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I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic, for which it stands;
one nation UNDER GOD,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
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SALUTE!
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Good morning, Tonk! Good morning, Canteen Crew! Good morning, EVERYBODY! 
TROOPS!
Today's FEEBLE
YOKE :
In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there "said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!! " cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?"
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
BONUS Snappy Answer
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. He friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helloooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde." They're watch dogs!"
Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST!
A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by ten whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
ROFL - great thread Tom!!
You might be a Floridian if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan and now Jeanne
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
You're looking at paint swatches to match the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"
Every lose leaf in your entire county seems to have landed in your pool
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more "NO WAKE" signs posted than ?CHILDREN AT PLAY? signs
You now own 5 large ice chests
Your parrot can now say " hammered, pounded and hunker down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your friends up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
Hiya tom!
Great thread, and very funny!!
(fuming)
Know what a key ring is?
A great little invention that allows you to lose ALL your keys AT THE SAME TIME!!!
(grrr)
I finally found 'em!
Ms.B
Thanks, tomkow!!!
A buddy of mine and I were doing riffs from "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour" DVD today.
I still think Ron White (Naked Eating Cheetos, Drunk In Public)has the best delivery of the four comics.
The Spike Jones is very good too!
Excellent thread!
Jack.
Good Morning troops!! Good Morning everyone! In honor of all rednecks, here is today's humor attempt!
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Chicagoland Weather
| November 19, 2004 | |
| Chicago, IL | |
| Sunrise | 6:46 AM (CST) |
| Sunset | 4:26 PM (CST) |
| Hrs. of Daylight | 9 Hrs., 40 Mins |
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Did someone say REDNECK? Yuck...yuck....snort.....snort........I'm here! Let the party begin.
Good morning Everyone. Good morning to our AWESOME Military, our allies, and their families.
WOOHOO......Thank you Tomkow for opening the Camp this morning. I found out that even those Rednecks have gotten into today's technology. They've even have their own computer terminology. Here's what I found:
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI (pronounced scuzzy) - What you call your week-old underwear
And, finally, for our wonderful Georgia Redneck FReepers..............
On This Day In History
Birthdates which occurred on November 19:
1600 Charles I king of England (1625-49); executed by Parliament
1752 George Rogers Clark frontier military leader in Revolutionary War
1770 Albert Bertel Thorvaldsen Copenhagen Denmark, sculptor (Dying Lion)
1805 Ferdinand de Lesseps France, diplomat (built Suez Canal)
1810 August Willich Bvt Major General (Union volunteers), died in 1878
1811 John Ancrum Winslow Comm (Union Navy), died in 1873
1827 Isaac Munroe St John Brig General (Confederate Army), died in 1880
1831 James A Garfield 20th President (March 4-Sept 19, 1881)
1888 Jose Raul Capablanca Cuba, world chess champion (1921-27)
1899 Allen Tate US, poet (Mr Pope & Other Poems)
1905 Tommy Dorsey Mahanoy Plane PA, orchestra leader (Stage Show, Mahogany)
1917 Indira Gandhi Allahabad India, Indian PM (1966-77, 1980-84)
1919 Alan Young England, actor (Time Machine, Wilbur Post-Mr Ed)
1919 George Fenneman Peking China, TV announcer (You Bet Your Life)
1921 Roy Campanella Brooklyn Dodger catcher (NL MVP 1951/53/55)
1926 Jeane J Kirkpatrick US ambassador to UN (R)
1933 Larry King radio talk show host (Larry King Show)
1935 John F Welch Jr Salem MA, CEO (GE)
1936 Dick Cavett Kearney NB, talk show host (Dick Cavett Show)
1938 Ted Turner broadcasting mogul/owns (Atlanta Braves)/won America's Cup
1939 Garrick Utley Chicago IL, newscaster (1st Tuesday, NBC Weekend)
1941 Dan Haggerty Hollywood CA, actor (Grizzly Adams)
1942 Calvin Klein fashion designer (Calvin Klein Jeans)
1947 Bob Boone San Diego, catcher (Phillies, Angels)
1949 Ahmad Rashad (Bobby Moore) NFL receiver (Minnesota Vikings)/sportscaster
1949 Mickey Lee Davis Jr Tennessee, murderer (FBI Most Wanted List)
1954 Kathleen Quinlan Mill Valley Cal, actress (Rose Garden, Twilight Zone)
1956 Glynis O'Connor NYC, actress (California Dreaming, Ode to Billy Joe)
1957 Otis J Anderson NFL running back (NY Giants, 1990 Superbowl MVP)
1957 Sharon Farrah WBL guard (NY Stars)
1960 "Lovely" Elizabeth Frankfurt KY, WWF's 1st lady of wrestling
1961 Meg Ryan Bethel CT, actress (When Harry Met Sally, As the World Turns)
1962 Jodie Foster Bronx NYC, actress (Taxi Driver, Accused)
GOD BLESS THE U.S. MILITARY AND HER ALLIES
Thank you all for your commitment and sacrifice.
Thank you to the military families.
Thank you Veterans.
Thank you Canteen Crew for all you do.
GOD BLESS America.
You might be a redneck if:
1. You've ever lost a double-wide mobile home to a tornado.
2. Your Father-in-law and his new wife had to leave a Honda gold wing rally to come help clean up after the storm.
3. You and your wife bought your wedding rings at Wal-Mart.
4. Your kid brother became, by blood, a grandfather at the tender age of thirty-three.
5. You have, on three separate occasions, uttered the phrase, "When my sister gets out of prison..."
