Posted on 12/10/2004 2:44:08 PM PST by CHARLITE
Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Too bad there are no examples of radio exchanges at any French airport.
Bump.
LOL ping.
no prob... I love flying and all thing avaition...but I still get white knuckles at times too! :)
Serious? Ok, here goes....
A B52 has 8 engines (4 to a wing) and the fighter jet had only one. His brillantly sarcastic quip was a perfect example of a jet jockey ponting to the percieved arrogance of the Buffs' "bus driver" mentality. Declare an emergency when 1/8 of the Buffs engines are out versus his 100% problem with his only engine. This is pretty typical of the banter that goes back and forth between the differnt types of aircrews out there.
Hopefully, my flame retardant underwear will protect me from all of the "bus drivers" I just po'ed out there in freeperland....
I was an air traffic controller assigned to the Berlin Air Route Traffic Control Center for '84-'88. This is the facility that worked all traffic to and from Berlin through the 3 Berlin Air Corridors, mostly French, British, and US airliners. What a lot of people did not know was that there were about 15 Soviet and East German Mig bases located in the corridors. Their traffic would fly through the corridors without any coordination or control from us. Naturally, whenever we saw their traffic in the corridors we would issue it to our traffic. One night a buddy of mine was working the enroute sector and must have had a fairly new British pilot. Behind him was a Pan Am aircraft. A Mig decided he wanted to come up behind the British aircraft and see what he looked like. The controller kept giving the British pilot traffic on the Mig. Slowly, the Mig closed the distance behind the British aircraft so naturally the controller gave him that info. You could tell that the British pilot was getting a little nervous with this Mig flying a few miles directly behind him and finally asked the controller what he should do. Before the controller could say anything, the Pan Am pilot, who must have been from Texas, came on the frequency and said "Ya'll oughta just go back and flush your toilets!" It took a while to pick the controller up off the floor he was laughing so hard.
Oh, my gut is busting.... I've read some of this before. I believe it was in a book written by a "sled" driver (U-2 pilot).
I received this email recently
"Too bad there are no examples of radio exchanges at any French airport."
LOL! Just for giggles, we should make them speak German, too! ;)
Reminds me or private pilot jokes.
Explaining the parts of the plane to a newbie, "This is the prop. It is what keeps the pilot cool."
"How?"
"Well, if it stops, you'll see the pilot start sweating profusely!"
ping for later
That was my favorite too. Some real funny ones.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
BWAHAHAHAHAHA ...... love that one.
Chicago control tower: Lufthansa 727, you are cleared to take off please take off.
Captain of Lufthansa 727: My manifest does not agree with my passenger count; I will not depart until it does.
Another pilot from an American airline: Have you checked your ovens?
Lufthansa pilot: I refuse to take off until I receive an apology from the person who just called in.
Another airline pilot: This is Captain Smith from American Smith Airlines - I apologize.
The German pilot took off.
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Does that really work? I have to fly after the first of the year and am terrified.
btt
that is ok if you go read my post I flammed all the jet jocks... :)
LMAO PING!
Very funny stuff. I particularly liked the one regarding "sound abatement". Too funny!
Generally on all Air Force aircraft there are allowable leaks. Most maintenance sections usually fix any leak, even the ones within tolerance. The Navy has a different standard. They say if a system on the plane isn't leaking, then it's empty.
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