: taking care of a house, children, and husband at a high standard is a full-time job, and earning a six-figure income is more than a full-time job. There are only 24 hours in a day, so if they want someone who is going to have the time to spend with them and the energy to chase around the bedroom seven nights a week, something has to give.
American men need to ask themselves what they really want. Either choice, the executive or the traditional wife, is valid, and each man is going to have to think carefully about his own psychology and what will really make for a happy marriage for him. My frank opinion is that the woman who is a high-ranking executive, diplomat, professional, or scientist may have a little more trouble looking up to her husband than the woman whose accomplishments are not quite so impressive. Not saying it can't be done--I've seen it being successfully done--but it's not common.
You are very wise.
Nah. Mummy flesh is dead and dry, so the metaphor didn't turn my stomach as much as just reading anything by Mo can. But that's why the phrase worked so well; perfectly matched to its target.
That Dows can't seem to find a man speaks well for the intelligence of men.
yo dude, we got a serious Moro Islamic Liberation Front ping happening here on #1 !!!!!!!
Dows = Dowd
I would like to think I am more common than an exception to the rule.
When my husband and I met, I had a high profile demanding "executive" type job and he hung rain gutters.
I'm expecting to be castigated for posting this, but here's an inside scoop on what men really need in a wife. The examples given are somewhat dated but can easily be related to in today's terms. The Author is known as the definitive source on man/woman relationships. Here goes:
Proverbs 31:10-31 "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells {them,} And supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband {also,} and he praises her, {saying:} "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all."
(And here's the kicker...)
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, {But} a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates."
OK, let the rant begin..........
I believe this was addressed in "The Taming of the Shrew" a couple of hundred years ago.
LOL!!!!!!!
As a matter of fact, I do know my husband's FReeper name!!!
Poor Maureen. No wonder she isn't married. Her understanding is so corrupted by a feminazi world-view, she has no understanding of what goes into a happy marriage.
Maureen, dear, most men DO want to marry a woman they can 'talk to.' What you fail to understand, Maureen, is that a woman can choose to take a traditional role in marriage --call that "subservient" if you like-- and still have a high IQ.
Indeed, if happiness in marriage is a woman's goal, this may be the most intelligent thing to do!
(Btw, does Dowd consider embarrassing herself in public to be some kind of self-therapy? This column is only slightly less astonishing than her tale of her family's Christmas dinner.)
I would like to think you are too. The only way to know for sure is for someone to do an exhaustive study.
I can't believe she's actually complaining about something without blaming Bush.
You supply the funding, and I'll do it. LOL!
Of course if I proved to the norm, rather than the exception, the study would be tossed in the round file by the MSM as right wing propaganda. And definitely not PC.
BTTT
A man should marry a woman who works her ass off so he can sit with the elders.
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