'Alexander' - Vast story potential is reduced to plodding soap opera

The Orange County Register ^ | November 24, 2004 | Craig Outhier

[EveningStar]

Not content to direct a merely mediocre historical epic, filmmaker Oliver Stone marshals all of his talent as a provocateur to direct a colossally bad one in "Alexander," starring Irishman Colin Farrell as the legendary Macedonian warlord.

It's a shame, too, because mediocrity is so tantalizingly within the director's reach. Beginning with Alexander's childhood around 350 B.C., Stone drafts a standard character arc involving Alexander's accomplished but ineffectual father, King Philip (Val Kilmer); his domineering, snake-charming mother, Olympias (Angelina Jolie, butchering vowels like Natasha from "Rocky and Bullwinkle"); and his precocious success as a field commander after rising to power following his father's assassination. All of it is recounted in flashback by one of Alexander's generals, Ptolemy, now a wizened Egyptian pharaoh played by Anthony Hopkins.

[timpad]

Podhoretz from The Corner - "Stone's Disaster"

"Oliver Stone's Alexander, which opens today, isn't just bad. It's Springtime for Hitler bad. I haven't guffawed this hard since I saw Airplane for the first time 24 years ago. This is one of the colossal catastrophes of all time. At a screening on Monday night, during the death scene of Alexander's lover Hephaiston, people were screaming with laughter as Alexander made a big speech while, behind him in soft focus, Hephaiston went into a conniption fit and croaked. Plus, Angelina Jolie plays Alexander's mother like she was Natasha from the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. It's almost worth seeing, but don't, because if you're like me and want to see Oliver Stone utterly destroyed for his artistic and political crimes, you will make sure not to contribute to the box-office coffers of what is sure to go down in the annals of moviedom as Heaven's Gate with rampaging evil elephants (no, I'm not kidding). "

[catonsville]

One critic has called it "The Plan 9 From Outer Space "of the new millennium. Stone is already blaming all the hostile preopening criticism on conservatives and other "right wingers".

[EveningStar]

Post the full review ping

What is that?

[Ciexyz]

I just posted a long review, extending thru four posts, about Alexander, which I saw today, on another thread on this board. But I had forgotten how much humor there was in this movie until reading Podhoretz' review.

So true about Hephaistion's death scene. He was jerking and raising one arm in the background, going spastic, while Alexander was staring out the window pontificating about all they'd do together in the future. Then Alexander turns around and cries out when he sees the guy is stone cold dead. It was a hoot!

Also the soldier who gives a speech with a perfect Scottish brogue, it was like, are we watching Highlander?

[Lancey Howard]

Okay. My daughter (17) just walked in the door from seeing 'Alexander' tonight and I have never seen her so disgusted about wasting time. She said she was thrilled when she thought Alexander was dead so the movie would be over, but then he wasn't dead and she had to sit there for another hour. The worst movie she ever suffered through.

[SunkenCiv]

http://neighbors.designcommunity.com/notes/1169.html

[SunkenCiv]

Could be worse -- could have followed this author and made him a boozer.

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Alexander the Great: The Invisible Enemy by John Maxwell O'Brien

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[Ciexyz]

Alexander the Great, the Invisible Enemy

Thanks for the link, I'll have to check out that book. I'm interested in a solid retelling of the Alexander saga.

[ZULU]

The ancient Macedonians were a military society dominated by alcoholic, sexual perverts who viewed homosexuality as acceptable as heterosexuality.

Alexander was a great general - period. He created a few cities and tried to meld his society with Asian ones, but his vast conquests were as ephemeral as his "Godlike" life.

[My2Cents]

Stone is already blaming all the hostile preopening criticism on conservatives and other "right wingers".

...i.e., the sensibilities of reasonable people.

[scoopscandal]

I've actually suffered this movie...it played out more like:

"Alexander the Gay Democrat"

Ugh.

[My2Cents]

"Alexander, the San Francisco Treat"

[scoopscandal]

ROTF!

[Ciexyz]

Colin Farrell looks real spiffy in that red-plumed helmet.

When he takes it off and you see all that curly blond hair, he looks girlie.

[Billthedrill]

Mr. Cranky's Review - Alexander got the coveted bundle-of-dynamite rating.

"Whenever the result of a movie involves broad-jumping puddles of vomit on your way out of the theater, one can say confidently that a failure has been had."

Well, I know it's one of the warning signs that I look for...

[Ciexyz]

Mr. Cranky sounds like my kind of reviewer! I'm off to check out that link.

[ozzymandus]

I hope ollie the commie had all his money invested in this bomb.

[Ciexyz]

Mr. Cranky's review gave me a giggle (link in Post 35):

So godawful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity.

[bray]

Is it true that Kerry was in Vietnam???

Pray for W and Our Troops

[SunkenCiv]

You're most welcome. There's also the JFC Fuller (100 years or so old classic) bio, and the Dodge bio (similar vintage I think), plus Michael Grant's, Michael Wood, Robin Lane Fox...