We already have that one! :>)
Posted on 11/20/2004 7:50:00 AM PST by Former Military Chick
Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons why we don't actually live with them. But Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection - a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is - in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture - "a Ticking Meat Bomb of Death."
Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather). Sometimes the cause is deadly bacteria; sometimes - in cases of extreme undercooking - the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.
The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the sun. Even then, you should keep a flamethrower handy.
Speaking of which, the hot new Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which are popular because they give guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiving outside drinking beer and messing around with a device that could destroy an entire neighborhood. Now that guys have decided to become seriously involved in Thanksgiving food preparation, it's only a matter of time before they come up with a recipe for mashed potatoes that involves a grenade launcher.
Of course not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There is. It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.
Of course, no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without the pumpkin pie. Here's an easy recipe for this delicious traditional dessert: 1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the top off a large pumpkin. 2. Inside you will find a mess of stringy, slimy pumpkin innards. Scoop these out and discard them. 3. Now discard the rest of the pumpkin, because the simple truth, obvious to anybody with half a brain, is that NO PART of the pumpkin looks, smells or tastes ANYTHING like so-called pumpkin pie. This is why nobody actually makes pumpkin pie; everybody buys it at the supermarket.
The question is, what does the supermarket put in there? The Food and Drug Administration is investigating this, and according to one informed source (Dan Rather), "They think it's tofu."
But enough about food. Thanksgiving is not merely a time of eating until we are big, fat, bloated carbohydrate balloons lying motionless on the sofa watching the Detroit Lions while actual gravy oozes from our pores. Thanksgiving is also a time of giving thanks - as the Pilgrims did so many centuries ago - for the fact that the malls are open on Friday. Otherwise, we'd have to spend another day cooped up with our loved ones, not to mention toxic levels of leftovers, and the number of domestic drumstick assaults would be even higher than it is.
But in all seriousness, I want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I personally am very thankful that I have readers like you who have terrific senses of humor and thus recognize that I am just kidding around, especially if you are in the turkey, deep-fat-fryer, tofu or pumpkin-pie industries. Also, even though I have poked some fun at Dan Rather, I sincerely believe he is a great journalist and a credit to his home planet.
In closing, let's have a big group hug and join together in singing this traditional Thanksgiving song that we vaguely remember from childhood: Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go! The horse is reluctant, and we can relate, because grandmother's house has that weird smell.
Originally published on November 20, 2004
LOL !
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Our beloved W was re-elected, the Red Sox won the world serious (as my mom used to call it), my company looks like it may (Please dear God in heaven) be pulling out of our 4 year slump, and the kid hasn't flunked out of college in the 1st semester.
Thank the Lord for His many blessings!
....Dan Rather, I sincerely believe he is a great journalist and a credit to his home planet.
An informed source (Dan Rather). LOL I am still laughing about that one.
Somone ask me if I feel lucky?
Turkey safety info ping!
Have a good bird-day!
Grenades to make mashed potatoes. Sounds like a plan to me. I wonder if you have tie the potatoe to the grenade or toss the grenade into the sack of potatoes? Some serious experimentation is in order here. Perhaps, we can simply make an old-fashioned potato gun and fire them directly into the oven....
Okay, do you feel lucky?
The Real Story Behind Thanksgiving (from http://freedomkeys.com/thanksgiving2.htm )
Did you know that the first Thanksgiving was a celebration
of the triumph of private property and individual initiative?
William Bradford was the governor of the original Pilgrim
colony, founded at Plymouth in 1621. The colony was first
organized on a communal basis, as their financiers
required. Land was owned in common. The Pilgrims farmed
communally, too, following the "from each according to his
abilities, to each according to his needs" precept.
The results were disastrous. Communism didn't work any
better 400 years ago than it does today. By 1623, the
colony had suffered serious losses. Starvation was
imminent.
Bradford realized that the communal system encouraged
and rewarded waste and laziness and inefficiency, and
destroyed individual initiative. Desperate, he abolished it.
He distributed private plots of land among the surviving
Pilgrims, encouraging them to plant early and farm as
individuals, not collectively.
The results: a bountiful early harvest that saved the
colonies. After the harvest, the Pilgrims celebrated with a
day of Thanksgiving -- on August 9th.
Unfortunately, William Bradford's diaries -- in which he
recorded the failure of the collectivist system and the
triumph of private enterprise -- were lost for many years.
When Thanksgiving was later made a national holiday, the
present November date was chosen. And the lesson the
Pilgrims so painfully learned was, alas, not made a part of
the holiday.
Happily, Bradford's diaries were later rediscovered. They're
available today in paperback. They tell the real story of
Thanksgiving -- how private property and individual initiative
saved the Pilgrims.
This Thanksgiving season, one of the many things I'm
thankful for is our free market system (imperfectly realized
as it is). And I'm also grateful that there are increasing
numbers of Americans who are learning the importance of
free markets, and who are working to replace government
coercion with marketplace cooperation here in America and
around the world.
Paul Schmidt
PS: A special thanks to long-time Advocate volunteer Cris
Everett, who told us about this neglected bit of history
several years ago, and who celebrates Thanksgiving on --
you guessed it -- August 9th.
-- copied from http://FreedomKeys.com/thanksgiving.htm
which was copied from the Nov. 20, 1997 issue of THE
LIBERATOR ONLINE at
http://www.theadvocates.org/liberator/vol-02-num-21.htm
for more detailed accounts see The Great
Thanksgiving Hoax at http://snipurl.com/apur
Thanksgiving: The Producers' Holiday at
http://snipurl.com/apuv
and How Private Property Saved the Pilgrims at
http://snipurl.com/apuw
Find a general commentary, Creating Our Own
Blessings at http://snipurl.com/apuy
ALSO SEE: Giving Thanks for the Big Tent HERE:
http://snipurl.com/apv0
John Effing Kerry got a purple heart for tossing a grenade into a barrel of rice. That resulted in a rice grain fanny wound, easily worth a purple heart.
You've adopted the Dan Quayle potatoe spelling, eh? Well, if it's good enough for Dan, it's good enough for me.
Happy Thanksgiving to all. We have a lot to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving even to Barry Lynn (Reverend? Ha!!), the grinch who would steal Christmas, Thanksgiving, and our national motto, "In God we trust" from us. What? Barry hasn't demanded that the national motto be discarded? Well, give him time.
"An informed source (Dan Rather). "
When I read this in my morning paper just knew it would end up in here:)
… undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather).
That does it. It has to be false.
… and according to one informed source (Dan Rather), "They think it's tofu."
Then it can’t be tofu.
THE PARROT:
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got even more angry and rude.
John in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out into John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Ping
Some recipe ideas Carlo! ;)
Dan Rather has turned out to be the source of many deaths too...
Don't forget more seats in the Senate and House and IIRC a few Governorships (including the amazing R win in Washington)!!
The Lord has been liberal in His blessings this year to conservatives.
Dave Barry...Dirty Harry....do you feel lucky punk...well do ya??....
LOL!
I sent both this and the Dave Barry piece to all my kids, relatives, friends, etc.
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