Christmas cards and letters for our Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan
Care packages and Thank-you Notes for our Troops in Afghanistan
Christmas for our Troops in Kirkuk
WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE TO A SOLDIER IN IRAQ THIS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water
and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the
seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would
have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me
all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to
take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable
reason, and in the best interest of others.
All of their windows fell out.
A man walks into a bar one evening. He sits down at the bar and asks for a double shot of whiskey. He sits there for a while and drinks it and then asks for another. After four shots of whiskey he looks into his pocket, shakes his head and asks the bartender to give him another. This goes on for about four hours. Finally the bartender asks him what's going on. He asks, "Every evening you come in here and drink whiskey and look in your pocket. What's going on?" The man replies, "I drink a little and then I look in my pocket at a picture of my wife. When she looks good, I go home."
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Murphy's Laws of Combat - put to Latin.
More Murphy's Laws
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The side with the simplest uniform wins...
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!
The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.
So this guy is arraigned on a double homicide charge.
The presiding judge reads the counts to the defendant: Sir, on the first count, you are charged with murdering your wife by beating her to death with a hammer whereupon he is interrupted by a emotional cry of “BASTARD” from someone in the court.
The judge looked up but was unable to identify the individual responsible.
He returned to reading the indictment: “On the second count, you are charged with murdering your mother-in-law by beating her to death with a hammer”
“BASTARD” yelled a spectator. This time however the judge caught view of the offender just as he finished his exclamation.
The judge was furious and told the man to stand up.
“Sir”, he intoned harshly, “I will not tolerate such outbursts in my courtroom. I am going to hold you in contempt. What do you have to say for yourself ?”, he demanded.
The man, looking truly repentant responded: “Your honor, I’m sorry but you have to understand that I have been this man’s neighbor for the past 2 years and on no less than three occasions in the past 6 months, I went to his home and asked him to borrow a hammer and he said he didn’t own one.”
Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.
Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said,
"I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose one on takeoff."
After a bit of questions and answers, the counselor asked the man....."What is your wife's favorite flower?"
The husband pondered a bit, then proudly answered "PILLSBURY"
Later at the same session, the man said to his wife "I can't believe God made someone so beautiful so stupid.
The wife parried "God me me so beautiful so that you would love me.....God made me so stupid so that I would love you!"
Islamofascists have enlisted the help of a western company to publicize the horrors of the US occupation of Iraq.
Victoria's Secret will be establishing franchises nationwide to document these abuses.
"Did you hear the one about a man who had a dog with no legs and every day he took it out for a scrape?"
I came up with this one here:
Marine Corps HumorStand by when you hear the five Most Dangerous Things in the Marine Corps:
I edited number 5... a bit...
These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking himself. One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks friendly..."
The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road.
Suddenly, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree, in a farmer's field.
The farmer investigated, then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the farmer, "Were they all dead?" The farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
Ole and Lena go parking
When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to there favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?"
"No," she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back. Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!"
Thought I'd add some regional humor.
One day in the second grade classroom, the teacher, Ms. Stringley, was asking the class about the occupations of their parents. Fireman, policeman, and other common jobs came up. Ms. Stringley noticed that one of her students, Josh, was quietly sitting in the back looking rather upset.
"Would you like to share with us, Josh?" she asked, hoping to make him feel better by incorporating him in the activity.
Slowly, Josh said "My dad is a stripper in a gay bar and sometimes if he is paid enough, he goes out in the back where the car is and has sex with other guys."
Ms. Stringley was shocked and took Josh out into the hallway where they could talk in private.
"Is this true?" She asked.
"No, he really works for the democratic party but I was too embarassed to admit it in front of the class."
What's a French kid say on halloween?
Trick or retreat.